


I Used to Know Your Face

by Chrisakameatball



Category: GOT7
Genre: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Positano, Slow Burn, italy based, like slooow but the timeline also jumps around
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2019-10-08 04:19:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 91,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17379431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chrisakameatball/pseuds/Chrisakameatball
Summary: Time is what everyone tries to outrun. Time was the best healer in the way of forgetting. To forget what was, was the only way to peace. Let memory blur the vivid images, let another’s touch distract you, let the past become a ghost. Five years would do.Mark finds himself back in Italy five years later, with a fiance, in the very place where he has history with an old flame Jackson Wang.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> sooo I've had this idea manifesting in mind since last march when I myself went to Italy. I swear I've rewritten this chapter five times now. After I saw the Mark going to Milan pictures I suddenly got an urge to write so here is the first chapter of this fic I've always wanted to write. Please enjoy and leave a comment I very much enjoy feedback! The journey of this fic is about to be intense.

Italy was apart of him. Mark could never shake what was embedded in the dark red cavities of his heart. The lush lemon trees that grow solidly in the ground spreading their roots as Mark’s veins. The rocky cliffs that jagged about the coast as Mark’s teeth. Terracotta buildings married along the cobblestone roads as Mark’s bones and skin. Crashing waves strong and tethering as Mark’s consciousness. But his heart, his intolerable heart, was with someone else. There was a part of him he left behind when he fled Italy five years ago.

Time is what everyone tries to outrun. Time was the best healer in the way of forgetting. To forget what was, was the only way to peace. Let memory blur the vivid images. Let another’s touch distract you. Let the past become a ghost. Five years would do.

The rolling green hills and mountains that seem to brush the clouds whip by as Mark stares out the train window. Mark picks at his hangnails, a nervous habitat, as he tries to place his mind elsewhere. A lot of distant memories are threatened to surface but he tries to let time hold them down. It was his fiancee Natalie’s idea to come back to Italy for the summer. Mark agreed as if he had not torn himself away from this very country.

It was Natalie, who he sat across from, who was very insistent on coming here. She sat with her back straight, brown hair tucked behind her ear, also gazing out the window. Subconsciously she seemed to be rolling a pen between her fingers, an evident crease sitting between her brows even though her face was relaxed. Mark and Natalie have been together for four years now.

It wasn’t in Mark’s mind that this summer they would be uprooted and dropped into a different country but here they were fresh off a flight to Rome staring at what was Tuscany. Mark was surprised his dad was encouraging that he go on this vacation as the Tuan borderline monopoly business company would be out it’s apprentice CEO. Mr. Tuan insisted this change would be good, a way to further Natalie’s interest and to clear her fiance’s head - as he put. 

He and Natalie worked good together. There is this level of blissful toleration they found. The word feels negative but really to be able to exist in the same space and not completely resent each other is what they found was they considered a successful relationship. Natalie is considerate, she is a true scale in nature and will always weigh the situation. She is brash and beautiful and wins the attention of a room like a magnetic. She’s funny when she needs to be and also will graciously leave the room when Mark is in need of a quiet space.However, still in the same breath, their relationship hasn’t always worked.

Over the years she has brought an inordinate need of attention. Mark was observant and could tell her itching need to make him feel jealousy, even if subconsciously. There was this desire she possessed to draw in his attention by getting attention from others. Mark couldn’t put a finger on the exact root of this behavior. There was this push and pull that threatened them constantly as if she could sense the forever present disconnect Mark felt. It wasn’t her to blame but something Mark tirelessly tried to explain yet even when they would patch their relationship up her brain would revert back. She’d hurt him, even cheated on him, yet she was the one at the end of the day that comforted him about it. Mark learned over the years you cannot pinpoint a human they will always speak more in their own head then they will express to you. 

At times she could read Mark more well than others could. She could read him for more than a quite boy who had nothing to say when the real fact of the manner is he had everything to say. Often the brown haired boy would roll over his thoughts on how to say it. Mark was actually quite charming and easily could make anyone feel they could trust him. This side of Mark made him that much more alluring to the public eye and for an admittedly selfish reason made Natalie proud to parade her ring around.. 

They stayed together. They always did. She wanted Mark for what he is. He accepted her what she is. It worked. It does work.

“Mark. You are doing it again.” Natalie’s voice cut through the air causing him to snap his attention forward. She sat across from in the first class train car. Her bag sits neatly next to her. He hums in response.

“Your spacing thing” She says smiling slightly, looking out the window briefly. “I’m really glad we decided on this. I think it will be good for us both.” She crosses her legs even though the table between them is too low for her to.

The sun casts a warm glow into the train car illuminating the dust in the air. 

“Yeah, uh, no for sure. The scenery is like no other.” Mark swallows between his sentences waving his hands vaguely around. The green hills of Tuscany do make someone appreciate what is the natural beauty of Italy. From his peripherals he can see Natalie planning what she will say next. 

“I really think we can really work on ourselves. And us as a couple, I think this quality time will pull us even closer together, maybe even official tie-”

“Nat.” Mark cut in too sharply.

“I know. I know.” She sounded defeated and spacey but she didn’t let it linger, Mark shifted in his seat trying to re position himself and his coat. “You know there is something romantic about this city, it’s alluring and challenging… Did you know I even have some photo shoots booked with this photographer who actually does works in Positano. It was just too convenient especially since we plan to stay there and all. You could come along too, we could get some photos together and you know you got a million dollar face babe.” 

“I don’t want your pity photo shoot” Mark scoffed but couldn’t stop the smile on his face.

“Stooop.” Natalie laughed throwing a napkin from the table at him as he slyly caught it. “I just” she sighed, “really am looking forward to time alone with you.”

Mark made an effort to reach out and grab her hand grasping it tightly as anything. She had this smirk on her face but her eyes were fairly distant. There was this look he couldn’t quite read. Something disconnected but warm. He hated he couldn’t tell her that he loved her. He didn’t like the word or concept it brought. The word had no real depth if used frequently and Mark no longer believed in the unrealistic ideal of happily ever after. A dream was exactly what the word held, a wish. He grew up in the last five years with realistic ideals. He couldn’t say he loved this poor girl in the way the movies washed it into our thoughts. He cared about her and could live with the comfort of their relationship over the burning passion. She never felt to say she loved him either.

 

When they arrived in Naples they were sent a driver to pick them up as they had to drive along the coast to get to the town they were staying at, Positano. Half of Mark wishes he would have the same driver he had all those years back who went by the nickname of the Wolf. Everyone throughout the towns knew of this man and would howl from their mopeds or cars if they were to recognize him driving by. He smiled fondly of the memory of that man who talked animatedly and wore button down shirts, a fedora and thick curls with an unruly beard. 

The air in Italy was fresh today a nice breeze casting from the sea, a gift before the undoubtedly hot dense air to come. Mark helped Natalie carry her bags out the train station to find their driver. Her sun dress and shawl whipped around in the wind, cold and edging on violent. Mark gave her his grey tartan jacket leaving himself only in a black turtleneck. She took it graciously leaning more into him for warmth. 

The nostalgia of even this train station was itching at him. There was no way Mark could avoid the gnawing feeling he got from unintentionally retracing his steps from five years ago. When they finally were met by their driver there was a weird disappointment it wasn’t his old friend. _The past is what it is, everyone and everything must have moved on over the year, no reason to dwell._

The twisting road along the very edge of the cliffs was something Mark definitely could not forget as the nerves blurred his vision from even appreciating the beauty of the colorful towns tucked away in these cliffs. How could one complain when the sea in it’s brilliant hues hugged the coast as the car drove. Natalie seemed to be deeply engaged in a conversation with the driver mistakenly sitting in the seat behind him so she had to lean over Mark to visibly see the driver. Mark sat in the middle seat not taking a chance being in the seat closer to the cliff. Heights were not his thing.

There was the slow burning panic that Mark could feel coming, the best way to avoid it was to close his eyes shutting out the views and everything around him. As he felt himself drifting and turning around the cliff sides he then felt a gentle hand on his thigh and Natalie’s voice in his ears.

“Open your eyes, the view is just amazing!” She spoke with an urgency that was due to her excitement not being able to stifle.

As encouraged and slightly curious as he was he didn’t at first. He kept his eyes screwed even tighter when he then heard a buckle and felt Natalie weaving her way to the other side. God why is he here, there was more of a reason than just the fall to his death that he can’t open his eyes. There was this raging frustration in him he couldn’t express, why was the fear so strong. _Just open your eyes!_

With two incredibly deep breaths. A moment passed and then he peeled his eyelids up, his eyelashes fluttering, he was...stunned. The cascading mountains and peaks of the coast bubbled this childlike wonder into him. It was breathtaking. The way the sky at dusk was deep blue and yellow mixed with the green mountainous rocks was everything he remembered. He was overwhelmed as if it was the first time again, as if he was thrown back into what was. The tears were unwelcome but welled behind his deep brown eyes. _Please. _He doesn’t know what he’s asking for but the mercy of this place was unruly.__

____

____

The car drove swiftly around another ridge in which Positano could now be seen and it was everything that he remembered strangely melodic and picturesque. Natalie had rolled down a window and the harsh wind had awoke his senses. The way the town sat high on both sides of valley, warm toned painted houses nestled in between these cliffs with the dark rolling sea crashing into the lighted city was beyond fathomable. 

“Fucking magical.” Natalie whispered in disbelief. 

It is paradise here, Mark watches Natalie turn to him tucking her hair behind her ear as she hangs out the window and he knows he should feel more than content. Mark is here in this paradise and he has to pinch himself biting the inside of his cheek to check. Natalie looks at him awestruck and in that moment he is content, how can he not be. Mark reaches for her hand pulling her towards him and into a searing kiss. He is more than content, he has all he needs.

 

They arrived at their hotel in no time after almost running into tons of motorcyclist zooming past their car. Not only was Mark’s family rolling in money they were deep diving in it and were able to book a single bed room for the whole summer at the Le Sirenuse, the most expensive, and most perfectly placed hotel in all of Positano. It’s deep red exterior with white trimming and gold accents stood out even among all of the colorful properties littering the hillside of Positano. Natalie had found the hotel and had not thought twice booking it. 

“I am head over heels for this place.” Natalie let out a long breath and looked around at the extreme elegance of the lobby. Making sure she marked her place she plopped down on the bright sofas and gazing at the stark white walls mixed with climbing ivy. Mark silently walked up to the receptionist to check them in not pulling any attention. He politely handled the checking into the one bedroom suite with a sea view. The gentle chatter and ambiance lighting to accompany the now evening sky was now the background for Mark. The cold wind struck his pale skin and he couldn’t tell if he got chills from the draft or a drifting memory.

 

They had then decided once the bags were dropped off they would walk hand in hand to a restaurant as Natalie complained of the growing stomach pain from hungry. Natalie gently brushed her thumb over Mark’s in a comforting gesture. She seemed to lean into him smiling at him in an endearing way. The streets were so quaint and perfect for the moment.

“You good babe?” She said softly looking around as she did. The dim street lights lit their path as they looked up at the opposing hillside that towered above their eye line full of houses and lights.

“Yeah. Just feeling a little sick from the car ride. It’s really nothing.” Mark squeezed her hand gently and let go of it to grab her waist and pull her closer. She seemed to brush it off choosing to move on. 

“I’m kinda just feeling pizza hm? I don’t know if I even want to walk that much it’s been a long travel day for us both. I know someone recommended this pizza place right up ahead” Natalie pointed towards a spot that dipped down from the path and Mark nodded in agreement.

The hillside lit up in the background was just stunning and Mark couldn’t get enough of it mixed with this brittle air. He missed this place and he vaguely remembers this road they were walking on now. They trudged up the sidewalk until they finally got to the stairs that took them down a few feet till they were in an outdoor seating with big lemon trees and lights hung all around giving it such a mystical ambiance. There was even a bridge that took you to the main seating area where you could sit inside or just get a table. 

Something unnerving hit Mark like a truck as soon as they sat at a table tucked right under a lemon tree. Mark felt every nerve on his skin electrify. He could feel his hands grow clammy and his throat tighten. He knew this place. He knew this place too well. He could feel himself lock up but the panic arose so fast he had to run but he couldn’t. Natalie gave him a strange look but then a voice echoed in his ears bringing his attention away, away to his doomed fate.

“Can I start you off with something to drink?” Mark snapped his head around.The entire world then stopped when he found himself looking at him.

The man he once loved. Jackson Wang.


	2. Chapter 2

He wished he could sink, sink into his chair and drown himself in the sea. This was not happening to him. Absolutely not. He couldn’t move, couldn’t unclench his jaw or fist tucked forcefully in his lap. This man who had been his savior and his rapture peered at him, right before him, his expression incredibly blank.

Jackson. Those doe eyes barred into Mark, stone cold, besides a burning glint that was most likely from tension. He was sure doing an incredible job at hiding any shock as he stood completely straight, hands locked behind his back. The tight small smirk he wore was evident the strain he was holding back. Jackson was staring at him as if he was completely a stranger and Mark could not decide if this made him want to throw something at him or thank him. He wish he could scream at this man before him, scream, cry completely smother him in his sleep but it gnawed at him that this overwhelming emotion came from somewhere. He stared back at him - blank.

“Umm, I’ll have your house red please.” Natalie gushed up at him putting on her best charm and unflattering soft smile. She leaned forward gazing him at Jackson in which he finally broke eye contact with Mark to turn his attention to her. Jackson nodded tightly. He smiled in a way that felt so forced, yet to anyone would be kind. It made Mark’s stomach churn, oh how he knew what that smile brought.

“Mark. Honey. What about you?” He snapped his attention to his fiance who he had completely blurred out. He must've looked like a deer in headlights as he stared at her for a few seconds, completely in his head. God he wanted to just throw up.

“House wine will be fine.” He muttered still keeping up Natalie’s gaze as she cocked her head to one side.

“I’ll bring that right away. My name is Jackson if you guys need anything.” Jackson seemed to compose himself quickly, his tone friendly as he looked between the couple. Right before he turned around Mark could see Jackson’s face twitch slightly.

He wanted to just completely shrivel up. Why him, why this place. He knew deep down that this place was somewhere he had history and that there was always the chance he would run into people. However, he was hoping that all the years would have washed his past away. _You can’t run away from what your heart wants Mark._ Those words echo in his head. His words.

“Well! He was very cute. Actually hot. Wow, Mark you got competition now, an Italian man. Well he was Asian but I didn’t know there were Asians Italians-” Natalie rambled folding her napkin into her lap.

“Natalie.” Mark cut her off hastily.

“No I just mean like he’s a server who must be from or lived here for a while! I’m not being like that! Oh and wow does he have a deep husky voice too...” The last part she dropped her voice down to imitate him. Yes Natalie, he was well aware of his voice, too aware of it. Just that idea sent a chill down his spine.

Any second now Mark could go into full panic. The corners of his eyes were blurring, his mind wandering every second from any word Natalie was saying. He picked furiously at the hangnail on his thumb, he could just feel himself numbing, coherent thoughts weren’t even forming in his brain. Why Jackson, why couldn’t you have just moved on and traveled somewhere else like you planned to do. Travel the whole coast! That’s all Jackson use to ramble on and on about.

“Mark you have been oddly shifty. I was only joking about our waiter. Is that why you can’t seem to focus and are all like hibernating on me?” She laughed lightheartedly reaching across the table for his hand. Mark didn't take up her offer continuing to dig at his thumb.

“No. Nat it’s not our waiter. He’s very...cute” why was that so hard to say, “I’m just still a little sick from the ride in, made me really anxious or something, that’s all."  
He then felt another presence and he just knew, sure as anything, who the overwhelming presence was. Mark couldn’t even meet his eyes. He couldn’t look up from the menu he was staring so intensely at. He couldn’t meet those eyes, the eyes that begged him to stay all those years ago, those eyes that could make him weaker than any kryptonite.

“Here you go. Are we ready to order?” Jackson skillfully placed down their wine glasses and poured the red liquid in with ease.

“Oh! We haven’t even really looked at the menu.” Natalie was obviously flashing him that white smile of hers. God this situation was so backwards. “What do you suggest Jackson?”  
Jesus, if she says his name one more time he might actually projectile vomit. To have your soon to be wife taking to your long lost Italian gay ex while she doesn’t know that’s your long lost Italian gay ex is one of the most uncomfortable situations Mark has ever been in.

“Our pizza’s are my personal favorite. If you are in town for a little while you are not aloud to leave without trying them.” Jackson seems normal as if he went back to the kitchen, screamed, and came back good as knew. He still possessed that charm in which he could swoon any gender, any age, off their feet into the current and lost at sea. Mark felt a pang in his chest, something longing.

“Well if the local says so we must now must’ve we Darling?” Natalie beams up at Jackson placing her small palm under her chin smiling between Jackson and Mark. Jackson chuckles, smiling that warm toothy smile that is so charming it makes Mark want to burst into tears. He hates how Jackson dictates his emotions. He feels every tingle that he use to as if he was thrown back into the world he forced himself to forget. It had taken a lot of effort to try to scrub Positano out of his brain, out of his mouth.

“What brings you guys to Positano? Jackson asks. Mark was secretly glad he was acting as if he didn’t know everything about Mark, every inch of his skin.

“Well Mark and I are actually here for the summer as we decided it would be good to spend some alone time together. Mark plans to eventually take over this huge computer company so why not get some quality time at this gorgeous place.” Natalie explained so easily, clearly in her element.

“I feel in love with this place so many years ago. It’s impossible not to." Jackson replied trailing slightly off into his own world.

“I’m sure I will, we will,” Natalie reaches across the table grabbing Mark’s hand “when you are in love with someone, in a place as romantic as this, it’s really pure bliss. I think this place is just going to intensify our emotions and the love we feel. I’m sure you’ve fallen in love with someone Jackson. You must have with an environment like this?”

Mark’s stomach drops.

“I have.”

All Mark can do is nod forcefully swallowing back his tears. He smiles, laughing bitterly. He can feel Jackson’s eyes on him, beaming down like the rays of the sun. Mark’s ear instinctively turn a bright crimson shade and suddenly he feels twenty one and lost again. Natalie looks so blissfully unaware as she folds the napkin into her lap and re-positions her crossed legs under the table.

“We will both have a pizza then. Chef's choice.” Mark looks up from Natalie to Jackson with sparkling eyes, tears ready to spill any second. It stings, looking into the sun, Jackson. He isn’t warm and glowing but harsh and blinding to Mark’s eyes. God, god, god. He can see every memory race by when his eyes gaze into Jackson’s dead brown ones. He use to look at him with love, with compassion, but all he feels is the complete and utter betrayal simmering from the lost years. The loud pounding sound that echoes in Mark’s ear is his own heartbeat, loud and consistent.

Jackson nods curtly turning on his heels and trying his hardest to not sprint away from the situation. Mark stares at the floor trying to keep the vile from rising in his throat. He wished in that moment more than anything that they would have picked Paris.

Mark’s mind dissociates from whatever is present. He feels so suffocated, so distressed that whatever Natalie says to him for the rest of dinner completely goes in one ear and out the other. He says small confirmations between her stories but she is so caught up in her ideals for them this summer she doesn't even notice the way Mark’s eyes have completely glossed over in shock. She also seems to be idly playing with her glass of wine, tracing the rim subconsciously. In a hazy state of mind it seems only her nervous ticks draw Mark's attention.

Suddenly Mark feels a kick to his leg and blinks confused to see Natalie looking at him incredulously, her eyebrows raised in assertion.

“Mark he asked if you want more wine, you’ve downed that glass like half an hour ago, then downed the rest of mine.”

Jackson stands, looming over them, not even making eye contact directly with Mark. Mark finally sits up from his slumped state.  
“  
Uh. Um. Yeah, yeah. Long flight, uh, thank you.” Mark’s eyes seem to also look anywhere besides up at the man who is holding the wine and use to hold him. Mark laughs to himself at the irony. He’s in a rough state. He feels the house wine kick in as his vision is suddenly very blurred. Mark sniffles then shifts uncomfortably at how close Jackson is from pouring the wine.

As Jackson leans in close to pour Mark can feel his pull. It is like an imaginary string tied to both of them. He thinks of how he use to reach forward, grabbing onto his cheek and… suddenly he is aware of a dull throb in his thumb. Mark looks down to see Jackson handing him a wet cloth with his left hand hand as he pours the wine with his right. Mark didn’t even realize that he had dug into his hangnail so hard that it was now bleeding down his hand. Graciously and silently he grabs the wet cloth putting it to his thumb. Jackson must have noticed prior to already be ready with the towel. He looked up to silently thank him, quickly checking to see that Natalie was still on her phone.

Jackson use to take him to the back whenever he would nervously pick at his thumbnails and he would always have him sit next to the dishwasher as Jackson would dig around for a band-aid. Jackson would chat his ear off about difficult customers while cleaning his cut and Mark would try to apologize for distracting him from his job. Jackson would then quickly shake his head, smiling attractively while reassuring him he would much rather be kneeling in the soap water on the kitchen floor, tending to Mark’s wound, than doing his job. It was more important to him that Mark was okay. They both would then laugh breathlessly, comfortable sharing the lingering air. He remembers the way the kitchen was loud, dishes crashing, Italian men shouting back and forth. He remembers the way the moonlight and street lights would cast shadows into the white tiles of the back corner they occupied. And he remembers the way Jackson’s lips would taste and his bareback would feel against the counter where they would eventually spend after hours tangled up together.

 

He wanted to run as far away from here. Tell Natalie it wasn’t a good idea anymore and that her dream city was actually too expensive. But that wasn’t an option. They walked back to their hotel slowly, silently. Natalie wasn’t oblivious to his quiet nature but she seemed to have felt that there could be many factors in which were useless to touch upon. The cobblestone of the road was all Mark could focus on as he strolled, hands in his pockets.

He had an overwhelming sense to turn around, to run back and talk to him. How could he stay in a town for the summer and not even speak to him. He needed to apologize or even just set a mutual understanding, explain to him, he wasn’t sure how. Part of him was yearning to even just have him look at him in an honest manner. The other part of Mark wanted to never look back ever again.

“I hope you are excited too about this place. I can’t help but feel you are not in your highest spirit love. I hope I didn’t enthusiastically push you into this.” Natalie abruptly stopped looking up to him with pleading eyes. Mark stopped a few step ahead of her.

In moments like this Mark would look up to the stars as if they had answers. The sky was so clear, just as he remember it. He use to look up for answers, during nights of turmoil. He seemed to get lost in the beauty that was the vast of space. He wished his life was as simple as just a star in the sky, blissfully still and without worry.

In a spur of the moment decision he turned around and hugged Natalie tightly as if he let go she would float away. She made a sound upon impact and after a beat tightened her arms around him too. There was a crease in her brows but she chose to stay silent.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Mark whispered into her ear, a little too desperately.

“Mark?”

“You did nothing, I just am not use to this all. I love it here, always have.” He reassured her as he hastily leaned away taking her small face into his hands, she was so soft, so delicate.

“We will be alright.” Natalie smiled gently cupping her hands over his big rough ones.

 

It was about one in the morning when Mark realized that he was not going to be able to fall asleep. He gently slipped from the silk sheets that were draped across both of them. To not make a sound he tried his hardest to not hit his heels hard against the cold marble of the hotel floor. There was a balcony Mark tip toed out onto where he could breathe in the fresh sea air to clear his overactive mind.

The hotel is overwhelmingly nice as well. This room is beyond palatable, it’s everything you dream of in an Italian hotel. From the detailed blue titles to the rich gold framed art it was very elegant. The furniture was expensively made in traditional luxury with a bath built into the wall that has its own window. There were then huge french doors that lead into a huge queen bed. But the best feature is the double doors that open to this large balcony that overlook the famous hillside of colorful houses. The houses appear to stack on one another, as the vertical city it is, like they have belonged there all along. Not only is there the huge hill of striking houses but mountains frame the top of the city like a fairy tale painting you only dream of.

Mark is on the balcony, unable to budge. Never in his life has he felt this nostalgic about anything. As a kid Mark was constantly moving from coast to coast never staying in a place too long. Why was it here in this city he gets a sense of belonging he couldn't shake. The sheer natural beauty of the hillside of Positano was overwhelming every sense in Mark as he looked out upon it.

Gripping tightly Mark held the cold bar of the balcony, twisting his wrist hesitantly, as he shoved the unwelcome tears back. So much loss was felt five years ago and had he pushed it away for his own good? Why did the pit in his stomach feel foreign and persistent. Five years ago he had stood in this same spot looking at this hill and had felt relief. He had felt that new horizons were possible and that that summer he would find himself. Did he leave himself here as well? Leaning more into the railing, Mark pinched his eyes closed trying to, again, still his mind. He doesn’t think he can do this anymore. He doesn’t think he can bare another moment in the same city as him. He needs to...he needs to go talk to him.

It wasn’t the smartest move to face him and apologize when he knows that he hurt Jackson beyond salvaging but as he looks back putting his chin on his shoulder, he realizes he can’t lay back in that bed without going to see Jackson.

With a quick pen to paper he writes Natalie a note in case she wakes and he decides to go at least talk to Jackson. _God this is stupid._ He already had found himself trudging up the long sidewalk to the place Jackson once resided. He had no idea if he still was at this house but as he walked along the winding road so many times memories seemed to pass his mind.

It was like the past him floated about the area as a ghost to what was once his life. The scenery he once looked upon again was in his presence. The comfortable stillness of the town during the night was something he would never forget, running about these streets drunk and warm from liquor and Jackson’s laugh. The way the lights would look like stars upon the towering hillside and the low valleys of overgrown plants under the bridge between the two hillsides. The alley cats and the smell of his old Italian cologne he would routinely purchase. It was all overwhelming lingering in his senses.  
  
The reason in which Jackson even ended up in Positano was the reason he could stay in a luxurious house, which is saying a lot for the fact you have to be a millionaire to even own property in Positano. A very rich man who had taken a liking to Jackson deemed him trustworthy enough to house sit for him as he was gone ten months a year and only visited this certain house occasionally. It had been up to chance and luck that as long as Jackson provided his own income for his own pleasures that he could stay in this rich man’s house for free. It seemed that the offer still stands as Mark approached the gate to the house and Jackson’s moped scooter was parked on the street outside.

Breathless Mark stood outside the gate staring up at the big white house that was tucked into the trees and had a wrap around balcony that overlooked the ocean. Mark always found it striking being on the opposite side of the hill and still getting the same breathtaking view. He use to really like staring off at the town.

There was something thumping in him that could only be described as his nerves and regret holding hands. Maybe he should just really turn around and pretend he never even came here but something in him planted his feet into the ground. He didn’t want to ring the call button but would rather just walk up to the door and knock. So doing what he remember was the easiest way to get in, he just reached around and pulled on what what he nicknamed the child lock for it only took a hard pull to get open. This gate was anything but new and Jackson would joke about how it was virtually not needed at all.

Upon the gently creak of the rusty gate, the eerie pathway up to the house was guided by the moonlight. His last chance to turn away was now. Taking a minute to back out if he so desired, he thought long and hard about how this could be a very bad idea to rehash any of what use to be. Was Mark just hurting them both more by trying to explain himself? He never again wanted to see how hurt Jackson’s face was when he left him, he’d rather never see again.

But as if faith knew before he did, he was walking up the dirt path the fruit trees positioned around him spiking up, black in the moonlight. His nervous grew even more immensely, itching at his skin. Mark could turn back now and go back to Natalie but he soon realized that if he wanted that he would have not left the bed in the first place.

Then as the house came into closer view he looked up to see something that made his heart clench tight, his stomach lurch in discomfort. Jackson could be seen in the second story bedroom and there he was, fucking up into some girl. Mark wanted to run, wanted to physical puke every last bit of his guts into the primly cut bushes. This was not happening. He couldn’t move, he was stuck, his mouth growing drier.

The girl was turned away from the window but was riding Jackson, her head tucked into his neck and her arms dangling over his back. Mark could see every part of his old lover’s face, the way his eyes fluttered shut, his lips parted slightly as he slowly thrusted up into this stranger. It was in that moment which Mark’s eyes were transfixed on what was happening that Jackson locked eyes with Mark.

They both stared at each other so intensely it felt as if it was only a matter of seconds before one of them would combust. But as Mark thought Jackson would abruptly get up or close the curtains he didn’t, Jackson didn’t even stop, he actually sped up. Maintaining eye contact Jackson continuously thrusted into this nameless girl torturing the gaze of Mark. Mark hated this. He hated every single second. Seeing his Jackson, who once held him so softly, was the same man having sex with someone before his very eyes felt so dirty. This was not how it was supposed to turn out. Mark felt a single tear weakly form at the corner of his eye but he was so shocked he could not wipe it away. Jackson didn’t even flinch as the girl started to throw her head back moaning and clawing hard at him as if he was her only cure. But he never slowed, he stayed in the moment, eyes barring so intensely into Mark that Mark soon realized his unbreakable gaze wasn’t out of curiosity but out of betrayal. It was out of pure treachery of the heart.

_Oh, how I hurt you Jackson._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys are enjoying this story as much as I'm enjoying writing it. Sorry for any mistakes and please leave a comment I love all of your reactions! Also I want to add that I have actually been to Positano so any place mentioned (besides Jackson's house) is real.


	3. Chapter 3

The inability to move was so present that there was no other choice but to watch everything unfold before him. He could have ran, he could have simply got his answer that Jackson was busy and he could have turned around — but that didn’t happen. 

From what it looked like Jackson didn’t need Mark to console him and he didn’t want him to. Why was it always that Jackson would feel obligated to fix situations but when Mark needed to fix it he couldn’t seem to find the solution. 

At some point Mark had drawn his eyes down, away from the scene that was making him turn as red as the tomatoes in the garden. He felt a distant pang in his abdomen as if his body remembered what use to be. He couldn’t tell if it was vile or blood lingering on his tongue. 

What gave Jackson the right to be fucking someone so obviously in front of Mark as if he wanted to make him jealous? It had been so long and there was no use in being childish about any of this. Now Mark was just angry. This Jackson was not who he remembered. This Jackson is not the same Jackson who would pick fruit from the garden every morning and make sure Mark had only the freshest breakfast. Even though that Jackson still struggled to cook, he did it regardless because he knew Mark liked it. 

In a haste Mark marched right up to the door forcefully hitting his fist against the decorative iron, “Jackson! I know you are in there!” _bastard._

“Jackson!” He knocked harder, “Jackson we need to talk. Now!” his voice came out raspy from how hard he yelled the last part. Was it even worth the trouble? He really wished he could just have gone somewhere far away from the door of Jackson Wang’s house.

Right before Mark was about to knock again the door finally swung open. Jackson stood in only a robe that hung openly and underwear. Oh how this boy was always so forward and _that_ could never change.

“We need to talk.” Mark just repeated as if he hadn’t been screaming the same thing a few seconds ago.

All Jackson did was nod and step back allowing him in. It took all of Mark’s integrity for him to not just run the other way. Yet after a shaky breath he walked into the house that held so many distant memories. 

Both of them looked at each other as if neither knew how to start yet both had million things to get off their chest. Almost all the lights in the house were shut off and it felt a lot more dim than he remembered. When you step into a place you haven’t been in so long it just feels as if everything rushes back. Mark looked away from Jackson and gently brushed at the blanket in which always hung off the back of the couch, trying to ground himself back into what was their reality. Mark closed his eyes tight.

“You always want to talk and then expect me to be the one to say something first.”

_Ouch._

“I think you already said plenty with what you were doing upstairs Jackson.” Mark snapped his eyes open and retaliated already too on edge to have a normal conversation.

“You have a ton of nerve coming back here you know that? You're not the one that actually lives in this city Mark.” Jackson shifted impatiently and then looked behind his shoulder waiting a second before rolling his eyes. Mark could tell how antsy this was making him. 

He knew this too that was the thing. Mark made this mess.

“I just- I just want to talk it out.” Mark repeats himself as if the same sentence hasn’t tumbled from his lips multiple times at this point.

“Then spit it out. Talk. You want to act so surprised that I was with someone as if years haven’t gone by, I moved on... I saw your ring so you must have too.” Jackson had no patience and was speaking to Mark with an incredible amount of distaste it really stung. In the moment it was easy to point fingers but the fine line of being a hypocrite was beyond blurred.

Mark bite his cheek hard not letting himself get too wrecked in this. He wasn’t letting Jackson get the best of him, how did he go from wanting to tear his hair out to wanting to smooth it within a minute.

“Can we please, just sit or something? _Please._ ” Mark hated the inferior feeling that was surfacing. 

There was this way in which Jackson could so easily get into his head. Mark’s temperament grew into this unsettling frustration. It was that in certain situations the feeling of being disparaged made him want to lash out — he hated that feeling. 

“I need a cigarette.” Jackson muttered in return turning on his heels and leaving Mark astray with only the cold tiled floor and disgruntled memories. 

 

_Mark sat on the Positano beach that barely anyone went to. The path you had to take was so breathtaking it was impossible to not stop to take in the scenery every other step. It was embedded along the side of the cliffs and it took ten minutes to walk across. The beach in which Mark sat upon was not the large one the path would traditionally take you to but the one you had to detour off of. This beach was absolutely filled with rocks and then more smaller rocks with barely any sand. Mark always came here to think._

_Sometimes Mark would even climb up and sit on the rocky sides to watch the waves crash gently below his feet. It was absolutely serene. The white caps would roll in endless blues totally swallowing your worries. There was something intriguing to him how he could get lost in the consistency of each wave. The large coast of Amalfi could even be seen in the distance, a fading grey blue as far as you could see. Mark let the waves barley tickle his feet as the daylight was trickling away. He was in total utter peace._

_“Mark!” He suddenly felt a whole body slam into him tackling him into the smaller rocks and definitely hurting every part of his body as the stones slammed into his flesh. This man, however, would most certainly be the death of him if not for just accidentally killing him._

_“That hurt you bastard! Did you not see the rocks...literally everywhere.” Mark growled as he twisted around to see Jackson hovering behind him with a grossly attractive smile and half lidded eyes._

_“All I saw was a cute brunette deep in thought looking longing out at the sea.” Jackson sighed dramatically and climbed off the furiously blushing Mark plopping himself right beside him. The immediate heat Mark felt was noticeable and daunting._

_Mark tried to hide his face over his shoulder and behind his arm for a brief moment, the heat tinting his cheeks. Jackson's friendship was pulling him in all directions it was like he was a tumbling rock being pushed and pulled by the current. One minute he was secure only being told of this life Jackson tended to lead and the next he was finding himself allured too deep into the waters to be safe. Friends don’t melt your heart and burn new colors into your skin. Mark squeezed his eyes shut, taking a breath, then he pulled himself up to sit facing the current._

_Jackson took the liberty of creating no space between them and scooting closer till his leg briefly brushed Mark’s own. It took everything in him to not shiver at the contact._

_“I feel like I find you in this exact same spot more times than not. What’s it about this beach?” Jackson plays idly with a rock in his hand, bouncing it playfully. Mark’s eyes follow the rock up and down._

_“Quite. Less people. I like the way the waves roll in and out. I find myself drawn to this shoreline time after time and whenever I seem to go on a walk I end up in this same spot.” Mark zones out slightly by the end of his own sentence._

_“I like watching you think. It makes me mull over things in my own mind. You provoke this aura I can’t really describe Mark.” Jackson smiles up at him with his cute closed mouth smile and suddenly nothing else around Mark matters.  
“I like saying your name, I like looking at your face, I like the words you choose. I think I just like you Mark.” _

_“You like everyone though Jackson. Anyone that walks in a room you just can make them feel comfortable in an instance. You go from introducing yourself to laughing and grabbing tightly onto them in a few seconds… I really do appreciate how you can make anyone feel like they are apart of something… not many have that quality.” Mark swallows as he stares intently at Jackson not being able to look away afraid he will miss even a blink and have to part from the way his eyelashes flutter._

_Jackson is suddenly uncharacteristically quiet after that comment. Looking away from Mark’s gaze Jackson begins to dig half halfheartedly at the rocks near Mark’s thigh._

_“Did I say something wrong?” Mark said leaning down and trying to catch Jackson’s eye once again._

_Jackson stays silent for a moment longer very much concerning Mark as he is not sure if he just ruined the whole momentum they had going. But their legs stay entangled and Jackson’s chest rises steadily, like the waves._

_“Mark what’s on your mind? From the moment you’ve got here that is all I’ve been wanting to know.” Jackson utters so quietly Mark almost missed what he said._

_“What do you mean?”_

_Before Mark can even really try to analyze what Jackson just said to him he suddenly is taken aback when Jackson leans forward putting his lips right up next to Mark’s ear. The sudden action causes Mark to jump slightly, the inhale of breath obvious to them both._

_Just as Mark thinks something incredibly nerve wrecking is about to be uttered he hears, “race you to the water.”_

_Jackson is then off, sprinting like the athlete he’s always been and is taking a few long strides right into the sea laughing gleefully as if the mood had never changed._

_What a wonder this boy is, this charming and dangerous boy. Not the dangerous in the way he could harm you, no, in the way he could make you question everything you thought you wanted. And what mark wanted - was him._

 

“When have you ever smoked?” 

The cicadas were extra loud tonight, filling the air with consistent bother. Mark found himself on the second story balcony as Jackson leaned against the railing skillfully lighting his cigarette. Jackson shrugged as he took a drag, the light grey smoke swirled up into the cold night air.

“A lot of things happened in the years you’ve been gone. It shouldn’t matter to you what I do anymore.” Jackson looked out into the hillside of balcony, he was trying to stabilize whatever emotion was bubbling. He did stabilize it. He was cold to Mark. 

As if he felt the demeanor of the boy Mark crossed his arms partly because he was cold and also because he had nowhere to put them as they both didn’t even end up sitting like he suggested.

“You’ve never smoked before... why do I feel looking like I’m looking at a different human?” 

“Because I wanted a cigarette?” Jackson scoffed.

“No because you are acting like a whole different human being! You aren’t at all who I remembered.” Mark didn’t want to cry and he promised himself he would not but even being the one saying those words hurt. He hated that Jackson was so guarded right now, he hated it because he did this.

Jackson took another hit of his cigarette and then closed his eyes tightly resting his knuckles between his eyebrows. Then as if the boy could take it no longer he turned around rapidly with venom on the tip of his tongue.

“Ever care to think Mark that maybe the reason I’m not as _welcoming_ to you is that you were the one to leave me. To be between my sheets saying how much you love me and how you can’t live without me and then up and leaving the very next morning. Ever care to think about that? Time didn’t heal the wounds you carved into me. Oh! And then you have the nerve to come back with a ring on your finger and a girl who you have no problem staying with. The thing is, babe, you don’t get to tell me how I’m allowed to act.” Jackson then shoved the cigarette back into his mouth his hand shaking slightly.

Mark was rendered speechless. If there was anyway to hit a nerve and make Mark’s skin crawl to no avail — Jackson did it. Mark really hurt him deep. Subconsciously the american boy twisted the ring around his finger not knowing what to say, knowing that he cut Jackson so immeasurably that it striped that warm smile, that warm laugh, until there was nothing but frigid bitterness that bit instead of kissed.

How was it that no matter what he wanted to say, he still wanted to just reach forward and grab a hold of this boy’s cheek. Mark thought that coming back to this place that maybe he could finally get closure over the situation but oh how Jackson electrified everything in him in the worst way. 

“I understand why you are upset. It’s just that- It just makes sense… she and I… I hope we can both be mature and move on from what was. You have someone,” Mark looks back to where the French doors of the bedroom are, “you made that clear.”

Jackson laughs so emptily it’s startling to Mark.

“I have no plan on marrying her Mark. I didn’t think I’d ever see your face again. The fact you showed up here five years later, with a ring, is a little hard to swallow.”

“I know Jackson. I can’t ask you to completely forgive me for leaving but I came to try to make some amends.”

“Ever think we are a little beyond amends.”

“Jesus gaga.” Jackson flinched at Mark’s pet name, “Can we just drop the whole act and can you look at me like I’m someone you use to care about... I’m only asking that we be friends.” Mark extends his hand, his mouth closed tight in frustration and his eyes low. It was taking all of him to not break.

Jackson just stared down at his hand the cigarette burning almost all the way, the embers creeping up red and angry towards his fingers. Jackson’s eyes were downcast to the shaky hand Mark protruded into the dim moonlight. 

“What’s her name?” Jackson said so softly eyes still staring down to Mark’s hand.

“Natalie. She’s a model, she has the right intentions and allows me space when I need it. There’s no reason to not get along, she’s good to me.” Mark pulled his hand back also looking anywhere but the Hong Kong boy’s eyes.

He felt they were both in grieving, neither wanted to admit the urge to sob. Mark’s throat tightened and screamed at him. This trip was nothing but a horrible flashback at what he gave up.

“I hope you found what you needed Mark. I hope you made the right choice. Whatever we felt those years ago is gone — consider it dead.” Jackson's eyes flickered up slowly as if someone emerging from sea the water dripping down the skin as an afterthought. 

When Mark meet his eyes he felt as if someone struck him hard in the chest, struck him and clawed at what hurt the very most. Jackson’s stare hurt like nothing had ever hurt. It felt like Mark had killed the love this boy felt for him, smothered it and buried it deep. He never wanted to see Jackson this defeated.

“I guess I’ll see you around.” Jackson then walked over to the table on the balcony that held an ashtray putting out what little was left of his cigarette and very well their relationship.

Mark nodded quickly and turned around to hide whatever tears started trickling out of his eyes, spilling hot and fast. He felt as if he could throw up. Quickly Mark shifted around so he was facing towards Jackson’s house, looking into the glass doors. What caught his eye was that girl that Jackson had been with it. She was sitting on the bed with her hair falling over her bare chest and was casually scrolling through her phone. 

That was who possessed Jackson’s heart, not him. He could have been that person lying in Jackson’s bed. Mark had someone else in his bed too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooo sorry this shit is sooo angsty. I have a playlist I listen to and for now on I think I'm going to name the chapters with a song so the song for this one is beyond amends by gus dapperton. Likeee  
> "Lay this heavy stone, my love  
> You didn't have to grieve like that  
> I know, I know, my love  
> I didn't want to leave like that"  
> this fic is hurting me too..  
> also leave a comment! it fuels my motivation to write!


	4. Chapter 4

_Positano was the most busy in the summer. People from all over would come to vacation in the town of colorful buildings built into the mountains. Thousands of steps and old architecture that you feel like you are in a colorful matrix of paradise. It is as if in Positano nothing can go wrong, nothing can hurt._

_Mark had landed only a few days ago in Italy with a single suitcase and freedom for one summer. Mark’s father knew that once Mark stepped back in America he would have the immense pressure of the company on him. It was as if his youth was numbered now and only a getaway could clear his head._

_In actuality Mark could have chosen anywhere to vacation to, anywhere, but there was something that drew him to Italy. He had been drifting down the Amalfi coast in a little car with no real place to go but a command to halt the car at any town he sees fit. It was upon a quick turn around the edge of one of the towering cliffs that the town of Positano came into view. Mark was truly awestruck by the view in front of him, it was just so cinematic that Mark had to immediately shout out “pullover!”._

_Now Mark sat in a little restaurant that had a clear view of the decorative church and turquoise waves rolling in. He could get use to the ambiance of this city. It brought him such immense joy he couldn’t help but smile gently to himself about at what would be his reality for the next few months. The weather was nice enough that Mark could sit outside under the lush lemon trees, soaking up the sun, sitting at a little wired table with an orange table cloth._

_Curiously Mark looked about the area. There was a main hub of the restaurant that you had to take a mini little bridge across since it sat on top of a building that was connected below. It felt like looking down an open stairwell. Mark loved the little quirks of his surrounding it was so nice to feel completely unaware of each turn._

_“Hello! My name is Jackson I will be your server today can I get you anything to drink?” A raspy English rung out to Mark and he looked up from his daze to see his server was very much not Italian. He had this immediate presence to him that was bold and yet intriguing._

_“Are you from out of town?” The man asked not breaking eye contact from Mark. It was not intimidation he felt but more so a forwardness that was less polite conversation but more of  
an interest._

_“Uh-” Mark stuttered apparently not using his vocal cords enough since he landed here._

_“I saw your suitcase” Jackson pointed slightly behind him. Yet Mark just looked at him blankly, kind of just smiling awkwardly, mouth hung open slightly ready to say something._

_“Oh! I apologize, mi scusi, I’ve been assuming your language-”_

_“No no no, I speak English you’re good man.” Mark replied reassuring the waiter. This guy, Jackson, looked as if his brain had a million ideas and things to say and he was just waiting to say them._

_“Well they did assign me to your table because they assumed you might speak English,” Jackson shrugged with a lopsided smile, “Where are you from?” immediately he slid into the seat across from Mark without a second thought as if it was casual for a waiter to do so. Mark chuckled to himself._

_“LA. Born and raised but my family is Chinese.” Mark nodded amused._

_“No way! I’m from Hong Kong” Jackson exclaimed as he stretched his arms out wide in glee, his face lighting up. The animation of this boy was making it hard to stop smiling, he needed a friend while he was here and maybe his waiter would be it._

_“I went to an international high school and learned English and then I studied Korean, french, and then somehow ended up in Italy, so know that too.” Jackson had a tinge of a Hong Kong accent in his inflection and it was incredibly charming._

_“I’m going to be here for the summer so I should probably learn some Italian why I’m here” Mark commented causally just wanting to fill the space and continue talking to his eccentric waiter, who by the way probably had other tables to wait on._

_“The whole summer? Wow. Hey! You know I could teach you some Italian! Only of course if you want me too. I would be completely yours as a personally tutor - with a good tip.” Jackson then winked at him and stood up aware of having to get back to his duties._

_There was this polite and eager smile Mark couldn’t wipe off his face as he nodded along to whatever this boy said. At the back of his mind Mark couldn’t shake the idea that he might just isolate himself for an entire summer and not be encouraged enough to forwardly make friends but hey, he wasn’t doing bad so far._

_“That would be super helpful actually. I’ll have to take you up on that.” Mark tried not to sound too eager but he was secretly really excited to have someone here._

_“Awesome. Also, what did you want to drink again…” Jackson squinted slightly pointing his finger as if to ask what Mark’s name was since he never actually gave it._

_“Mark. And I’ll have your house red please.”_

_“Coming right up, Mark.” Jackson smiled once again and spun on his heels crossing the bridge to where the main hub was. There was something incredible warm about the boy as if the ability of making friends was simply never a stress. Maybe Mark could learn something from this energetic Hong Kong native._

_The rest of the meal Mark couldn’t help that his eyes would linger to wherever Jackson would wander. The food and wine were easy to stomach and the taste was so relieving he was completely satisfied and maybe the company contributed to that feeling of relief. Every time Jackson would come to check on him or bring him something he tended to stay a little longer to pick Mark’s brain a little bit. There is just something about the aura of this boy that makes Mark giddy which is unlike his usual indifference to friends. Maybe there’s this adventurous nature to Jackson in which Mark has been longing for. This city is already full of tenacious hope and promise._

_Mark makes sure to tip Jackson extra well not wanting to make a big scene and grabs his things to quietly leave the area. Call it what it is but there is this feeling of keenness to please Jackson that Mark felt he might have overstepped the kindness of the server. Better to just leave quietly and politely fond on he might run into the boy again. He also might have left his contact information on the bill._

_Suddenly as he was dragging his suitcase towards the stairs to the main road he heard heavy footsteps and that deep voice call out “Wait Mark!”_

_Why did it feel so satisfying to turn around._

_“This is so kind but please I cannot keep all of this.”Jackson holds out the bill shaking his head to refuse the tip. Grabbing for Mark’s hands and placing the bill into it._

_“No please! I really appreciated the warm welcome to Positano it’s no big deal. I insist.” Mark smiles at him gently pushing the outstretched hand. Jackson looks dumbfounded in an oddly innocence and cute way. How a grown man can be cute is beyond Mark._

_“Wow!! Okay wow thank you Mark from LA” Jackson's voice booms exaggerated and excitable causing Mark to giggle at the demeanor of this boy._

_Suddenly as both just kind of smile at each other in a comfortable awkwardness someone calls at Jackson to get back to work. There was a moment there something in which Mark felt he started something new, something auspicious._

_“Seems like I’m holding you up. It was very nice to meet you Jackson.” Mark bows slightly ready to turn to leave when Jackson lightly grabs his arm and his grip somehow stops Mark’s breath momentarily._

_“Hey...I get out at 5:30 would you want to go out with me and my friends?”_

_How could Mark say no to those pleading eyes. He really would like to have a friend here yet there is this voice in the back of him telling him that he might be getting into something he can’t turn back from. Anxiety won’t win this time._

_“That would be great. I would actually really love that. See you back in this spot at 5:30?” Mark identifies his giddiness and relief washes over his sense as a brand new adventure is on the horizon._

_“Sounds great Mark from LA!” Jackson starts walking backwards pointing back at him intently, “Great to meet you too.” Jackson then turns around skipping slightly._

_When Mark turns towards the long sidewalk ahead he can’t help the dopey expression that cultivates his face and flips his stomach._

 

It had been four days since Mark last talked to Jackson. Four days in which he and Natalie spent doing absolutely nothing but lying around whether it be on the terrace or the beach neither seemed too apt to do much — other than lie next to each other. 

As much as Mark tried to rid that conversation of his thoughts the rise of the tide was as persistent as the thought of Jackson. At points in time he would find himself distracted not being able to separate the pulsing heart of the city and the factor that Jackson was apart of it. Yet not once had he ran into him. To be honest Mark can’t even confidently say that every time he checked his text messages he had a bit of hope Jackson would text back. It was guilt Mark decided that he was definitely feeling. Forgiveness is never easy. 

But the days went on and he went on to the best of his ability. Mark let himself try to enjoy the company of Natalie. Routine and calmness would be good for them.

Natalie usually would shop every afternoon, so animated at all of the little stores tucked about the multiplex of stairs and terracotta architecture. He most of the time would politely observe and agree every once in a while about the uniqueness of the item Natalie would try to discuss. Natalie had a very detail oriented eye for things whether it was food, art, even people most of the time. 

When she was researching on opt places to vacation it seemed that Positano was full of detail, charm and was home to one of her favorite photographers in which she was geeked to do a shoot with. It was too hard for Mark to deny her of this place for what soon turned into an obsession for her. Humans tended to create ideals in their head and it comes to a point in which you envision a whole scenario and if the scenario does not pay out exactly as thought out, disappoints eats at them. Mark has seen Natalie completely 180 before from Mark himself not following her plan only she knew about in her head, it was something they both were working on. Natalie liked to drift quite a bit, when she wanted alone space she would not be afraid to remove herself far from whatever was taking place. Mark supposed he didn’t mind her taking space to think as it gave him opportunity to meddle with his own thoughts.

The couple currently, hand in hand, walked down the redundancy of grey steps. Mark enjoyed this walk to the beach every morning as it was so scenic and tranquil. The cracked cobblestone and ivy that climb throughout the archways and decorates the homes reminds Mark how old and rich the history of the city is, he always loved that. Many nights he use to just weave around seeing all the different combinations and paths in which the stairs would take you. He did that with someone very specific.

Natalie’s summer wedges were a perpetual sound with every step and she silently gazed around too, still finding new things to observe it being only their fourth day here. She was content so Mark tried to be as well. It was unsettling having a past here that was so unspoken, he just tried to push it to the back of his mind. It was much easier to hold the hand of someone that created only a spark upon touch that shocked him awake enough to relax than someone who created a fire at the core of his being, burning and heating every inch of him a deep crimson. 

When they got to the beach Mark immediately laid down sprawling out and shutting his eyes trying to feel nothing but the rays of the sun and see nothing but the inside of his eyelids.

“Someone’s slumped.” Natalie says sardonically.

All Mark does is hum in reply enjoying the grueling heat of an Italian summer. He then feels two hands cup his face from above and a pair of plush lips kiss both of his eyelids softly. Mark can’t help the fond smile. He then reaches his hand back trying to grab for her hand and that raspy laugh she has fills his ears. 

“Mmm please just lay here with me” Mark tugged at her wrist for her to lie next to him. She sighed and cuddled up into him in content. He opened one eye to see her cuddled to his side, he had to keep reminding himself that he was solid and seeing her lying next to him helped him ground himself back into what was their present.

They lied next to each other for a long moment reveling in the comfortable silence but as if the moment stuttered a beat too long, Natalie had something to say.

“I think we should make a list of the things we want to accomplish and do while we are here. I want to start working with this photographer soon but at the same point I don’t want to be already abandoning you because this is for us and-”

“Wait what do you mean?” Mark sat up slightly confused by her intentions.

“I think I’m going to end up working more with him than originally planned but I swear it’s just because he has more ideas that would possibly be for a magazine and you can come along too, no problem! I’m sure I can work that out.”

“It’s fine Nat really. You are excited about this. I get it” Mark hardly was mad about the situation and whether that was odd or not he didn’t mind being able to spend some time alone.

“You aren’t going to be pissy about this are you?” Natalie teased trying to smooth Mark’s sprawled hair.

“No!” Mark laughs incredulously trying to swat at her hand.

“That sounds pissy,” Natalie laughs too still waving her hands in his face teasingly.

“As long as you lie back down with me and enjoy the sun more my mood will be slightly less pissy” Mark tugged at her sleepily. 

“Ass.” Natalie shakes her head sitting on her heels and refusing to lie back down.

Then from afar someone caught Mark’s attention, someone oh so familiar he did not want to have see him. It was Jackson’s ex and kind of his ex as well. Her name was Noemi and she was this incredibly laid back Italian bombshell native who knew you better than you could ever know yourself, and she was accompanied by Jackson’s other friends. This was not good and he truly had no intention ever to run into these people. He couldn’t face them.

“Nat kiss me.” Mark swallowed, sounding more on edge than in love.

“Why thank you for the invitation?” Natalie laughed shortly, kind of blinked slightly confused. Was asking that odd to her? The anxiety grew and twisted and before he knew it he grabbed a hold of her waist and pulled her to him trying to drown in the idea of her and not the people looming steps from him. She seemed into the idea of his abruptness. 

With a wavering smirk grabbed her chin gently pulling her into a kiss that he could focus on. Her lips were soft, cherry flavored chapstick apparent. The kiss was nothing but the touch of lips. Natalie was always so tender, the plus of holding a girl this beautiful. She was never harsh, very much a contrast to Mark’s more solid bones and muscles.

To melt into the kiss was simple, was familiar and he took out all over compassing emotions just allowed it to be what it was. He didn’t pull back air for a while allowing any distractions around him to walk away and when he finally gasped for air, Natalie breathless, he turned around to see his friends from the past already a ways from him.

The past was harder to avoid but for another few days into the beginning of June Mark very much tried to consume his time with his fiance. He wined and dined her, went out of a boat to tour the coast, let her pose him and take as many pictures as she wanted of the scenery and when they had sex it felt as he was washing the bitter after taste away. He was trying to become more present and it was all fine until late at night when his insomnia would drive his brain to the brink, when he would feel weight of it all. 

The moonlight that shone over the jagged grey mountains and upon the city was always a constant reminder of his mistakes in this all, the guilt for his actions and the way he dealt with his emotions pushed him intensely. To avoid is not to forget. The goosebumps that appeared on his skin were not from the chill of the night air.

The endless days of wrapping yourself in culture and scenery were easily blendable but as much as he empathized for the girl lying next to him that he was bound to by rings, he had to walk alone in the streets almost every night. His thoughts seemed to be restricted with her, afraid of them echoing too loud. If he was able to breathe in the brisk air he was able to freely think.

Mark found himself settled on a few stair steps somewhere in the town. He sat silently looking forward over towards the main church with yellow walls and a colorful tiled dome, the sea could be seen framing the sides of this church. A very old bell chimes every morning, the chime of the bell was so innocent yet so alert. Every morning he would arise hearing this bell. He would feel the reminder, the bell never let you forget it’s presence. Mulling over his thoughts he felt somewhat at peace knowing he could rely on this bell to ring, he liked the certainty. 

Gone in his thoughts again he must have not heard the footsteps that approached behind him.

“Mark Tuan!” An incredibly familiar voice laughed unbelievably behind him. Angelo “The Wolf” Ricci. The driver who was Jackson’s best friend, confidant, Mark’s as well. 

He didn’t want to turn around, he couldn’t move once again. Mark had to welcome this presence there was no way around it. Angelo was there for him, he was older, about mid forties and he had years of experience. This man was truly the number one advocate for Mark and Jackson’s relationship. He was someone for Jackson and someone for Mark to talk to without bias. The wiser perspective was always welcomed but at the same time this guy was as much as a child as they were having the spirit of a twenty year old.

“Did you really think you could hid from me in MY city” Angelo sat right next him with virtually no space. Ready to pick Mark’s brain. He looked the same, as if the city never aged.

“I’m no longer incognito am I?” Mark smiled halfheartedly at his attempt of a joke, “Did Jackson tell you?”

“You see I actually was talking with the owners at the Callina Bakery when I saw you, and someone, walking right towards Ristorante Valle dei Mulini. Then sure enough very early that morning I found Jackson at my door.” Angelo sighed taking off his hat to rub his head, his voice always gave away his emotions. He was feeling defeated for us.

“He must of told you our conversation then.” There was no use in small talk, that was not something Mark desired to have in the moment.

“You know how I feel for that boy. He’s always been a son to me, almost more of a brother by the way we act, but nonetheless I know...I know.” Angelo was somber, his sympathy was apparent. 

Angelo has always been incredibly good at English, it was a common language between all them that even with their different backgrounds they could still communicate. Back in the day Angelo had followed a girl through Europe. He was born in Italy so knew Italian the most fluently, but following her he then learned French, English, and some German. 

“I- Angelo I just...it’s not as simple as anyone thinks. There’s more to the reason I left than everyone wants to assume, than Jackson even knows. I feel so defeated. I don’t want him to… I don’t know. I just want him to be happy too.” Mark frustatively digs at the weed growing between the cracks of the stone below his foot.

“Mark I know your intentions. I’m not here to tell you off. Whatever did happen between you two, is for you two to hash out. I cared for both of you, I hope you didn’t leave him because you felt he wasn’t good enough, but I’d like to think more highly of you.” Angelo reached to grasp his shoulder lightly, even the little gesture giving him some comfort.

“It wasn’t he who wasn’t good enough.” Mark muttered lowly.

“Is that the reason you left?”

“No! That’s...there is quite a bit more than that, a lot more but it was never him that was lacking. I envisioned something very different than what came to be. I just want him to not hold such a distaste for me but I guess that’s easier said than done.” Mark held his ring finger up weakly.

“He told me you were engaged. Congratulations.” Angelo’s tone was sincere it was just slightly reminiscent. It didn’t feel as if something to celebrate.

“Thank you.” Mark lost all words he could of said.

“You see Jackson knows time has past, he knows that there wasn’t a quick turn around. I think he just feels more taken aback. With no warning you can’t blame him for feeling resentful.” Angelo’s use of hands when he talks is something Mark fixates on, he always would note at how Angelo fits into the stereotype of a loud Italian, it made this town feel even more surreal.

“I don’t blame him. I gave him no warning and I let my jealousy dictate my emotions when we had a conversation that night. I want to be able to start over at least, to be friends.” Mark truly meant it. 

He left with the intentions that Jackson would be able to find peace and love, he wrote that in the letter he left him. There had been no closure however and Mark realized he didn’t allow the correct kind. He explained himself to Jackson when they had fights that summer, but in that moment he had not known what he was going to do. But he also knew he had acted cowardly. 

“You can never start over completely, the past always factors in. However there’s room to try, to grow.” Angelo squeezes his shoulder sympathetically. Angelo has also been in this position before so he understands what it’s like to lose someone’s trust.

“What should I do? I am so lost.” Mark says pathetically he shakes his head looking down trying to ground himself once again.

“It’s not as easy to fix the grief you both feel. You need to not push him but let him be angry. Let him react in the way he needs to. If you really do want to make amends understand his point of view, empathize with him, and allow him to set boundaries. Apologize and try your best to explain calmly.” Angelo sighs heavily, he knows the weight at which this barres down on Mark, he can feel it too, even see it.

“I loved him.” Mark said so blatant it cut through the air and hung there between them. They both knew this. But the dolefulness of his words made him tremble slightly. 

“He loved you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh these poor poor boys. The chapters may start to get longer now as the set up is now in place and more of the plot is to come. This story does not have a beta so I apologize for mistakes but let me know what you think!! Please please comment and tell me what you predict, what you thought of the flashbacks, any symbolism you see. Thank you all for reading.


	5. Chapter 5

Today was the day they decided to go to Amalfi, a neighboring town. The sun shone upon only half of Positano the town yet to have awoken from the lingering night. It was incredibly quiet, early in the morning, possibly one of the most peaceful times in which life has yet to open its eyes and create chaos. The morning sun casts a pale filter over the town as the water seemed to be misty, blurring the horizon of blue sky and water. It was tranquil and slightly cold as Mark inhaled deeply the morning air a fresh bite to his lungs. 

Natalie and Mark walked down the steps with the intention to catch the earliest boat to Amalfi. Amalfi was accessible by car yet the drive was a bit twisty and long to get a cab to and neither wanted to look for a shuttle so the most simple solution was to take the boat. It did help the boat had quite a scenic view on the way. Mark wasn’t oblivious this time, he was well aware that a certain someone would spend many mornings helping down at the dock. That certain someone would usually ride the ferry back and forth on select days as he found it a calming way to clear his head and chat with his friends who worked for the ferry companies. 

The passing stone walls and ivy that grew along the stone distracted his eye but his body reacted to the anxiety itching in his brain. He was almost bound to run into him and the growing anticipation caused goosebumps to emerge about his arms and legs. Mark was tired of hiding in plain sight and if Amalfi was where they needed to travel he wouldn’t be the one to discourage that. The new photographer was currently there so Natalie had suggested lunch with him so they could lay out some shoots, and Mark seemed to be a tag along in that plan but he was not one to protest in the wake of having nothing else to do. 

When they rounded the corner up to the dock and the ocean swung back into the view he saw the copious amount of houses and steps it was as awe striking as ever. He was here, in this moment of serenity and the true beauty of nature. Not one face of the crowding families registered yet so Mark was able to just route his attention out to the distance. Natalie wandered off to purchase their tickets from the booths by the shops and Mark, quite subconsciously, wandered through the growing groups of people to an empty spot on the docking area where his feet could hang. He allowed himself to only soak in the view of the sea, he was content in the emptiness of his thoughts.

In what felt like just a few moments of just silence a hand then was on his shoulder. Suddenly there was a pit in his stomach. He did not want to immediately open his eyes afraid of who the owner could be. 

“Mark, I got the tickets.” Natalie.

It wasn’t necessarily disappointment but a feeling between that and relief as if he possibly was okay seeing the boy’s face, even if it was ridden with hatred for him. Mark opened his eyes, grey and blue flooding his sight from the sea in front of him, the smell of salt evident. He stared out at the sea only a moment longer before he got up to follow Natalie to the growing line of customers.

The line was more of just a cluster as everyone was not exactly in an organized shape. Natalie seemed to naturally be posing while they waited. She was clearly satisfied with her presentation today with her white dress that had blue details about the hems and a matching tan straw hat with a blue ribbon. She waited with her arms crossed looking about, as one does waiting to board a ferry. 

Mark had been drifting as he looked at the ribbon of her hat blowing gently when he heard her exclaim, “Oh! isn’t that our waiter from the first night?” 

Que Mark’s stomach dropping.

“Hmm?” Mark spun around to look, his senses utterly alert. 

“Over by the boat, I think he’s helping board the ferry.” Natalie gently pulled his shoulder to the left of the group of people directly in front of them so Mark could too see the tuff of brown hair he knew too well.

“Oh yeah” Mark swallowed profusely, “that’s him isn’t it.” As much as his mind wanted to deep dive into the rolling waves beneath them, he also couldn’t tear his eyes away from — him. He missed Jackson’s friendship, he missed what they use to be for each other. He didn’t want to over analyze what his life had become but he felt distant from the Mark he was with Jackson as if it was entirely different person. 

“We should say hi. What a charming guy huh? Started with a J…” Natalie waved her hands about to try to remember his name.

“Jackson.” Mark uttered lost in a trance. Jackson really does leave such an impression on anyone he meets, he woos you and leaves you longing as he goes about to divert his attention elsewhere. The ability to hold Jackson’s gaze for even a moment is only comparative to the strongest drug. He use to fight and long for his attention and never could rest when Jackson’s big brown eyes longed for him back. There was no longer a spark of desire but a burned out wick between them now.

“We should make friends, why don’t we say hi.” Natalie turned to Mark tilting her head in the way that she was asking like she didn’t want an answer.

“No Nat please-”

“Hey Jackson!” Natalie shouted out waving her hands to draw attention from the stuffy crowd of people waiting. Mark turned away, hiding into her, trying to do a magic act and disappear from the nightmare folding in front of his eyes.

He wanted no more interaction between the two, he had no idea how to go about telling or sparing Natalie of the rich history he possessed with Jackson. Instead of Jackson coming towards them he felt Natalie lurch forward and start walking to Jackson instead and Mark felt naked and mortified as he stood completely still.

He did not follow her and he did nothing but stand in the exact same space until the line began to move as the bridge between the ferry and landing dock was in place. Two people had to hold it steady as the waves gently rocked the boat back and forth and then one person, Jackson, helped customers on. Natalie was still chatting him up he just nodded discretely mostly focused on smiling and helping the guest. What an odd scene seeing a lover and a past lover interacting when one doesn’t know the other was a lover. Quite fucked was this scene.

When Mark approached them both he locked eyes with Jackson saying everything and nothing at once. It was only for a moment but he wanted to nurture that moment as long as he could. Time does not go by your standards, all he did was approach the pairing and stare absently as if he was still in a trance. 

“Hey babe.” Natalie smiled as she followed Jackson’s eyes to Mark standing there. 

“I’ll let you guys go, let me know if you want anymore recommendations I’d be glad to help, since you guys are new to the area.” Jackson didn’t break eye contact with Mark as he spoke stale, monotone. Jackson’s eyes searched Mark’s as if a question and challenge, there was something that was unreadable. Eventually Mark had to look away feeling the hole Jackson was trying to burn through him. 

In utter defeat he softly grabbed Natalie’s hand and they boarded the ferry not looking back afraid of the words he might say in response to Jackson. If he was going to pretend there was nothing ever there Mark should try to.

 

It was so numbingly beautiful, the view of Positano from the boat. When taking in the wide view from the top of the boat it was so simply picturesque it felt even more like a dream place. It was as if everything within it felt like a dream, not reality. The colors of houses tucked in the grey cliffs and lush greenery was a fairy tale, a whim of imagination, only a fantasy world could create. With the persistent winds of sitting up on the open air part of the ferry Mark felt distracted only momentarily. That was until the long brown hair whipping around into his vision reminded him of who he was and wasn’t next to.

It was too much he needed to move around, release the tension growing in his muscles.

“I’m going to go find a bathroom.” Mark mumbled not even waiting for her responses as he tumbled out of their seats and cascaded down the stairs holding tightly to the white chipped metal railing. He could vomit, or worse. It was as if everything was closing in around him but as he reached the bottom of the stairs leaning against the back railing of the boat was - Jackson chatting up an employee. 

The iron railings were thin and Jackson seemed to be laughing turning away from him, leaning against it with his arms perched on the side. Jackson was watching the way the motor kicked up the water. Mark’s eyes drifted to it too. He could feel even the slightest spray of droplets, it felt nice against his skin.

Again he could only watch, unable to approach Jackson or walk away. Not hearing anything from the cabin chatter he only looked as Jackson seemed to be explaining one of his infamous stories, hands waving about, facial features vividly animated. A reminiscent smile spread across Mark’s features, he really missed him. He really did. 

Suddenly Jackson’s smile faded as he became fixated on the water again, then as if something snapped he turned looking right at Mark. There was a sudden flicker of something behind his features, possibly a bite of his lip but Jackson turned back to engage with this person once again. Not even a moment later Mark was taking long strides before he could stop himself.

“Jackson.” Like a complete idiot with nothing to say Mark just stopped right next to him with all purpose to say something and nothing to say. Jackson’s eyes creased and he politely implied he’d catch up later with the employee. The girl looked Mark up and down and sighed as she walked away from the pair.

Neither knew what to say and the air was growing hot and thick with tension.

“Can you look at me?” Mark came off more short than he meant.

Jackson turned around from leaning on the railing his demeanor upright and blank, never had it been this hard to read Jackson.

“I hate this. I hate this Jackson.” Mark shook his head not confident with anything going into this conversation he created.

“Look. Whatever guilt you are trying to resolve Mark, I don’t care.” Jackson was not letting any guard down. They were both in such a vulnerable yet cold state it was hard for either to get an upper hand.

“I understand, I’m not trying to make myself feel better. I want us to both move on-” Mark sighed.

“I have moved on. I’m living my life perfectly fine. I don’t have any room to dwell.” Jackson shrugged looking anywhere but Mark. There was such an urge and an itch in the back of Mark’s brain that wanted to command Jackson’s attention and not let his eye line drift about. He wanted to be the one looking in Jackson’s eyes and his eyes into Mark’s. Eye contact must be something he can never not crave from Jackson.

“Why do I feel like you hold resentment?” Mark uttered subconsciously not even connecting the words rolling from his tongue.

“Are you trying to rehash something? What are you trying to do Mark?” Jackson deadpanned folding his arms defensively over his chest.

“I’m not!” Mark lost his cool for a moment and had to pace slightly to calm himself down. “I’m sorry. I take responsibility, I take blame, I take whatever hatred you want or feel for me. Resent me, do it. I deserve it.” Mark said more composed yet still feeling desperate and childish. He meant the words though. He truly meant when he said he’ll take any responsibility. 

There is a pause.

“Are you now guilt tripping me into feeling bad for you?” It was like talking to a wall, a wall Jackson created from Mark.

“No, god, no. I hope for us only to work towards something...somewhere we are at least in mutual peace.” It was desperation, he just wanted Jackson to punch a hole through his chest to out the guilt and heartbreak.

“It doesn’t bug me.” Jackson drifted into a new territory not even answering Mark’s previous statement.

“Huh?”

“You guys are cute. You and that girl, I don’t hold any of that against you. So don’t feel bad on my account, I don’t have feelings for you anymore.” Jackson shrugged very nonchalant.

Why did that hurt more than anything else. Mark nodded in confirmation. Jackson shifted real close to him looking intently, the closeness caught Mark off guard as he flinched slightly.

“If that’s what you want in life then you have all you need.” He then patted Mark on the shoulder his hand slipping away slowly, “See you around Mark.”

Jackson strides away leaving Mark to blankly stare at the trailing waves of the boat. It was not anger or hatred turning Mark’s stomach but that off feeling of anxiety and nerves even if the conversation was over. Jackson was walking further and further from Mark. It wasn’t fulfilling and felt so empty the way Jackson was presenting himself to him. It was as if he didn’t care at all. Mark knew he deserved that but it didn’t ease the fact of how much he did care for the boy.

“What do you want from me Jackson?” Was all that Mark could blurt out in a desperate call for his attention. He hated the way the sand was slipping through his fingers so fast.

Jackson paused his back turned to Mark. He turned his head slightly and considered Mark’s words heavily. A few people on the boat walked past the pair to get to their seats. Almost reluctantly he walked back to Mark. He could never get over how beautiful Jackson’s eyes were, so deep and round they held their own galaxy in the pools of their iris. It was rare how perfect his features were, an inevitably to falling for Jackson. He could always look back and remember the first time he fell for this boy, matter of fact the first time he fell for any boy, and that moment he could never go back. There are moments in time when you make decisions that are irreversible, that will alter your life forever. There were two decisions that Mark could pinpoint — when he met Jackson and when he left him.

“I don’t...I don’t know Mark. I have a life too that went on, I have a job, friends. I don’t need to revisit any feelings that have long faded.” Jackson swallowed thickly his eyes going anywhere but Mark’s, shifting around wildly. Personally space was never something Jackson took too much in account as he was practically inches from Mark’s face, it was jarring.

“I want to respect whatever you want Jackson. I just need to know if you need space or not I know this town isn’t exactly the biggest to hide in. We can do whatever you feel comfortable doing, if you want me to pretend I don’t know you-” Mark was pleading to a death choir not sure if any of this was even making sense but he soon found the firm ground he wanted to take was wavering and he was reverting to a plea.

“Why would I want that?” Jackson said coldly looking Mark directly in his eyes no longer feeling shifty himself.

“I don’t know what you want Jackson. This is all not easy for me either.” Mark was trying to be reasonable but it was all too frustrating and the constant urge to need to scream was really not helping his case.

Shaking his head Jackson just held his lips together firmly, screwing his eyes tight and taking a few seconds to run his hand through his hair, a common habitat Jackson had. He could tell this was taxing on them, on both of them. Mark was tired of causing turmoil, he didn’t make his decision to leave just because. He would never have left if he had more of a choice, if other people did not get in his head, he did it all for this boy all those years ago.

It was hard to watch Jackson pacing back and forth in front of him, not knowing the war dueling in his head. But he still looked oddly in control his face emotionless but his body tethering back and forth.

“Consider me an acquaintance.” Jackson stopped in his tracks not even looking directly at Mark.

“Huh?”

“I’ll be around. You’ll be around. No reason to hide. Just I’m not your best friend, don’t come to me with your problems. We already decided to dead the past so let’s just be people who know the others face... I’ll see you around Mark.” Jackson gave a half ass closed mouth smile and took one long look at Mark before turning away back into the seating area of the ferry. The morning sun was rising high now and the light seemed to leak into the area they both stood. The only thing reaching Mark right now was Jackson’s shadow. A shadow of the past, the Jackson he knew, the Jackson he loved.

 

They docked in Amalfi not too long after. The sun was extra sunny today, the sunlight basking over the Italian city. The waters were extra turquoise in color and the mountains towered over the more traditional city that stretched horizontally unlike Positano. All around the city was this striking mountain range which was breathtaking from the dock. The cliffs were grand and imitating, soaring over the colored buildings, wowing anyone. Only the richest and most pigmented of paints could paint this scenery.

Natalie and Mark had walked into the center of town where they planned to get dinner at a little restaurant tucked beneath this huge church, The Duomo of Amalfi. It was truly beautiful from the outside looking up. It was perched up high with a wide staircase that you had to scale to get to it, the arch ways had a striped pattern which added this unique flair and the intricacy of details at the crown of the building was impeccable. It was hard to comprehend the effort of the architecture. 

They were both waiting at a table for the photographer. Mark’s arms were crossed, his posture slouched in the little seat, his mind wondering too and fro from ideas to keep himself from bursting. He hated the anxious feeling that gripped him, he couldn’t shake it. Even after the situations that make him anxious are over he still feels his anxiety linger and hold his mood hostage causing nothing but a heavy induced silence. Natalie seemed to ignore whatever mood he was in however, much more focused on waiting and looking around anticipating this photographer.

Mark was trying his best to push aside everything and be present for Natalie but that seemed harder as his mood was incredibly dampened. Not that his and Jackson’s conversation was particularly troubling because in all honesty the conversation wasn’t the worst case scenario. Jackson didn’t tell him to fuck off which maybe Mark would have preferred as it was less ambiguous than the answer he got..

“These creative types are always late it seems.” Natalie laughed to herself reapplying the same lipstick she already applied five times. Mark just bounced his leg chewing on the inside of his cheek.

“Can you pull yourself together and stop whatever mood you are in. Make a good impression yeah?” Natalie snapped out of the blue still looking at her hand held mirror instead of Mark. That comment was not at all improving his behavior.

“What did Jackson say to you?” Mark questioned ignoring her remark.

“Are you really getting jealous or something. Seriously?” Natalie set her mirror and lipstick down a little too hard causing the table to rattle. Mark stared at her emotionless.

The fucking irony. Only if she knew.

“Just answer the question.” Mark didn’t even completely know why he was snapping at her but she had first and whenever either sparked an argument it always went downhill fast.

“We just talked about the city, and I asked if there were any good places to socialize and have some fun sooo he invited me, and you I assume, to a bonfire tomorrow. It was nothing.” Natalie tried to compose herself but her tone was coming off very agitated.

“Well you have been flirting with him it seems. Even the first night we had him as a server you were gushing and gushing about him.” Mark spit back not really knowing where he was going with this. He didn’t know who in that scenario he was actually jealous of.

“Yeah. Uh huh. You are always accusing me of cheating aren’t you? When have I had time to even cheat.” Natalie crossed her arms mimicking the way Mark sat, her glare was evident trying to burn a hole in Mark who was not flammable.

“I never even said that. We are acting like a pair of teenagers Nat. Just get ready for this dude, chat him up, I don’t care.” Mark was over the whole conversation not in any kind of mood to continue this argument.

“You’re an ass. A proper ass.” She scuffed to herself and began to scope the room out.

Natalie sat up straight then as she caught sight of what Mark could assume was the photographer. She then kicked Mark’s shin to get him to sit up. Mark glared back at her bruised, and annoyed.

“Hello!” Natalie waved dramatically to catch this dude’s attention putting her best and most charming smile that was a signature for her. She truly had such an innocence yet troubling smile which naturally made her flirty.

As much as they just argued about jealousy Mark had to dig deep and put aside his feelings of how it made him possibly insecure. No matter how much Natalie talked about and obsessed over other boys every time he tried to bring it up she would flip it and accuse of him of being ridiculous. That was something that just now came to fruition for Mark.

Suddenly she was up and hugging this dude not even opting for a proper introduction as she latched onto him tightly giggling into his shoulder. It was strangely familiar. 

“Oh! So meet my soon to be husband Mark.” Immediately the phrasing made his stomach twist for some reason but still Mark bowed slightly to him acknowledging the new presence.  
The first impression he got was the man was very tall a good six feet and he carried that signature photographer scruffy bread and longer hair that was gelled. It was almost comically but Mark in the mood that he was was trying his best to not look too deep into any of it. But then he opened his mouth.

“So this is your type Natty?” He laughed deeply his Italian accent peaking through. Natty? What in the fucking world. When did these two get that much of a lingo to begin with? How long have they been talking then? Mark just looked over to Natalie raising an eyebrow and she just shrugged. This whole situation made him want to roll his eyes so hard.

“Mark is more than suitable for me aren’t you babe?” Natalie laughed back brushing it off as a silly joke between friends. Mark still didn’t say anything waiting for this dude’s response.

“Oh he’s pretty for sure.” This guy sat down dropping his bag and smiling widely his teeth a contrast with his tanned skin.

“I didn’t catch your name.” Mark smile was force as he was trying to ignore the behavior that annoyed him.

“Enzo.” The man nodded curtly.

“Got anyone Enzo?” Mark smiled again this time with intent. He was now jealous and was not appreciating the sidelined feeling.

“No. Very much a go with the flow person. I cannot settle till I reach my dreams, you know?” He delivered only half of that sentence to Mark most of his attention on Natalie.

Natalie’s eyes seemed to flicker back and forth feeling very stuck by the slight pissing fight before her. 

“Let’s order some pizza why don’t we.” Natalie chimed in pulling up the menu to basically hide behind.

The waitress took Enzo’s drink order since the couple had already had a bottle of wine between them that had not been touched. With the way this conversation seemed to be going Mark decided it was most definitely time to pour that bottle so he reached for it to drown his thoughts with red liquid.

There was a lull in conversation after the waitress came back to the table with Enzo’s drink and soon the pizza arrived, all three beyond ready to eat. Mark had no reason to contribute or listen so he let the two talk out their plans and eventually it was just them gushing about each other's work. The pettiness in him really wanted to just take his wine and wander around the town instead of having to sit still and let Natalie chat up someone else.

At points she would try to get him to join the conversation but Mark would only say a few words, the conversation would halt and then the other two would talk about something else. It was honestly mind numbingly boring.

“Mark what is your line of work? I feel like i do not know you that well. It’s custom that I let you in on this culture!” Enzo folded his arms forwardly ready for Mark’s response to his protruding question.

“I work for my father’s business. We sell computers. I plan to take over for him as Chairman and then CEO, it’s an immense responsibility. He current holds one of the top spots in the states. I also have been here before...I spent a lot of time in Italy no need for any immersing...I know Natalie would love some more information though. It was very kind of you to want to shoot her she truly has a talent for her job.” Mark stayed the most neutral with his tone allowing no room for interpretation of his words. Really he wasn’t getting a fond first impression of this dude but all of that acquainted to nothing. He had no reason to be insecure it was simply not worth his time. 

Natalie gazed at Mark and smiled with her eyes, pleased with his compliments and thanking him for trying at least. Enzo shifted in his seat but he smiled at Mark and nodded in an impressed way. 

“Not bad, not bad at all.” Not that Enzo saying this was validation to Mark. As soon as things were more civil Enzo put his arm on the back of Natalie’s chair, that was noted, but it didn’t seem anything more than a casual gesture. It was still noted however.

After Enzo got the bill, which Mark did not like people paying for him but honestly didn’t give it a second thought, they wrapped up their things and began to walk. But as they were leaving Mark stopped and looked up to the church. It was incredibly alluring for some reason, a pull begging for him to look inside.

When Natalie noticed Mark wasn’t following she turned around slightly concerned.

“Honey?” Natalie pried walking up next to him, “What is it?” 

Mark didn’t know how to answer. Natalie then threaded her arm around his own pulling him gently. All Mark did was turn around to see Enzo waiting patiently, camera around his neck. 

“We were just going to walk around and check out the scenery. Let’s go.” She pulled again trying to get Mark out of his trance.

“You go ahead. I’m just going to check out this church.” Mark smiled to her encouraging her to go to Enzo. He honestly could use the alone time. 

She looked at him as if to ask again if he is sure and all he could do is nod and then gently took her arm from his. 

“Okay. We will meet you back here in an hour or so. Call me if you want me to come find you.” Natalie then kissed him briefly on the cheek and trotted back to Enzo with hidden enthusiasm. Maybe taking pictures really does give her a rush.

It was haunting, almost gaudy. The church was so present and placed right in the heart of the town it demanded attention. Some many people, so many families, couples seemed to gather around this church. Following in and out and sitting on the steps going up that you had to weave through them just to get to the top. 

Mark was sure that he was interested in history. He had always had a knack for the history of places, people, things. Italy was perhaps so intriguing and ethereal for most towns were full of rich history and beauty. When he came to visit last time he especially loved going to museums with statues in Rome and Florence. The churches were no farther from his interest too, he was very drawn to the deep roots they held in Italian culture.

Somehow as he climbed the stairs and passed the people all gathered together he did not feel lonely at all. He felt very calm and not longing. He followed this group inside to immediately be in a room that had a small and lush garden in the center and surrounding it was open columns yet the rest was still an enclosed room. It was tranquil. Mark suddenly felt at the utmost peace. Slowly a step at a time he began to circle this garden from the outside letting the pillars past by. 

The rest of the room had super tall ceilings and old walls that cracks spread from certain areas a common weathered look of many ancient churches. There was even bits of historical statues and objects in nooks of the walls with an inscription for each object. Mark smiled to himself feeling the most at peace he had been since he got here. Walking up to the perimeter of the garden he leaned on the half wall and closed his eyes just breathing in and feeling the relief wash over him. He let himself bask in the moment for a bit, just soaking in all the time he wanted.

He eventually drifted into the original part of the church with high ceiling, dusty white walls, high windows to illuminate the old paintings and crosses throughout. Then around the corner and down some stairs was the most breathtaking room Mark has ever stepped foot in. The whole room from the bottom of the walls, up the pillars and all over the ceiling was just completely covered in old paintings and gold trimmings. It was unlike anything he has ever laid eyes on, it was cryptic and otherworldly. Just to the point he could feel his eyes water. 

Straining his neck Mark just wandered aimlessly around looking at all of the different markings and details put into every painting. A true wonder of this world. But then, as he was entranced by the magic of this room he walked up to a statue that was surrounded by two other statues and it was of a father who wore a crown and there was a cross place delicately right in front of his feet. He felt a few people come around him to take the picture of this statue but he just stood there. Then as if out of nowhere his emotions engulfed him and Mark felt the urge to cry. His throat tightened up, his hands clammy, and his head was spinning. He didn’t know what triggered this overwhelming feeling but he felt watched, he felt so bare that as if everyone touring this church could hear his every thought. 

Overwhelmed and quite panicky he started to move away but after he climbed stairs he found himself in the main part of this whole church, the largest and most grand area. Grand marble checkered floors with the biggest archways that towered like a skyscraper up and then further to the ceiling. Everything was so engraved with tiny marble details and gold linings and mini statues with paintings it was a masterpiece in architecture just completely stunning anyone. 

He hugged his arms close to his chest, tears welling in his eyes and it hit him. It hit him like a ton of bricks that buried him deep in wreckage. He was thrown back to every feeling and wonderment he so cherish and felt so deeply. He was thrown back to Jackson. To the way he tasted, smelled, felt. And he was thinking how in this place of beauty and worship that there were certain people who didn’t accept what he felt, that thought he was damned, wrong to feel that for someone of the same sex. Mark was suddenly getting overwhelmed, panicked and hurt from it. 

Then the flashbacks wouldn’t stop. Mark had to sit down and stumbled onto the benches where people would attend mass. He sat on those benches and tried to catch his breath but it was all so much. He could see Jackson so vividly, the way his skin stretched over his muscles, those that were comparable to the finest of Roman statues. He could see the way the sweat slid down his skin so slowly as he moaned and whimpered against Mark. The way in which those plush lips would pry at Mark’s making him sink deeper and deeper, making him feel so good he shook in pleasure. The way both of their faces would contort in rapture. He was so thrown back into the way Jackson could make him feel like no other, could make him plead and beg for mercy, for salvation, for him to do the utmost dirty, filthy thing to Mark but to not feel it was filthy at all but — _liberating._

These thoughts were consuming him, and were haunting and flashing over his senses and in church of all places. In the most holy place of all was he thinking these things, oh the irony. In this holy place in which those would reprimand Mark and call him sinful, damned, ill. God it hurt, and god it felt like he was transparent. It felt like everyone could see right through him and that his dirty thoughts of this man he could not erase were being projected for all. He was physically not able to think anything else and he had to force his head up to look up to paintings on the ceilings, the angels and Mark just cried silently. He let his tears fall fast and he did not for one moment stop them. His eyes red and angry, stung. But he just gazed up and was pleading to whoever was listening. _I’m lost, I’m lost, what do I do. I’m lost._

He was crying for himself, for Jackson, for his soon to be wife, for he only knew of the unbearable burden he felt and carried. 

It had felt like an hour later, his lips were chapped, his eyes raw and ever so carefully he stood up and walked over to a corner in which a bunch of candles were lit. This part of the room was dark and taunting besides the orange glow and flickering shadows dancing. Completely drained Mark took the sleeve of his shirt and wiped his nose sniffling deeply. He then saw a little girl run over and grab a light from the pile, lighting it with another, then pulling it close to her chest and wishing as hard as she could. Then ever so graceful she placed the orange light among the others trotting back to her mom.

Mark walked over to the lot of candles grabbing one almost subconsciously. He was lost, he was in turmoil and yet the little girl made him smile slightly. It was like a flicker of a hope. He didn’t know where to go, he didn’t know who he needed to be, but Mark lit a candle. He lit a candle and wished for answers. He wished he could rewind time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for a bit of the a wait but I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I know it's not as action packed but a lot of interesting things began to develop and are important about this chapter. Ohhh the angst and slow burn. also things might be getting more mature as we keep getting deeper in the story just fyi ;). Also please please please comment I truly love every one of your comments it motivates me.


	6. Chapter 6

Opening your eyes to sun always results in blurred vision. It was nearly impossible in the morning for Mark to not wake with a hazy filter on the world and a dull headache. He wasn’t sure what that exactly meant. It was either that he possibly needed glasses or had high blood pressure but the solution was always caffeine. 

This particularly morning already was starting rough as Natalie was dressed and blowing out her hair by eight o’clock in the morning. The humming of the dryer was like a buzzing fly that would not leave Mark’s ear alone. He groaned loudly and wrapped the nearest pillow tightly around his head and ears. He was just not at all in any mood for even the slightest irritation. Whatever human interaction he would encounter today was sure to not be a pleasant one.

Could he just sleep in till ten o’clock on vacation? Was that not reasonable at least? He always seemed to be in a relationship where his partner was an early riser. Throughout high school he dated a few girls. His relationships were never too long and most of the time he would be too unbothered for them, never really good at decision making. His indifference usually was what made them frustrated and soon he realized that in a relationship if neither person is a decision maker the only agreement they could make was to end it. Natalie was plenty good at decision making so maybe that’s why it works but with each day Mark seems to be having less indifference — like waking up at eight in the morning.

The comforter was all he had to nestle into while he tried to drown out any noise coming from the bathroom because he sure as hell was not getting out of bed. This was his time to relax before he would be under an immense amount of pressure from work. Not many get the luxury of spending a whole summer relaxing before they get promoted at work, and Mark recognizes that privilege. He also by each new day is scared of what is to come, he can admit to himself he is terrified of running a company he didn’t even really choose. The fact a family business so much relies on an heir taking over is what drives Mark quite mad. There is too much pressure on him, he cannot let his family down. His siblings could have taken over as well it seems but for some reason it was Mark his dad settled on. 

He just wanted to linger in this bed for the rest of his life. Having a lack of motivation was consuming him. It was this pressure he felt that was really nagging at his brain, pressure from many areas to be exact. The feeling of the smooth sheets and mountains of pillows surrounding him was much more preferable than anything the outside world could provide.

Mark picked his head up as Natalie walked out, hair, makeup, outfit, purse all ready as if she was ready to walk out the door. Pausing in the open doorway Natalie then turned around and leaned against into it. She stood there looking dreamily about the room, the living room visible and the sun leaking onto the tiled floors. Her agenda was already planned for the day Mark could read it from her body language.

“Want to go to breakfast?” Natalie chimed her face chipper, he didn’t detect any sarcasm but he was a little taken aback by receiving no previous warning.

“Um. I just woke up really. Did we have a plan to?” Mark rubbed his eyes deeply, more aggressively than he should.

“No, I’m sorry I must have not mentioned it. I really thought I told you?” Natalie’s eyes were so intentful it confused Mark.

“Babe you have to really give me a warning. It’s also only like eight thirty or something...” Mark yawned deeply really feeling the lack of sleep his body got.

“I could bring you back something? Let’s just reschedule a breakfast date tomorrow.” Natalie picked at the ends of her hair as she shifted a bit.

Mark just groaned in reply really not feeling like getting out of bed and throwing something on. He could of for sure just gotten up but the fact Natalie didn’t ask him until she was out the door makes it seem like she’d rather have a moment alone anyways.

As he drifted back asleep Mark heard heels and then felt a soft kiss be placed on his head. Soon all he could see again was the emptiness of his dream state. 

 

It was not but an hour later he heard Natalie come back in. She shuffled about the room and neatly set Mark’s favorite, an almond croissant with black coffee, upon the coffee table of the living room. Mark had then groggily shuffled into the room to take advantage of the breakfast she provided. During the entire time he ate she just sat out on the balcony enjoying the morning sun. It was not to Mark’s concern what she was thinking but she was definitely mulling over something in that brain of hers. The thing is Mark was too.

There’s was one thing on their agenda today, go to Jackson’s bonfire. Mark wasn’t even entirely sure who’s bonfire Jackson invited Natalie too but he wanted to get drunk. Mark wanted alcohol and he was going to that bonfire to get it. It was a dangerous motivation he had conceptualized but it was from the need to put his mind at ease. To simplify it he wanted to have some fun. 

Strangely they then both spent most of the day dedicating time to personal work. Both of them taking their laptop and papers to work about their spacious hotel room never really interacting much except for the occasional peep talk and kiss. As much is this was a vacation this was also a time for them to further personal agendas that needed to be taken care of. As much as laying around was appealing, it gave them both something productive to do.

Far too soon it was dinner and they both agreed on just dining in the hotel restaurant which was of high acclaim anyways. The restaurant had big vast signature windows that framed the whole room, brilliant ivy climbing and spreading about the whole expanse of the walls. It was easily something Mark could gaze at. He could also feel Natalie’s gaze on him as she spurred up various conversational topics. Mark would respond but he was far too focused on pushing away the worrisome thoughts bouncing around in his head. Their food arrived not too long after. Being eager for food Mark took the biggest possible bite out of the steaming ravioli placed in front of him.

“How would you feel about children?”

Mark had never choked so hard in his life. Once he started he couldn’t stop, the entire restaurant may as well have been looking at them. He could feel the tears gathering in his eyes and his heart racing. _What the fuck? Why! Why!_

“Natalie we aren’t even married” he coughed roughly again, “I mean Christ why do you say?” He really shouldn’t be freaking out about this so much but the sheer thought of any mini Mark and Natalie running about sent him into a spiral.

“Calm down. I’m sorry I brought it up. You know talking about the future isn’t a bad thing.” Natalie crosses her arms defensively and pushed water across the table in an attempt to help Mark with his coughing fit.

Mark couldn’t even talk about the past.

“Eventually. Yeah. Far down the line though far from right now. I’d say a good five years at least.” Mark was rambling, panicked and trying his best to rationalize the sudden fear of having children. 

“I mean we could just not use contraception and see what happens too. I don’t think we have to plan it out so intensely. Not even now just in awhile we could-“ there was a hint of irritation in her tone. 

“With our careers and stuff wouldn’t that be a little bit of wrench?” Mark couldn’t think straight he genuinely thinks his brain is turning to mush.

“I guess...I just- I wish you wouldn’t act so appalled at the idea.” She whispered folding the napkin repeatedly in her lap. God Mark was making this whole thing worse.

“I’m sorry. I just wasn’t prepared for that question. It’s-“ Mark finally was composed, his coughing gone but the beating of his heart not.

“It’s not you it’s me.” She mocked not wanting to hear that.

“It’s just that I’m not ready.” Mark stated not planning to use the oldest excuse in the book.

“Let’s drop it. I don’t want to be fighting over kids and get into the restlessness of this whole ordeal. Let’s just have fun tonight.” Natalie smiled in a way that was hard to tell if it was genuine or forced but Mark believed her words on wanting to enjoy the night. 

In attempt to ease the air he reached across the table and took her small hands into his, running his fingers gently over her knuckles.

“Hey. We always end up getting through bumps in the road right?” Mark searched for her eyes which she granted after relaxing from his touch.

She considered his words heavily taking a moment to just look at him. He held her gaze.

“We do don’t we.” Her smile was vulnerable and he just nodded reminiscently scared to let her hand go.

 

Walking down to the beach for the bonfire Mark almost ran back home more than one time. He had the urge to just say fuck everything why would I subject myself for an onslaught of questions. However that would get no one anywhere. He was bound to see many people he knew at this bonfire if any of them were Jackson’s friends. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see these people but the circumstances were not ideal and he could only hope they would be merciful. 

Also Natalie was subject to questions from his old friends and there were certain paths he did not want exposed. He would tell her — eventually. He had to tell her, it was just that he had to on his own terms. The subject was delicate and something even he himself did not solely understand yet. He understands his and Jackson’s past of course but there is a part of him that is yearning for some reconciliation before he explains it all to his fiance. Right now however the only reconciliation he wants is with Italian liquor.

It was late in the night so not many people resided on the beach and the bonfires always took place on the second beach off of the main tourist path on the cliff along the cliff. Not the little hidden beach Mark quite liked to go to but the second biggest one in town. Natalie had brought some limoncello as a thank you gift even though Mark protested it wasn’t a fancy diner party. Still she found it would be polite and he gave up on the argument. 

The meandering path it took to get there felt even longer in the moonlight, not much light to guide them. It was eerie and dim as no one really took this path beyond sunset. The stillness and blue tinted dark was all that surrounded them. It felt as if they were being followed in a horror movie. Maybe paranoia was just a new personality trait for Mark. He also in the same breath was trying to figure out how he was going to lug himself all the way back down this path when he was heavily intoxicating. It would be a game of don’t fall off the side into the unforgiving sea below. He use to play that all those years ago. Jackson use to say “Don’t

 

_fall off, I’ll miss you too much.”_

_Mark held Jackson tightly as the boy giggled into his side. When they started drinking with their friends Mark didn’t envision his night ending with Jackson so drunk Mark had to drag his ass back. He was very concerned with how the boy was barely making sense and was always on the verge of laughter or tears. Even Mark himself was pretty intoxicated but by the way Jackson had nuzzled into his neck and whispered very concerning things in his ear had sobered Mark immediately._

_Over the last month that Mark had been in Italy he soon found himself caring very deeply for the boy. Never had friendships been so intense for him. Maybe it was because he was use to the simple convenience of having friendships back home. It wasn’t that your friends didn’t care about you but more of you hung out with them to have something to do. There was this ever persistent craving to be around Jackson and to have him want to be around you. He was so magnetic in any room that more times than not he would find himself next to the Hong Kong native, just to be able to listen or watch intently on whatever the boy did. It was an odd feeling. And even when Mark wasn’t looking he wanted Jackson to be watching him — and Jackson did. To feel the boys eyes on him put Mark on this high, a high he did not understand what so ever._

_In groups of people they would drift apart but always back together, never being able to resist the magnetic pull they both possessed. Mark never wanted something so much as he wanted Jackson’s friendship. It was the ultimate desire of validation from someone. God this boy made him laugh and he made him comfortable immediately in place so foreign. His behavior was sporadic yet purposeful, a whole enigma Jackson was. He was oblivious in a cute way but also objectively speaking to any girl he was very attractive and manly. It was such a paradox Mark could never coherently figure out._

_Mark wasn’t sure how their night got out of control so fast but Jackson was not making any sense causing Mark to increasingly get more worried. The beginning of the night was fine and both had been chatting with different people for most of it, every once and while checking to see where the other was. But as Mark was chatting with this girl he had looked over to see Jackson sucking face with their friend Naomi. It was weird, the pang he felt in his stomach but he brushed it off as initial shock. He tried to get back to conversing with the girl in front of him but he couldn’t ignore how off he was feeling._

_Briefly Jackson had encouraged Mark to pursue Naomi because she was Jackson’s friend and ex, the last part Jackson assured was the past. She was sharp and very pretty, someone who could coax anything out of you. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy having a thing with her but he soon just dwindled away from the idea of being attached to someone during this vacation. She understood and it was never weird as they remained friends._

_But why did he feel something akin to jealousy watching her and Jackson make out. Was it that he still had lingering feelings for her or...he was not even going to let himself finish the thought. Jackson was grown he could make his own decisions and it wasn’t like Jackson falsely lead Mark to her, this wasn’t a high school drama. He could be mature and let his friend do as he pleases. But that didn’t stop the lingering looks he kept shooting his way._

_The girl he was talking to was no longer of any interest. She had moved on too the conversation coming to a halt. He then lost Jackson in the crowd slightly concerned as Naomi was drinking a beer with a different group of people now. He felt nervous and as if he should find the man, alcohol making the paranoia surge in his veins._

_“Hey Naomi. Where’s Jackson?” He stumbled over to her trying to keep his nerves down and speak as casual as possible._

_“The fucker is almost blacked out.” She wiped her lips laughing to herself, “I think he stumbled towards the ocean, was dragged back then he threw some beer bottles at some rocks, realized that was wrong, tried to pick the glass up but just cut his finger deeply and now...I’m not actually sure.”_

_That whole explanation was nothing but concerning as Mark just tripped backwards, hearing Naomi call his name but his sole concern was Jackson._

_Mark suddenly slammed open the door to the apartment he was renting for the summer. It was up on the right side of the town by the shops and next to the Le Sirenuse. This apartment had one of the most breathtaking views of the famous hill and was an open two story lay out with a staircase that lead to two little room, just archways with curtains instead of doors and then a bathroom that had a few stairs to get up into._

_Mark dragged himself and Jackson up the stairs onto the landing balcony area and then into the old classic blue tiled bathroom. There was open windows in the bathroom, a hexagon shaped window that gave you a peak of the colorful hill of homes. As soon as the two stumbled in, they immediately hit the cold tiles sighing in relief from the humid summer air._

_Jackson was quite unresponsively only grunting vaguely in response and his eyes fluttering shut every few seconds. He gripped Mark’s shoulder tightly the only use of communication he had. Mark’s concern for the boy was rising by the second._

_With the concern of the gushing cut in Jackson’s hand from the glass he tried to pick up, Mark ran over to the sink and wet the nearest wash cloth. However when he turned around he looked down to see Jackson lying completely limp on the floor, red blood oozing from his hand. Sudden panic arising, Mark ran over to kneel on the floor and pull Jackson in his lap._

_“Jack! Jackson. Hey, yes hi. Can you respond?” Mark tried to grab his face in his hands to get the younger to look him in the eyes. But the other just grabbed onto Mark weakly not really responding at all. In a hurried manner Mark then dragged Jackson towards the hexagon window where the open shower was._

_“Jackson please!” Mark desperately called at him smoothing over his hair and trying to get the boy to say anything, to respond in some kind of way but at this point it seemed he had basically passed out. He was going to be okay, but why did it feel like his world was sinking so much seeing the boy in some kind of turmoil. Why was it that he had to drink so much it made him drift away. Jackson had never gotten this out of hand before._

_He pushed the boy to sit right below the shower and instinctively Jackson curled up against the tiled wall moaning sickly. Anxiety eating at Mark he acted quickly turning the shower on cold and letting the water drench the younger. The sudden rain of icy water caused a shocking gasp to abrupt from the boys lips._

_“Jesus.” Jackson was suddenly wide awake as the cold water hit him mercilessly, “God...fuck.” Jackson opened his mouth wide in shock and rubbed his eyes to get rid of the water running down his face and collecting at his chin. His brown hair matted tightly to his scalp from the downpour._

_Mark was breathlessly as he didn’t even mind the water and scrambled to cup the boys cheeks and kneel down to him._

_“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You were unresponsive I-I didn’t know what else to do.” Mark could only continuously mumble into Jackson’s hair as he gripped onto him emotionally driven by the situation._

_Jackson just shivered under him, twitching slightly. The water really was freezing causing them both to shake slightly and now Mark was drenched as well. Ignoring that aspect completely he pulled back from embracing Jackson’s head to take his cheeks in his hands and look him dead in the eyes._

_“Why? Why did that go so downhill hmm? Why did you go throwing things and walking drunkenly into the sea? That is really not okay and you could have got hurt you bastard.” Mark mumbled the water droplets collecting heavily on his eyelashes. Jackson just kind of furrowed his eyebrows trying to recall any of it his eyes still slightly dazed. Mark knew he was talking to a very drunk person but it didn’t lesson the overcoming emotions flooding his mind._

_But suddenly Jackson’s attention locked onto Mark’s eyes and the directness of his gaze caught Mark off guard. He inhaled sharply as if he hadn’t held Jackson’s gaze before. This particular look electrified him, the way Jackson’s eyes sparkled, the only light besides the twinkle in this boy’s eyes was the back light of the city. Jackson’s eyes were glistening and they seemed so incredibly big, so longing. Suddenly Mark become increasingly more aware of how he was holding this boy so tenderly in his hands. Mark was bewildered at what he was experiencing, the heat all over his body contrasting the freezing water biting at his skin. He never felt this way. He never felt this way, about frankly anyone. What had Jackson done? This boy. He never even considered a boy before, not ever. Mark’s eyes started to tear up hiding in plain sight, the water water mixing with his tears._

_“M’sorry Mark. Don’t be mad at me. Are you mad? I knew I’d disappoint you. You should…you should...” Jackson slowly dropped his sentence off and then refocused this time his gaze dropped from Mark’s eyes to his lips. The older shivered for more reason than one._

_“Idiot.” Mark muttered not sure if he was talking to Jackson or himself at this point. Then Jackson’s hand lurched forward and his thumb came right in contact with Mark’s lips causing Mark to jerk in surprise. It was through that sudden action it was brought to Mark’s attention how close they really were. The only sound was the patter of the water against the tile._

_The bewilderment had not left Mark as his heart hammered relentlessly against his chest. Jackson’s thumb just rested there heavy and present against Mark’s bottom lip and then ever so slightly he applied more pressure. The younger boy, still pressing firmly, dragged Mark’s lip down till his he released it and it bounced back into place. The tension so thick the water felt warm. Jackson then dragged his thumb down Mark’s chin to his throat tracing his adams apple delicately. Mark swallowed thickly, not being able to control his body as he shivered and gasped again. Pausing suddenly Jackson just held his thumb firmly against the base of Mark’s throat and hazily the younger just looked disconcertingly at the ground._

What just fucking happened? _Mark thought to himself breathing way too heavy. He was very aware of how quick his chest was rising and falling. Friends didn’t do that. He knew they were both drunk but god what elicited such a response. Why did Mark feel he was on a cliff deep diving towards rocky waters._

_“Jackson?” Was all mark could pathetically stutter in return. They hovered in that moment, neither making a move to continue or stop. It was as if someone pressed the pause button._

_“You came into my life to turn it upside down Mark Tuan.” Jackson not realizing he still was touching Mark’s throat pulled his hand back and slumped against the wall nearest to the shower nozzle. Mark was dumbfounded and frozen, more confused than he had ever been. Subconsciously, still in a daze himself, Jackson reached up to the best of his abilities so he could stop the water from running._

_Mark looked over to Jackson his eyes watering. What was it that made the room feel so enclosed and the only clarity was the drunken boy biting his lip in front of him. Mark soon found that nothing in the world ever made sense. You don’t chose, you never do. And he was fated for this long before he realized he was. Maybe after they were both sobered up they would forget what was coming to fruition. The universe, however, was not that kind._

_Knowing not anything but his new unsettling realization, Mark moved over so he was sitting shoulder to shoulder with Jackson. They both mutually just sat there, clothes drenched, the city of Positano peering onto them from the window, and a thick meddling air between them._

_“Don’t leave me tonight.”_

_“Never.”_

 

As they descended the last few stone steps onto the beach both Natalie and Mark walked hesitantly, hand in hand, to the group of people in front of them. Everyone was already laughing and talking loudly in groups around a growing fire. The sand was now cold to touch, moonlight changing the temperature so the only bright glow was from the flame of the fire. Mark couldn’t deny the incredible nervous pit in his stomach as he politely put on a smile going up to greet whoever he saw first.

Parties always were awkward when neither person was particularly comfortable with everyone there. As much as Mark use to know these people, they now were all strangers. His strategy was to find the first familiar face and hope they wouldn’t spit at him and kick his balls. Natalie smiled widely at the music obviously ready to dance. She was the dancer of the two, Mark was too after a few drinks.

They approached the crowd hesitantly smiling kindly at everyone and most people Mark did not quite recognized yet, out of courtesy, they just smiled and nodded in acknowledgement of the couple. Most of them were dancing shadows around the fire, already drunk and laughing loudly. Mark just smiled back at Natalie behind him as he weaved them in and out of the crowd in search of a friendly face. _Oh wait, is that Angelo? Fedora? Yeah it’s him._

“Angelo!” Mark called out genuinely ecstatic to see the man. Angelo then twisted around and clapped his hands together, striding over to Mark.

“My man! You came? I mean I’m glad you did! Wow, is this the wife to be?” Angelo suddenly noticed Natalie hugging closely to Mark’s side. Then out of over dramatic courtesy Angelo took his hat off and bowed deeply to her, “M’lady.”

“Pleasure to meet you man that seems to know Mark.” She laughed and curtseyed with the sundress she was wearing. 

“Oh Mark did not mention me? I should be offended but m’not surprised.” Angelo chuckled and jokingly put Mark in a brief headlock, ruffling his hair.

Natalie looked to Mark and he waved it off as if to say we’ll discuss it later. She just raised her eyebrows and turned back to Angelo to smile.

“Where are the drinks?” Mark replied bluntly, very set in his intentions for this night.

“Never one for small talk are ya Mark? I’m sure there is alcohol around. Some towards that makeshift table over there.” Angelo kind of analyzed Mark looking for possibility something wrong in his body language but Mark decided he did not feel like talking to his self proclaimed therapist. Half committedly he mumbled something before leaving to get a drink knowing Natalie would be safe with Angelo.

It was never right to use alcohol to solve your problems and Mark knew that, knew the effects of that. However, he was looking for something to occupy his thoughts and having fun at a party could do that, as much as that was contradiction to his stance on the issue. He was ignoring every alarm going off in his mind. 

It did not take long before the alcohol was highlighted right in front of his face for grabs. Many drunk people gathered around the table, laughing about what not, clearly not caring about Mark grabbing more than he should. He didn’t even look to see their faces, only dim figures in the fire illuminated dark. 

“Mark?” Someone called to him, a female voice. Please, god no. His flight or fight sense was activated. 

“It’s Naomi! Mark Tuan? Right before my eyes? This party? What in the goddamn world.” Naomi was the last person he anticipated, but should of expected her. She grew up and lived here her whole life. She then muttered something in Italian to the friends surrounding her and Mark took that as an opportunity to pop open a beer and down it. “Slow your role. Oh my god man! Hug me, talk to me.” 

Mark knew it was not a viable choice to just completely block her out so he went in for a quick hug in which, he tried to release but she clung on tight. Mark had to pry her arms off him.

“Sorry! Just trying to make sure you are real!” She laughed disbelief evident in her tone. She was still as gorgeous as the day Mark saw her. A real classic beauty. The way in which she always felt totally herself with anybody was something Mark could always admire about the woman, she was beyond confident in who she is. 

“I’m here!” Mark cringed at his own words, tense and really not in any mood to continue small talk.

“Dude why? It’s been like...a minute.” Natalie threw a punch at his shoulder playfully as if to emphasize his absence. Mark took another long sip of his beer, nodding. Natalie looked him over, her eyes dancing to every part as him as if to analyze who he now is.

“Yeah. Yeah it has. I’m on vacation with my girlfriend, well, fiance.” He flashed his ring finger noncommittally then took a longer drink of beer.

“Shit. Congrats, really.” Natalie’s tone had a hint of sadness which caused Mark’s stomach to drop. He suddenly felt ill, like he himself was disappointed. He also knew she was not sad for herself by any means, which made Mark’s stomach drop even lower.

“Do you have anything stronger?” Mark pointed at his beer bouncing his leg nervously. His anxiety was itching at him suddenly. He needed to swallow more liquor before his throat became too tight to swallow anything.

Natalie nodded almost nervously and then dug out some tequila to pour Mark a cup.

 

It was about five shots and three beers later that Mark found himself sitting in the sand, Natalie in his lap, and them both laughing with strangers Mark didn’t know the names off. He was definitely wasted by now, his vision blurry and his mind as well.

The night was a blur already as he was not even sure at this point who he had talked to and what anyone had said to him. Mark felt warm with Natalie in his lap and he snuggled into her, moving her hair out the way so he could he could place a sloppy kiss to the back of her neck. She leaned back into his touch and hummed still clutching the bottle of limoncello that she had yet to give to Jackson. Mark’s eyes fixed on the limoncello, suddenly the frosted yellow bottle was all he could fixate on. He wasn’t quite sure if it was the sudden thought of Jackson or the alcohol but he felt sick to his stomach.

“Mmm.” Mark giggled to himself shutting his eyes and lying back in the sand, Natalie still on his lap. He was starting to get dizzy even from the darkness behind his eyelids. “I think anxiety and alcohol is the worst combination to ever ever exist hmm?” Mark hiccuped drunkenly.

“What was that?” Natalie looked back slightly concerned but also tipsy herself her body swaying slightly, “I like Angelo Maaark. He’s funny…funny funny man. I wanna talk more with him he told me the secret to you. He saaaid, um, your secrets are always on the bottom of your foot... I don’t know what the hell that means but” She then proceeded to spit while she laughed and laughed and laughed. Mark was not as amused.

Mark however did know what that meant. Suddenly the anxiety that was brewing was back. He didn’t have any more alcohol to down and his judgement was so cloudy. He sat up abruptly causing the starry sky to blur and whirl around him. He was suddenly super woozy.

“Get Angelo please.” Mark then felt his throat tighten again and suddenly all he could think was the way his throat was closing and tightening. His chest felt heavy and his mind blurred. He could feel his anxiety building. Mark tried to anchor himself, digging his hands deeply in the sand but the tiny grains just slipped from his fingers.

“Mark...are you okay?” Natalie quirked her head to the side.

“Please! Just get him.” Mark shouted, a headache was now forming, he groaned loudly and threaded his fingers tightly in his hair. Natalie looked at him kind of shocked and then scrambled backwards to go search for Angelo.

_Why now? Why here?_ This all was too much. He needed just to make it all stop. Who could he plead to just for some kind of relief. It felt like ages since Natalie had went to search for Angelo. Mark closed his eyes tightly and started to wander away. He didn’t know where he was going. _Just breathe._

Mark stumbled around, lost. He closed his eyes and pulled at his hair trying to get the panic to leave him, to give him mercy, the let his poor worn out heart just have a break. He was having trouble catching his breath.

Suddenly he felt a pair of strong hands grabbed onto him tightly. 

“Mark?” Jackson’s voice asked concerned.

Great. Perfect. Exactly what he needed. He started to defensively walk backwards trying to pry himself out Jackson’s arms but that only caused more of a scene.

“Hey. Listen. Let’s just get some air.”

Mark did not want any of this. There was no way this could be good and he was absolutely not being comforted by someone he deserves no sympathy from. He opened his eyes and shook his head violently looking to the boy that was pulling him away from the bonfire and towards the steps.

“Jackson. No I’m sorry please just go back to friends. This isn’t fair to you.” Mark pleaded his voice broken. Even in the midst of his panic he tried to rationalize the situation.

Jackson remained firm in his grip and didn’t look back. Mark’s vision was very blurred and he couldn’t make out the boy’s facial expression and suddenly he realized where the two were going. They were going to the smaller twin beach where Mark use to go to think.

Stumbling into the space of the beach. It was completely still, rid of any other distractions besides the crashing of the waves and the past of two lovers. The rocks felt jagged below Mark’s feet causing the boy to realize he didn’t even know where his shows went. Jackson sat Mark by a nearby rock and knelt before the boy. Mark started shaking his head again, tears welling pathetically in his eyes. He was trying to push Jackson to go somewhere else, anywhere else.

“Hey. It’s okay Mark.” Mark tried to stand up and leave but Jackson gently encouraged him to sit back down. “Mark. Please breathe. Please take some deep breaths.” Jackson just said steadily his voice something solid in the panicked state Mark was in. 

Mark suspiciously followed Jackson’s instructions. Clearing his head so the only thing he thought of was the way his body took in air and released it. His breathes were shaky but were steadily getting better. _Just focus Mark._

“That’s it. You are okay Mark. Nothing is going to happen. It’ll be okay. I’m not going anywhere till you are okay.” Jackson reassured him, crouching in front of Mark but not overstepping any boundaries. 

The low gravelly voice was all Mark focused on instead of the situation, just the voice. They both just sat in silence for a long time. Neither doing anything but just acknowledging the other was there. Mark focused slowly on nothing but the sound of the waves in the background and the shoes of the man in front of him. It had to be five minutes before either one spoke.

“Thank you.” Mark’s voice was rough and raw, he felt tired and emotionless. He was still tipsy but the panic had taken over as the primary feeling and only just faded.

“No problem.” Jackson nodded, neither boy looked directly at each other.

“You don’t deserve this. I’m putting you through so much just by being here.” Mark tried to hold his tears back, picking harshly at the hangnail on his thumb trying to focus more on the pain.

Jackson didn’t respond just stayed still taking in Mark’s every word.

“You wanted space and then I had to go ruin it. I should learn how to control myself.” Mark broke skin from picking at the hangnail, it was now an angry red.

“Don’t say that. I chose to help you Mark. You didn’t make me do anything.” Jackson then shuffled so he sat right next Mark on the rock, forcing Mark to now make eye contact with him. When Mark met his eyes he was met with knitted eyebrows, concern. Mark could never deny how beautiful Jackson’s eyes were, how beautiful all of him was. Mark really use to be a sucker for this boy, he smiled weakly.

“You could have left me. It’s okay.” Mark sighed, defeated.

“You looked in distress, lost. I...I couldn’t just leave you there.” Jackson sounded distant even though he was looking at Mark. Maybe Jackson didn’t hate him. But Mark was not making any of this easy on the Hong Kong boy.

After all that has happened, all the emotions that have resurface, all the emotions that had soured, he could readily admit he missed this boy. He wanted to just lean his head on Jackson’s shoulder. He wanted something as simple as a friendly touch, anything would do. And as much as he missed the boy he felt deeply the heartache they both never let go. How could he expect Jackson to forgive him if he couldn’t forgive himself.

“Guess it was just you returning the favor for when I use to drag your drunk ass up all those stairs.” Mark made a sad attempt at a joke smiling to himself and looking back to his feet.

He then heard Jackson laugh. A short but pleasant laugh. Was it Christmas? Of all the emptiness and solitude he had felt on this trip that laugh was like finding the holy grail, a laugh that could mend the deepest cut. Mark snapped his head up to catch the reminiscent smile on Jackson’s lips. He let himself save this memory, remember the way Jackson looks when he laughs. When Jackson smiled his whole face lit up and spread pleasantly. It felt so warm, so like home.

“That one time you gave me an ice bath in return.” Jackson said in a teasing tone nudging Mark’s shoulder lightly.

“Hey now. I was worried about you! You should thank me Wang.” Mark gave him a teasingly look, just the little interaction was improving his mood. 

Both of them just smiled nostalgically, enjoying the comfortable silence. Even though they were a world away, to be able to talk to each other in a normal way was...nice. 

Mark then realized something vital. Mark might have left Positano but his heart never left Jackson Wang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one actually turned out a bit longer! I hope you all enjoyed. Thank you for all your great comments on my last post it really helps motivate me, truly. I really enjoyed writing a lot of the chapter particularly the flashback. And look! Progress for markson! Rare in this incredibly angsty story. As always I would love to hear your thoughts!


	7. Chapter 7

Mark had virtually nothing to do today. Natalie had her first photo shoot with Enzo who was, to put it subtly, completely intolerable. Mark however was glad for the alone time since he had spent almost every waking minute with Natalie. Alone time also seemed to draw him to churches as he sat right outside the Church of Santa Maria Assunta which was right in the heart of Positano. He did not go in for the last time he stepped into that church it was nothing short of traumatic. The incandescent memories were something that sent him cringing inwardly, it hurt to look at. 

He had no real sense of how he was able to sit on a ledge directly across from the looming entrance and be okay. Yet here he was, waiting for something else, besides the disturbing thoughts trying to surface. He assumed it was mostly due to his brain protecting him that he was able to muffle the memories and focus on the faces pouring out of the sturdy doorway. He was looking for Angelo. 

The clue in which Angelo gave to Natalie was impertinent to Mark’s health, there was no denying that from the reaction Mark had. However oddly enough there was something triggered in Mark from Angelo’s words. The past could no longer be outrun. This determination sparked in Mark gave him the courage to face it all head on. It became an obsession to him. It was all he could think about, fill his time with. It was a done deal in his mind. He was going to talk to Angelo and sort things out. And Mark knew the perfect place to intercept Angelo, right after his Sunday Church. 

The loud chime of the church bells signaled the end of mass as the rumple of voices poured out of the delicately adorned church. There were so many faces passing Mark that they started to blend together, no one looked very distinct passing by. He hoped to spot the native Italian easily as he was quite tall, towering over the inherited shortness he, and well Jackson too, possessed. 

Then as Mark began to zone out focusing on his newfound tiredness from not sleeping at all last night he spotted “The Wolf’ Angelo himself. Mark positioned himself in an obvious spot so there was no need to make any grand gesture knowing Angelo would see him and stride right over. And he did. 

“Figured you’d come find me sooner or later Tuan.” Angelo smiled a little smugly, not even slightly surprised Mark sought him out. The older had no hat on, his slight curls slightly wild covering over most of the growing bald spot at the crown of his head. His beard was scruffy and helped to make him look a good ten years younger. 

“I figured there was no use in hiding from my problems, my past. Somewhere in me I care.” Mark shifted uncomfortably, looking around to the other families dispersing from the square they stood in. 

“Somewhere in ya huh?” Angelo’s scoffed raising his eyebrows in offense. 

“I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just...I’m trying to uncover the past, I cannot go back but to move forward I need to remember. Memory isn’t always reliable.” Mark was desperately trying to formulate sentences that would get his point across. The neutral tone he spoke with was giving no conviction to his words. 

“I actually do understand your riddles, well for the most part. You could use some reminders of the past right?” Angelo’s accent came out as he sat on the ledge next to Mark trying to ease some tension and coax Mark into relaxing. 

The morning air was surprisingly a little brisk. Mark had to instinctively hold his arms close to his chest in attempt to warm himself, he was figuratively keeping his guard up. 

“Why did you say that to my fiance?..Don’t bullshit me either.” Mark had to plant his foot down if he ever was going to get anywhere with this conversation. 

“You avoid your problems. I gave you a push.” Angelo shrugged grabbing for a case in his pocket to take out a cigarette and tap it against the reflective metal. 

“Yeah and you shoved me right into panic you ass.” Mark quipped back defensively. Angelo took a beat to light his cigarette thinking as he took a long drag. 

“I’m sorry about that,” Then Angelo pointed his finger, cigarette burning between it, right at the center of Mark’s forehead. “But I do not regret that it made the wheels in your head start turning.” 

Mark did not know how to react to that but he found himself reverting from his once confident state. He was not sure what to feel, all he knew is he was not going to shy away from anyone anymore. Of course he could have been and should of been more angry at Angelo for saying that but he could not bring himself to argue any point. Also Mark knew Angelo would not do anything to purposely spite him. 

“Does she know about…” Angelo said in his scruffy voice, not holding back from being blunt. There was a bit of silence then hanging between the pair. 

“You know that- that is...personal.” Mark stuttered not at all ready or wanting to discuss that. He needed to figure himself out before he could spill his guts about Jackson to his current lover. 

“She should know. Mark-” Angelo shook his head taking liberty to answer his own damn question. 

“Don’t patronize me. I have to mend other relationships before that. I will tell her, when the time is right.” Mark was convincing himself most of all. The way this conversation was going was aggravating and increasing Mark’s blood pressure. He had an urge to walk away and leave the conversation, the friendships, the town all together. But taking a deep breath he bowed his head and hoped that any invading thoughts would fall from it. 

“You deserve peace in mind Mark. I know...I know you might think I’m biased given my friendship with — him but I want you to be happy too. I think part of you allowed yourself to come back here for one reason or another. It was no coincidence you chose to vacation here Tuan.” Angelo took another drag and then grasped the crook of Mark’s shoulder and neck rubbing it comfortingly. “Lord have you struck an artery in this town, not once but twice.” 

Mark let the words settle. He was incredibly thankful for this man’s presence. Angelo was giving Mark room to make the final choice as much as he was pushing him. He was trying to evoke something, something Mark buried in himself and Mark did not protest his intrusions. If Mark had struck an artery then he knew who the heart was. He knew who he had to talk to. 

“I don’t have anything to do tonight.” Mark stared absentmindedly at a ginger stray cat wondering about the gathering groups of people. He too was wandering, he was looking for something that was possibly lost forever, his past emotions. 

“Meet at Franco’s Bar at eight, I’ll bring Jackson.” 

_It was all so exciting, so new, every single day. Mark found himself day after day laughing drunk off of whatever wine Jackson took from the cellar of his restaurant and piling into the back of their friend Angelo’s car. Usually they would have a few other people accompanying them filling every inch and resulting in someone having to sit on someone’s lap. Usually one of the girls Jackson was pursuing would take the liberty of the younger boy’s lap. It was stranger how Mark’s eyes would linger on the two for a bit too long._

_Today however it was just the two of them, Mark and Jackson, and Angelo of course. From the obscene amount of humorous comments Jackson could conjure up to the wittiness Angelo possessed, it all just felt so right to be with the two of them. It was comfortable, natural. He felt like himself around them, he felt like he could exhale and not have to explain himself ever. They all planned to go out to a nightclub or to a bar but Angelo is getting mixed signals from a drunk Jackson. It was like any other night but something else was lingering in the air, something akin to tension. It was not negative or even unwelcomed but it was this anticipation of nothing in particular between him and Jackson._

_The leather clad seats rubbed against Mark’s skin as he laid down across the entirety of the back seat of the SUV. He was feeling dizzy on wine, his cheeks incredibly flushed. Laughing to himself Mark placed his palms over his eyes and rubbed deeply hoping to see stars behind his lids when he suddenly felt a hand wrap around his wrist._

_“No sleeping! Night is young and we are getting older, up up up!” Jackson giggled dragging Mark to sit up so he could plop himself next to the boy. The way Jackson’s thigh brushed against Mark’s own made him involuntary shiver._

_“We are not getting old Jackson, I’m still young! We are barely out of our teens!” Mark exclaimed raising his brows at a mischievously smiling Jackson. The other looked ready to coo at the boy._

_“You are a whole ass year from me. I should be the one worried about hanging with a geezer.” Jackson did coo at Mark leaning right into his personal space. The apprehension of the limited space caused Mark to playful shove the boy. This only started a play fight of strength as the two laced their fingers together and pushed to see who was stronger._

_“Hey! I’m about twice both of your ages can we keep down the old talk!” Angelo called back to the drunk boys wrestling in the back seat._

_Neither of them responded to occupied with trying to win this test of strength. Finally Mark’s arm slipped to the sheer muscle Jackson seemed to pack on naturally, damn this workout junkie. As his arm slipped Jackson threw his fist in the air in victory yelling something unintelligible._

_“Drinks on Mark!” Jackson shouted positioning himself even closer to Mark than previously arranged. Everything felt warm to Mark from his blood to the car temperature to Jackson’s smile... He was content._

_“Round two when we get out.” Mark laughed at the younger kicking at his leg playfully as he leaned his back against the window instead of the seat so his feet could drape over Jackson’s lap. Jackson kinda just rested his arms naturally on Mark’s legs smiling reminiscently at Mark. The kind of smile that made anyone on the receiving end falter._

_“As many rounds as you want Yi En.” Jackson replied softly, looking forward again as they both rocked gently with the car. Mark took time to just examine the other’s profile in the shadows of the car, only street lights reflecting dully from the windows. The arch of Jackson’s nose was very pleasant Mark decided. He was sure any girl loved that smooth dip that was of a marble statue, one of taste of valor._

_Ever since that night between Jackson and Mark in his bathroom there was something unspoken between the too. It terrified Mark for he had no idea what to do with that information. The fact that Jackson had come so close to him only to grab his lip and mumble dangerous things it was all Mark could fixate on. Especially the younger’s lips. Call it a serious oral fixation or complete crisis but the way his lips were always a bitten pink cherry color fascinated Mark. They way they parted so gently the skin of the pair unsticking languidly, the plumpness not over barring but enough to urge the recipient to act on impulse. When did Mark ever come close to thinking this intensely about another boy’s lips. It was not out of jealous but lure of something he couldn’t place._

_“Let’s just drive around. I don’t need to go nightclubbing.” Mark spit out not really mulling over his words but motivated by the desire to stay in comfort of the car with Jackson and Angelo._

_“I’m find with that. I’m obviously not drinking so up to you two, always up for a good drive along the coast.” Angelo shrugged keeping his eyes on the road not really looking back at the two. Mark looked to Jackson for confirmation._

_“Yeah I’m good with that.” Jackson also shrugged indifferently. “Screw the others we were going to meet up with... I have all I need.”_

_Mark rolled his eyes and tried to take off his feet from Jackson’s lap but the other boy protested pulling him back and looking at Mark in the eyes. The flush from the wine was also present on the other’s cheeks._

_“I meant it.” Jackson searched the older’s eyes for a second. “I want to spend it with you guys. You only.”_

_Jackson never broke eye contact with Mark pulling in his attention fully. He was being so sincere for being drunk it was throwing Mark off. The seriousness of the moment was something Mark could hold, always. Seriousness never made him uncomfortable. It did, most of the time, make Jackson squirm._

_“As long as you go really fast my angel. Since we will all will have walkers soon... let’s make the most of it!” Jackson broke eye contact to tease Angelo up at the front calling him by his most hated nickname. Mark laughed and rolled his eyes at the other boy’s antics._

_“Ah! Fratello! You have a mouth on you!” Angelo shouted back at Jackson over the high pitch laughter erupting in the back seat._

_“Fratello! Colpa Mia, colpa mia!” Jackson replied in his accented Italian which was impressive for the amount of languages that naturally flowed in his head._

_“Avere la faccia come il culo.” Angelo chuckled in reply swerving a little on purpose to jolt Jackson._

_“Hey now! I don’t think the American guest would appreciate that kind of behavior.” Jackson used Mark as a scapegoat grabbing ahold of Mark’s hands and looking into his eyes._

_In a low voice he mocked the situation, “Sir I am so sorry for the inconvenience we usually have much better service-”_

_“It’s okay man. Happens.” Mark played along giggling faintly._

_“I think we can amp it up if the crazy american in you likes that?” Jackson wiggled his brow enthusiastically and Mark having an actually strange liking to more adventurous things nodding excitingly._

_“The american says Rapido!!” Jackson called out proudly still holding onto Mark’s hand tightly. There was something challenging and provoking to his tone. It was as if Jackson was challenging Mark to something only he knew. This boy had a way of exciting any situation._

_“Just because an American says-” Angelo called back to them but was soon tuned out by the drunken protest._

_“The way you said that.” Mark laughed at Jackson’s exaggerated Italian accent attempt._

_“Rapido!” Jackson said even louder looking directly at Mark as if to humor the banter going._

_“Rapido!” Mark repeated yelling it forwardly up to Angelo who was shaking his head. Both boys in the back were just repeating themselves and drunkenly laughing while doing so. In a sudden movement Jackson leaps forward to the middle row of seats and begins to roll down the window frantically._

_Mark grips the soft headrests of the seats in front of him positioning himself right between the split of chairs, looking questionably at Jackson. Soon he squeezes the seats tighter as Angelo began to accelerate a little._

_Jackson smiled wildly as the window was fully open blowing in the cool night air directly affecting the hair on Mark’s skin. It was a pleasant breeze to cool his hot skin, Mark closed his eyes feeling the wind and his steadying heartbeat._

_It was then that they turned a corner around the jagged cliff and the incredibly view of a neighboring town in the distance combined with the raging sea and moonlight reflecting in the water put them all in awe. Jackson stuck half his body messily out the window to take in the view and the intensity of the winds as he shouted and stretched his arms out wide in triumph._

_The way the wind swirled in his hair made it dance in the wind with this award winning smile stretching pleasantly across the younger's face. Really it felt as if the wind was swirling something deep within Mark. Jackson wore that smile that made the skin around the corner of his mouth crease and his teeth to glow in the dark white as pearls, it was the kind of smile to evoke everyone in radius to halt. The smile reached his eyes as he turned to Mark laughing carelessly at the way the wind felt and the view that gave everything such a mystical unearth feeling. It must be sacred to look at. Maybe it was the moment, the fanciful smile, it was all too much to lure Mark in and he found himself staring at Jackson with nothing but yearning._

_When Jackson caught the look upon Mark’s face he knew what the other boy was thinking. Jackson’s smile turned immediately soft, returning the longing gaze. He knew what had occurred deep in his mind, what was manifesting that could no longer be ignored. It was not something either wanted to act upon both quite afraid of the sensation and sensitivity to who they thought they were._

_There was no way either could admit to something more, something deeper and hankering between them. Mark never considered himself gay, queer, any of it. He had dated and slept with girls all his life and never questioned that factor. He wanted so deeply to ignore the aching feeling manifesting and tearing deeply at him. He did not want this urge and as much as he tried to close it out, desire will win._

_Jackson slowly slide back into the car and looked Mark deeply in his eyes trying to find the answer to the question prodding at them both. Mark just bit his lip a little too harshly breaking his eye contact from the sun._

_“I need a damn drink.” Mark mumbled to himself searching for his backpack that had some vodka poured in a water bottle. When he scrambled around pulling too roughly at the zipper and downing the burning liquor he cringed at the contact of it sliding down his throat but thankful for the distraction._

_Without really asking Jackson, who was kind of zoning out, reached for the water bottle taking a gulp that was hard without a chaser. Mark took liberty to avoid the close quarters of the vehicle and decided he wanted to reach out the window as well. Scooting around Jackson he wiggled himself out the window still gripping tightly to the frame in order to not lose his balance. But then without much thought he felt Jackson gripped onto his waist to steady the boy._

_“Hey I don’t need help.” Mark called out over the wind but Jackson shook his head at Mark’s protest._

_“You drunk ass will not fall out of a window today.” Jackson laughed to himself and Mark shook his head sticking himself further out feeling the real impact of the air and how it’s made every hair on his arm stand straight up._

_It pure adrenaline, pure bliss. The feeling was like no other, electrifying and making him feel...alive. Jackson’s hands that held his waist sturdy and strong, the feeling of their wide expanse against his abdomen, it was all so pleasant Mark decided his touch was just as electrifying as any thrill. The waves were crashing below and causing a pleasant sound to his ears accompanied with the lights of towns decorating the hill in the distance. Their van was maniacal to this towering cliffs Angelo drove along and the fact any moment it could tumble off was a reminder of the delicacy of every moment he had with these people. With the boy holding him so dearly, spreading his own warmth against Mark’s skin._

_Looking down still smiling ear to ear he wanted to find Jackson’s eyes and he wanted to hold the earlier look they shared. He wanted to feel his gaze and know he was on the receiving end of that want. Jackson wanted the boy as much as he wanted him as well. Mark was scared out of mind of the feelings inside of him but just because he was terrified did not take away from the fact he wanted again and again to have his desire swirl warmly in his stomach._

_When Jackson’s eyes flickered up to Mark’s there was a flash of being terrified as well, a flash of uncertainty until his met the others smile, the toothy grin of his sharp endearing teeth. It felt right, no pull was resisted. Jackson was the waves to Mark’s moon. A breathless laugh escaped both of them. They knew there was nothing to turn back from, it was inevitable. Mark’s eyes began to gloss over feeling the intensity of the deep brown ones that glittered more than the contact of moonlight on waves._

_“Stop the car Angelo.” Jackson said subconsciously._

_“What?” Angelo questioned taken back but the sudden request._

_“Pull over.” And with a sudden halt of the car Jackson didn’t break contact and tugged Mark inside so he could open the car door and drag the older out with him. The only sound was their feet on the gravel of the side of the road, the air was thick and suffocating._

_Anticipation was growing between them it was as if they both did not have to answer each other well aware of the other’s every move. This was a moment in time that would forever seal Mark’s fate. He could feel it linger and tug the two together like magnets._

_Suddenly as Jackson pulled them both to the back of the van he pushed Mark up against the back his back hitting the cold mental with a thud. He was no longer afraid of the thump in his heart, not with the glistening lights of Positano now in the distance. Mark let the divinity, the spell of the air guide him towards the boy in front of him that now had two hands pressed intensely next to his head._

_They were sharing space and air as both were breathing intensely, no holding back. Never again. He wanted him, Mark was scared and persuaded to run but the way his pink lips quivered he knew there was no way he would. Jackson closed his eyes tightly shaking slightly at the sudden action he was about to take. The way his eyebrows creased were all telling how much he was resisting sealing both of their fates._

_Mark to comfort the other moved his hands to cup the boy’s burning cheeks. He felt the fire kindled in both of them in that moment and as his palms made contact with the other’s skin there was one moment that Jackson’s eyes snapped open, and it was over. Lurching forward at the same time the two crashed into each other pressing their lips together as if it was their dying breath. Nothing else matter but the slick slide of their lips pulling and taking from each other. It was harsh and full of burning desire, a crack of thunder and mending of two souls. It hurt how much Mark felt it, he felt every part of the other, every moment of tension and build and it made it so intense they both began breathing even more heavily. Mark was swayed to melt right into the other. No breath was need just the feeling of how plump and perfect Jackson’s needy lips protruded Mark’s. God above let him never leave his lips, his entrancement. Him was all that Mark could ever need._

_They were like waves one would roll their body and the other would pull them. Pull them in and hold them there but never fully parting afraid of breaking the moment and loosing what they bottled and were releasing. Cathartic and simply a pure representation of need._

_It was like a storm that had been brewing, heavy and dark with promised rain. The two crashed together and could not let go of each other. Jackson’s hands found Mark’s waist and simultaneously pulled Mark’s body to his while pushing him firmly against the back of the car. Mark’s lips were the only communication he had as he kissed him so intensely it was in no way misread. It was erotic the way that only the sound of panting and their lips clashing filled the air._ Mark could only think please tear me apart and put me back together, coax me into bliss.

_Jackson finally pulled back all together his hands and lips leaping from Mark like he was fire. Immediately the boy paced back and forth reveling in what they both just did. Mark could only pant, his chest rising and falling laboriously._

_“Jackson I-” Before he could rationalize with the boy Jackson sealed their lips together again panically kissing Mark repeatedly in little laps as if to apologize. Mark smiled into the kiss causing Jackson to accidentally kiss his teeth. He groaned inwardly as his tongue found Jackson’s briefly. Suddenly the other boy was the one bad with words._

_Again Jackson pulled back and did not even say a word as he walked back to the car. What just fucking happened?_

_All Mark could do his hair a mess, lips abused, standing before the moon was to laugh._

_Later that night when Jackson and Mark were wrapped in each other, cuddling fully clothed not having kissed since the side of the road, they were just silently enjoying the other’s company. Neither could tell the future but Mark knew that it was no longer a question what he felt for Jackson but when it would all blow up in his face. He needed to enjoy every moment of this, every moment of the other._

_This time is was Mark who repeated the words to Jackson, “Don’t leave me tonight.”_

_With the most steady voice Jackson replied, “Never.”_

 

The bar’s in Positano were nothing of American bar’s but just of places for drinks and seating. There was the infamous club of Positano but that was another can of worms Mark refused to open. Mark was not actually sure when Natalie would be home but he was sure of the steps he was taking to the bar which was not far from his hotel.

The nightlife in the summer was great, the copious amount of young people wandering about the streets in the warm summer nights made the atmosphere full of life. Mark was happy to get a beer and look over the city in contentment. Franco’s bar was perched at a perfect spot to overlook everything. It was a perfect spot to just chat with old friends, be in public, easy to blend, nothing too intimate. The presence of another to mediate a conversation was very welcomed, three made it less awkward, less intensive.

He wanted to see Jackson, he missed his friendship with him most of all. He use to use the boy as a confidant, someone who would listen to Mark’s frustrations as well as he would listen to Jackson. It was odd to watch the other hurt and not hear it, as he was the cause of it. Tonight would be interesting. However the bonfire sparked an ember of hopefulness.

Right on the dot Mark arrived at eight o’clock. The bustling of conversations filled the atmosphere comfortably, the seating and bar was outdoors with dim lights placed about the space. Towards the corning of the bar he spotted Jackson and Angelo seated in the cobalt blue seats. Jackson was manspreading leaning his arm against the back of the chair very comfortable in the seat and holding a glass of what looked like champagne. Angelo sat across from his mirroring his actions as if simply an older version of the younger, they seemed in debate. Mark walked hesitantly up the pair catching Angelo’s eyes first.

“Mark my brother, fratello, amigo glad you made it, sit sit, we have plenty of champagne.” Angelo was so welcoming his reaction made Mark laugh slightly taking the chair next to him, “Just in time! We were debating the impact champagne has on your mood.”

“It has no impact, it’s fluff.” Jackson replied laconic, taking a sip of the beverage shaking his head slightly.

“Aye! It is about the ambiance the way the bubbles make the mood, shift it to a more celebratory atmosphere. You might not realize it yourself Wang.” Angelo exclaimed waving his hands back and forth from the bottle resting on the table between them. “Mark? Thoughts?”

As he offered the question to the boy Angelo bent forward to poor the other a glass of the much debatable choice of beverage. Mark kind of just shrugged making an incredibly indifferent gesture.

“Alcohol is alcohol. I find myself reaching for a beer mostly.” Mark would drink what was offered to him but that did not rule out his preference.

“You foreigners have no delight for simple gestures, next time I’ll leave the order to one of you.” Angelo pointed his finger accusingly at the both of them deciding to lay back and enjoy his bubbly in contentment.

“Given the fact I’ve been in this city for years now you must give me some local cred.” Jackson protested smirking slightly still in his manspread position, he liked the relaxed Jackson before him. But the need to still be cautious feeling and the feeling of being slightly alienated prevented Mark from becoming comfortable.

There was the immediate feel that everyone was dancing around each other not truly knowing where to go with the conversation creating a lull. Mark thanked Angelo as he was handed the skinny glass of bubbles that felt like his nerves rising mirroring the carbonation of the drink.

Jackson’s stare was pretty disconnected, it was so hard to break through to the core of what his thoughts were. Still Mark chose to be here, he was not going to run with his tail between his legs. 

“So what have you been up to Mark? Now that we have you in our presence, I want to catch up, you have the floor.” Angelo was trying to start any kind of conversation, just something to break the ice, Mark and Jackson brought natural tension it seemed.

“It’s been good. I mean I’ve been working closely with my dad on a business plan for the future. I know he plans to give me a big spot as a chairman hopefully. I’ve been doing quite a bit of meetings. The stocks have been rising like crazy I really think we are making a great profit for our future. Uh Fam is good, Joey has been helping me on the side on top of going to USC.” Mark kind of was surface level rambling about his career unsure where to take any of it.

“American University?” Angelo replied curiously and Mark nodded.

“A really good one. On level with Stanford.” Jackson replied smugly and Angelo shot him a look.

“Mark’s turn to talk! You did not even attend that school.” The conversation seemed to be light hearted yet not once had Mark and Jackson made eye contact besides side glances. No natural progression seemed to be happening.

“None of us did go to any university, you and Jackson decided to travel, I went right into an internship...sometimes I wonder if I did go.” Mark spoke absentmindedly truly curious at the path he took, dwelling seemed to be common with him these days.

The sea in the background was loud a perfect backtrack and reminder, an anchor for Mark. The sea had always been something he had been drawn to, he looked to it often for unresponsive answers. 

“My priority was set — girls.” Angelo smiled priggish and pleased with himself. 

“How did that turn out?” Mark quipped back causing a curt laugh from Jackson. The sound of it ringing in his ear’s made him snap his attention forward to the boy. He was bouncing his leg, lip tight between his teeth. Mark just blinked owlishly at the other. Jackson gave him a mirroring blank look, nothing was to interpret.

“Still as sharp as ever Tuan! You truly like to hurt my ego.” Angelo pretended to be hurt grabbing for his heart. “How it turned out is that here I sit monitoring a conversation between two stubborn old friends who will not talk or even look at the other.” 

It was hard to know how seriously he meant that as Angelo’s tone rarely got too somber, he wanted for things to become normal. It was always a when the conversation would turn south now. When would they truly let out their feelings. Jackson was a wall to Mark currently and Mark was always on edge.

“I have an idea. From now on you both have to look at each other and tell the other three things... as surface level or deep as you want. I will sit here and drink my mood maker bubbles in silence.” Angelo was blunt, no longer humoring anything.

“You said you would not force anything.” Jackson said back to the man void of emotion. Angelo did not reply but only gesture to the pair. 

Jackson looked reluctant finishing off the contents in his glass and setting it down a little too harshly. Mark was already looking to the boy intently, his mind void of anything to ask or tell the other, a look would do for now. All he could do is plead with his eyes for something. It was like pulling teeth with the other. But Mark held his gaze waiting for the other to make contact. 

“I-I did not ask for this. I’m not doing this. Nope.” Jackson then abruptly stood up emotions seeming to bubble rapidly in him, no longer was the air neutral. The other two sat silently as Jackson walked away from the situation. Mark sat baffled, growing hopeless. 

“He’ll be back. Give it a minute.” Angelo replied simply looking outwards towards the view keeping his utmost composure even though Mark was increasingly more anxious next to him. Progress lost.

All Mark could do was wait there. He was not going to move. Not one part in him was able to move anyways. If the other would not come back then he would... but as much as Mark could also just walk out — he won’t. He’s not leaving the boy even if the boy leaves him. Apart of him just knew that he had to be steady. The waves will pull you, push you, send you tumbling but to stay still in the midst of the sea is crucial.

It was silent between him and Angelo letting the moment breathe and Angelo keeping his thoughts to a minimal. The chattering of the people at the bar were a dull murmur in Mark’s ear. If he let himself overthink it all he would definitely send himself spiraling so Mark kept his mind as still as possible. He let himself focus out over the half wall to the city straight ahead and how it trailed below to the beach which was absent besides a few stray people on night walks. That was Mark’s favorite time to go to the main beach. He used to love to feel the sand the dark sand cold between his fingertips, his toes, the way the ocean rolled in and out covering more of the beach each time, Jackson and him would spend time just looking out to the dark coloring of the sky and how the blue water dulled to a misty grey. When he was able to be silent with Jackson was rare but an unspoken treaty between them had formed. When they found themselves sitting side by side in the sand often times Mark would reach for the other’s hand. On those lonely beach nights they both thought of home.

Suddenly Jackson was back and he wore his composure with intention. Sitting back in his seat he did not dally this time he looked right to Mark. Mark has been waiting for this moment after his outburst, a real child the other could be. It was something he never wanted the other to the other to change. He just wanted to hold his gaze in peace. _Say something now Jack and say it soon._

“One. I’ve been working on thinking, not saying something because my mind is curious but...letting it settle. I think there is something to that approach. And do not take it wrong, if I want to say something I won’t hesitate.” Jackson makes a point to deliver to Mark with the utmost eye contact, it sends more of a pang to his chest. 

“Two. I’ve taken up photography again. It was very hard to get back into because for a few years I couldn’t touch it.” The Hong Kong boy twisted the ring on his finger subliminally, a habitat. “It- was always a creative outlet I’ve always loved and I’m making sure I don’t lose it because I’ve found the only way to release what I’ve pent up is to creative.”

Mark nodded encouragingly, the way Jackson was actually being honest and open was stirring his emotions. He always was an advocate for how detail oriented and creative the other was. It was another layer to the boy he loved dearly. Jackson’s brown eyes were always so alluring and it immediately made Mark kneel to their control.

“Third. I’ve missed you.” 

Mark’s heart dropped.

“As much as it hurts me what you did... how am I suppose to find any solution avoiding you when,” Jackson’s demeanor was starting to deteriorate, teetering on anguish. “when, you sit before me okay. You are okay, healthy, alive. I do not need to forget what we were but, I just miss your presence.”

Mark’s eyes well fresh with tears as if his body just reacts to Jackson in a way that is sacred, muscle memory. He wants to just grab the other and apologize until his heart has wept out every last grievance. He wants to be held in the arms he hurt and he would let them hurt him if it would fix the ache in his chest. Jackson would never hurt him which only prolongs the distance and discomfort that they cannot escape. 

Mark laughs bitterly, letting the tears gloss over his eyes, knowing too well the situation they have gotten themselves into. He was afraid that if he broke eye contact with Jackson the other will never look at him again.

“One. I’ve been working on expressing myself better, actually telling someone what I feel. It is still not a perfect system, it probably never will be but I’m trying and that’s all that matters. Two. As much as Natalie wanted to come here I cannot deny the part of me that has always loved this place, the beauty, the lifestyle, the people…” Mark holds the long intensive eye contact, pulling him in and letting the moment breathe. He can see even from the stone cold features of the other he has tears welling as well. 

“Three. I’ve missed you too.” 

They both laugh breathlessly, tired. It’s a laugh trying to bridge the gap of lost time. Things could have been different, he could have lived out his life with Jackson. He knew that. But now he has someone else he loves, someone else to hold, to kiss, to vow undying companionship. The other sinks slightly into himself and shakes his head. Mark cannot tell if he mended the wound or if it cut deeper but he had heard Jackson’s laugh two times in the last twenty four hours and that was all he needed.

The rest of the night it became incredibly casual. They all ordered a few more drinks, of their own choosing, and were able to casually spend time with each other as an unspoken truce. Mark was never actually sure if he would ever truly win Jackson’s trust back but at least he knew that the other missed him as well. It felt nice, to be wanted. 

Angelo had ridden in with his scooter so it left only Jackson and Mark to walk back. Even though Jackson’s place was very far away and Mark’s hotel was only steps it was still insisted that Jackson would walk the other back. They both walked in comfortable silence not having particularly anything to say but so much at the same time.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay to walk back alone?” Mark questioned briefly looking up above the city to where the general location of Jackson’s house was.

“I’ve done it plenty before... I’m meeting someone actually near here anyways.” Jackson said nonchalantly. The dull ember lights that lit the street making it not as easy to see the other’s facial expressions. The town was quieting down besides the few illuminated windows that were full of dancing shadows. Mark loved walking back on the old roads in a peace that was totally safe at night.

“Oh.” _Don’t sound so disappointed Tuan that’s not your place._ “A new romantic interest?” 

“No actually. Not this time.” Jackson gave Mark a little smirk. Mark wants Jackson to find someone he cares about a lot, he wants him happy.

Mark decided to not press it anymore, even though curious. And as they came to entrance of the hotel Mark knew it was time to part.

“Did you mean it Jackson?” Mark turns to the other and asks hesitantly, afraid of the answer.

“I’ve always missed you.” Jackson says steadily as ever and then slowly turns around, a glint of what could be a tear in his eyes. As Mark watches him leave he realizes how much he does not want to go up to his hotel room.

Mark has always broke his promises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoo this was a lot omg...and a kiss! even if it is not in real time ;). They are working through a lot and trust me this is progress. I'm posting this sick so I apologize for any typos butttt as always let me know your thoughts!!! Exciting things are coming


	8. Chapter 8

_“Ow! Fuck ow!” Mark yells through his teeth as Jackson pierces his skin. “Fuck!”_

_“I told you this would hurt. I know what I’m doing if you just stop squirming. Do I need to get you a gag?” Jackson lifts one eyebrow and then huffs to himself trying to concentrate._

_“You are so suggestive sometimes.” Mark blows out his breath, throwing his head back against the softness of the pillow behind him. He was not at all prepared for what was going on at the moment — and he was the one that suggested this._

_“You wanted me to tattoo the bottom of your foot, keep in mind I’ve never done this... and if you want to quit right now, tell me, because I’m totally okay going back to making out.” Jackson sets down the makeshift tattoo gun made of a sewing needle, pencil, and dental floss._

_He looks at Mark with concern knowing this whim of an idea was possibly the worst idea he’s ever had. Mark just thought it would be rebellious and kind of hot to have Jackson tattoo him, and the bottom of his foot would never be seen, really. Mark was a sleep in socks kinda guy anyways._

_“I want to have something on me that will make it so I will never forget this place, this moment, you.” Mark picked his head up to look to the boy and his tone suddenly got much more sentimental, more soft. He wanted to forever be in this moment, to have Jackson’s eyes on him, to have the boy inking his skin with something he couldn’t scrub off. The permanency of a tattoo was something Mark couldn’t shy from, and in the moment he was not going to change his mind. There was no time for him to reconsider because he would definitely talk himself out of it._

_Jackson looked to him with concern but did not protest his words, just the gentleness in his tone made the boy submit to the request. Gently Jackson lent down and kissed at the sole of Mark’s foot, tickling the other._

_“Never pinned you as a foot fetish type.” Mark laughed breathlessly at the way Jackson handled him with such delicacy and never took a moment to not devote his gaze to the other._

_“M’Not. Maybe if Mark Tuan asked me to be.” Jackson kissed his foot again and Mark flinched at the contact of something so plush against the arch of his foot. He could not deny this was easing him from the pain. “I just want to appreciate your skin before I ink it, put you in pain.”_

_“I want it.” Mark nodded at him, encouraging him to continue._

_Jackson’s eyes snapped up again as if to challenge those words and shook his head to himself. “Dangerous word choice,” he groaned to himself._

_Suddenly Jackson stood up to find something, walking away from the scene before him. The only real light they had on currently was the blue moonlight pouring in from the open doors of Jackson’s balcony. The boy walked away only in grey sweatpants the shirt being discarded somewhere else from their messy trip up the stairs. Before he knew it the boy emerged back out of the bathroom with makeup remover to wipe away ink and a bottle of some kind of alcohol._

_“Seems you prepared for this.” Mark swallowed feeling his nerves grow once again realizing what he is letting happen._

_“I want to take good care of you. If I’m creating art on someone’s foot it will be only my best work.” Jackson shuffles over to Mark who is hanging half off the boy’s bed and half on the bench at the end of the bed, he had nothing but a pair of Jackson’s basketball short on._

_Walking up right next to him Jackson handed him the alcohol, “For you.” and then he leaned down to kiss the boy on the side of the head briefly. Mark was quick to grab him and hold him there for a moment just to breathe with each other._

_Mark then set aside the alcohol, “You aren’t supposed to be drunk when you get a tattoo.” He remembered this fact and was not sure of the repercussions of it. Of it all really._

_“If I tattoo your foot, will you do mine?” Jackson whispers into the side of Mark’s head and as much as he is inclined to deny Mark just nods. He’s too influenced by the presences of the other. Knowing that Jackson too will forever have something of Mark on him is more than appealing._

_Staying as still as he can it is hard to not want to just grab the looming Jackson and pull him as close to Mark as possible. To never release him, to never move from him. It was such a desire in Mark to kiss the boy constantly. It had been weeks now of them fooling around and yet each touch felt like the first. Lost in his thoughts he did not anticipate the feeling of Jackson lips latching onto his neck so intensely to pull him away from overthinking. Jackson was definitely going in with the intent to form a bright and intense hickey against Mark’s skin. His eyes fluttered shut and he moaned breathy as the other pulled back and moved down his body towards his feet. He let the adrenaline in him from the closeness of the other to fuel his decision that yes he wanted to tattoo Jackson as well._

_Jackson had all the tools laid out around him going back into what he started. Mark let his arms give out and just laid down completely not really wanting to see the needle going into his skin. His neck was still throbbing Mark’s whole body feeling completely worn out and sleepy._

_“Just tell me if you want to stop or need a break.” Jackson confirms with Mark and Mark just hums lazily not even really responding._

_There was nothing that could really prepare him for the moment, not Jackson holding his foot in place, not the feeling of the pen putting pressure into his skin as Jackson drew the design, but not till the needle went back into his foot did he realize how painful it would be. But Mark would do it a hundred times over if it meant he could be in this moment, unwavering, with Jackson._

 

It became a ritual. Every night Mark would call Jackson. 

It started with a lot of contemplating whether or not this was the right step to take, if this was again overstepping boundaries. Also another problem arose based on the fact he no longer had the other boy’s number. The only way he could think of to contact the other was to find his home residence number and call in hopes the line wasn’t cut. 

Natalie did not seem to question much at first, even after Mark hauled home a huge phone book from the local supermarket down the street. When he finally found the number to the house he called the home line hoping and praying that he would be answered after the continuous ringing. It was necessarily disappointment but after the gardener and housekeeper Mrs. Parisi answered he at least knew it was the correct home. There was no reason Mark’s stomach had to do flips.

Mrs. Parisi is and always had been so kind. She really loved seeing Mark every time he would come up to hangout with Jackson. Back then she use to always tell Mark how happy he made Jackson, that she never really, truly saw him light up so genuinely. Part of Mark liked to think she was always their biggest supporter. It was impossible to think she did not ever see them at least sneak a kiss, as much as that slightly embarrassed the American boy.

Nonetheless she was ecstatic to hear Mark’s voice through the phone and to avoid that loud shriek he had to quickly hold it out from his ear for a moment. After an interrogation she finally admitted Jackson was not home at the moment but would have him call Mark back as soon as he was. With a thanks and sigh Mark hung up and sat there by the phone anxiously waiting.

At one moment Natalie seemed to wander in to where he was sitting, chatting casually, but soon got bored and wanted to go buy some wine. It was probably in him to feel inclined to go with her, obviously a que of wanting to leave but he could not bring himself to leave the phone’s side at any request. He could not really read her face but she seemed fine with him staying and took her purse and the hotel key. And there he sat for another twenty minutes.

With in one high pitched ring of the old phone connected to the wall Mark sprung up from the white luxury couch and swooped up the phone like he was catching a baseball from outfield. One familiar “hello?” and a wide smile from himself he knew he started something addicting.

So every night they talked, about nothing really. It started as very small talk, the kind of a relationship that had quite frankly been distant, 6,460 miles distant to be exact. But in Mark’s mind he was talking to a best friend that he missed, one he needed more than he could have ever known. By this time of night Jackson’s voice seemed to always get slower, more deep as if pouring honey into tea. He wanted to just have the other talk to him and tell him about his day, his work and it slowly turned into something deeper. Neither quite wanted to talk about each other, their past, but they were able to talk about seriously anything else.

He knew that Natalie would linger in the window seeing him talking to someone out on the balcony night after night but she never asked, she never even walked up to him. When Mark turned around to see her standing there she just smiled at him softly and took a few steps back from the glass of the window, her blurry fingerprints still imprinted the window pane. Should he look more into that? Possibly. But he had nothing to hide, besides what was. The time for that would come. But when he heard Jackson on the other end of his cellphone his attention was stolen.

Not one part of him could see or know if it was or was not irrational but he missed Jackson’s face the more he chatted with him via cellphone. Mark knew that there was no way he would be able to make peace with only talking to him from the home phone, and he knew Jackson had a cellphone. Still every night Mark would wait until Jackson got home from work to call him. What not more rational than to take a boating trip across the coast and swim around at some of the caves. It was enough tourism for Natalie and a simple summer activity Jackson would definitely do. So with a suggestion slipped into one of his and Jackson’s nightly talks there was a pause, then a yes, and a suggestion of bringing a group of people. The group of people would be perfect a way to be together but not alone. It was what Mark knew he needed.

It wasn’t hard to convince Natalie when he brought up Jackson’s name and suddenly she was shoving shit in a bag and slapping sunscreen all over Mark’s hot skin.

“I can do that myself Nat.” Mark groaned as they waited on the dock watching aimlessly as the water lapped at the wet stoned sides. Natalie then snuck under her arm around Mark molding herself into his side, a position any couple would do but it felt unnatural in a strange way. Not to say Mark did not enjoy her warmth and presence.

Soon after a group of familiar but distant faces appeared along with Jackson himself. It did not take much longer for the whole group of ten or so people plus Natalie and Mark to pile onto a boat and steering themselves out to the sea. The sun was extra hot today searing the skin of anyone under it. 

It was a funny thing how you want someone to look at you but to never look at them. He wanted Jackson’s eyes on him as they ventured out on this boat. He wanted through all the loud chatting and music playing for the boy’s eyes to linger back to him each time. To be in a space where you know someone is yours but you don’t interaction much was a complacent feeling, he used to like it. Mark learned he should not chase something that is gone.

They all planned to go find some natural caves and beaches along the Amalfi coast that would be tucked about the shoreline. It was always something to do in summer to just take a boat out with friends and enjoy each other’s company. It felt nice that Jackson invited him and Natalie to this outing, almost like a step, an attempt at something progressive in their relationship.

Mark knew these people, he knew their faces and a few names but as much as he held memories of this place he can not say he remembers every single face from five years ago. It was a game of tiptoe around the name question until someone else says another person’s. Quite frankly he was really glad he had Natalie with him to ground him in any conversation, someone to bounce off of. She kept her hand pretty firmly on his leg, it was less possessive and more of an acknowledgment to their tether to each other. Mark found himself placing his hand on top of the one on his leg quite a bit, she was very soothing. Maybe Natalie was his rock in this ever shifting current.

Jackson was in his element, the center of everyone’s attention. Mark always pondered if it was because he wanted to be or because naturally everyone’s eyes just found him, his guess was the latter. From the small cooler towards the rear of the boat Jackson seemed to be distributing the cheapest Italian beer. When he approached Mark he barely meet his eyes, like it was a peek show, you want to look but should not. Instead he turned right to Natalie.

“Do you want two beers or one? I am happy to give Mark’s to you if you’d like.” Jackson seemed extra chipper this morning chomping at any bit that came to mind. Natalie could not resist the giggle that erupted.

“Very funny Jackson.” Mark rolled his eyes and extended his hand out to collect the beer.

“Ah! Not so fast. I asked the lady first.” Jackson laughed and then kneeled down dramatically holding out both beers. “Your boyfriend is a cheerful one isn’t he?”

Natalie scrunched her nose and took both handing one to Mark anyways. “Fiance actually! How could you forget such crucial details from the night we met?” She joked.

“How could I.” Jackson said softer, in a tone that if were not for the playful banter would have been very reminiscent. That tone, it made Mark instinctively cringe. 

“You’ve made quite the friend in Positano now haven’t you two? I want to personally apologize for this twenty something year old’s behavior.” A nameless guy shouted from the front of the boat and Jackson quickly waved him off smiling like the carefree idiot Mark knew. He feared he would never get that smile directed at him again. He did not truly deserve it.

“Has he always been like this?” Mark called back playing along with the bit, it was interesting how the words sprouted up. He knew Jackson more personally than anyone.

“Sadly.” Another girl said. And Jackson whipped around to each and everyone calling him out with an amused face that was ready to defend himself.

“I will turn this boat around!” Jackson laughed in the way that sounded almost as a hiccup which uniformly caused Mark to laugh loudly back at him. 

It must have been forever since Jackson had even heard Mark’s true laugh because without a second thought his attention snapped to Mark and he blinked owlishly. It almost made him nervous the intimate eye conversation they were having but luckily everyone else around them were more involved with a different conversation and did not catch that moment.

 

Soon they arrived at a more secluded cave along the coast that surprising went pretty far back into the terrain, nothing too special but more so just a place to jump off and swim around for a while. The sky was extra blue free of any clouds that the sun felt unforgiving to Mark’s somewhat pale skin. Natalie’s complexion was very olive, with yellow and greenish undertones that tanned beautifully. It was paradise to her, free of that particular worry. 

The motor of the boat slowed to a gradual stop causing the waves to lap more harshly against the sides of the boat. The sea was always in its most bright turquoise form on these scorching summer days. It was somehow so easy to get mesmerized by the Tyrrhenian sea. What was under the surface hidden so deep only the currents know? What has slipped beneath the surface and moved deeper into the waves? Did it return?

With the impact of linen falling into his lap Mark looked up to see Natalie wobbling on the edge of the boat ready to jump in without a second thought. Before he could even really process she had jumped in with a small splash, the rest of the people cheered her on.

“Mark’s fiance has the right idea!” One of the Italian men shouted.

A need to correct jumped from Mark’s throat, “Her name is Natalie.” 

But there was no real acknowledgement from the peanut gallery as everyone started to strip and dive into the refreshing waves to relieve the heat.

Soon Natalie emerged and laughed to herself throwing herself back to float carefree around in the blue sea. She looked peaceful, the sunlight kissing her cheeks and eyelids to emphasize the natural glow of her skin. Mark began to become more increasingly aware of how hot his own skin was starting to feel. And he looked around to find he was the only one left on the boat besides a couple who were too in their own world. 

Hesitantly Mark walked to the back of the boat where the platform was. As he was grabbing at the edge of his shirt to take it off he caught sight of something that made his stomach lurch. Right off to the side where no one was really paying attention was Jackson and a girl he had not recognized, they were definitely kissing. He quickly told himself to ignore, it was Jackson’s life he had every right but why did it feel so foreign to see. 

Was it because it was a different perspective that he usually did not see from? Someone else had won the heart of the center. He was no longer the center of the boy’s world and the only way to wash away his thoughts was to let the sea take him under. And with the toss of his shirt and sunglasses let himself close his eyes and muffle his hearing as he dove deep into the Tyrrhenian.

He must of breathed in at the wrong moment for as he emerged there was an overwhelming sense of salt and need to cough. Brushing the water from his eyelids Mark allowed himself to just take a moment and stay afloat, to just let the summer sun warm his skin and feel like he was gliding. Focus on the feeling of the water and warmth instead of clouding his mind with thoughts.

When he saw out of the corner of his eye Natalie swim up to him he did what he thought was rational in the moment. Then he told himself this was not out of spite as he grabbed the back of her head and kissed her. The kiss held more passion then he had given her since the beginning of this trip. Who in this situation he was trying to convince? He did not know, but it felt nice.

Natalie’s initial instinct was to flinch but then she gentle dragged him, still with his lips against hers, to a more shallow area against the rocks. It did not matter at all what he was thinking because it was all about what he was feeling. _Don’t think feel,_ Mark told himself.

As they approached an era near the cave against the rocks Natalie switched their positions and pushed at him harder as if she needed the air from his lungs. It should feel more natural but it just felt like they were both trying to grip the other harder and it was mostly like from a lack of practice. He needed to remind himself what they had at the beginning of their relationship, maybe passion was lost, adrift for a while. But oh were her lips soft.

When she pulled back she made a slight “hmm.” and then quickly stole one more peck before falling back into the water swimming slightly backwards with a cheeky smile.

Mark just was heaving, breathless, truly out air and overwhelmed by the smell of the salt water. His lungs felt heavy as if he swallowed the sea and his eyes were also stinging slightly.

“Where has that Mark been?” Natalie laughed wiping her mouth smugly. Then from the distance he heard the group let out a few cheers at the show this couple just put on and Natalie blushed to herself. 

Mark had no reaction to the cheers but as he looked to his left and saw Jackson staring intently without any emotion present, just a tight jaw, which made Mark felt oddly empty. The poor girl next to him was trying to get his attention but Jackson just barred his gaze over to where Mark was, strong shoulders peeking out from the water and his chest rising and falling.

Still pressed against the jagged rocks that felt harsh against his skin he let himself close his eyes and wish for the center of attention to leave him. The job of being the center was never easily won, and when it was it did not feel worth it any longer. 

 

The ride back Mark and Jackson both fell pretty silent and not really anyone seemed to notice. If his life could have gotten anymore ironic Natalie was now chatting up the girl Jackson shared saliva with. It was not his fault he kissed his soon to be wife so why was Jackson ignoring him again. Was progress between them so easily lost? 

Mark felt angry all of a sudden and he was not responding well to the sudden mood shift that he undoubtedly created between them. It was beyond frustrating that he felt completely insecure about the whole situation. Yet, Mark was not one to break from anger.

 

It ended with an a lot of hugs from strangers with excessive cologne and beer breath. As well as no hug from the Hong Kong native. It was easy to avoid in a group of that many people. Mark felt empty and agitated mounting up the redundancy of stairs Positano was infamous for. He kept wanting to turn back and give Jackson a piece of his mind, but he was at fault in this situation for reading into anything. He could no longer chase something that was a memory. To recreate a feeling was impossible.

 

Natalie read Mark as indifferent much on the contrary to the actual pure remorse he was battling. As the cuddled into their hotel room it all felt off. It was as if the air was heavy on Mark, like it was pressing an issue he was ready to deny and deny some more. 

She had wanted more from him, more of what they felt soaking in the waters, pressing into each other. But as soon as Mark felt her presence on top of him, kissing at his neck and leaving bruises, it did not feel right at the moment. None of this felt right and Mark was on the verge of tears when he gently turned his head.

“I don’t have the energy for this Nat. M’sorry” he mumbled his words not very coherent but she got the message as she unstraddled his lap.

Laying back in the silk sheets she immediately crossed her arms looking with her eyebrows knitted together. They were both silent for a whole minute, it felt an entirety longer.

“Earlier wasn’t just a show was it?” Natalie’s question cut through the air like a knife but it did not have as much malice as Mark would have thought.

“It wasn’t.” He swallowed roughly, “Just at the moment I do not think I can give you everything” that wasn’t a lie.

She hesitated for a moment, considering his words “I get it. I wouldn’t want to be the only one into it.”

Planting a quick kiss to his cheek she decided there was nothing left to do but to go to sleep. With a quick reach across his lap to turn off the lamp Natalie settled under the comforter seeming a lot smaller than Mark remembered. Suddenly it felt as if his feelings were betraying his reality as he watching her shoulder gently rise and fall with her breathing. 

The only sound was a gentle ticking of a clock upon the detailed dresser near the window. For some reason it still felt like Mark’s lungs were still filled with water that was slowly drowning him. The silence spoke a lot to him, it filled the air with something that he wanted to escape. Time was ticking much louder by the second and soon those seconds turned to minutes, hours. 

Mark had tried a few times to rest but each time after about twenty minutes he’d get up, pace about the room, go out the balcony and then repeat. Mark felt helpless, he felt the tears still holding on the rims of his eyes. Why was there so much anxiety around this situation? Why did he felt so incomplete after their boat outing that there was no way he could sleep feeling so unresolved. Subconsciously he was picking at his hangnails till his thumb was once again red. Stopping to look at his throbbing thumb Mark finally felt something click. There was only one thing he could think of to cure his restlessness. 

 

It was one in the morning when he began to walk, and he knew exactly the way he was going. He left no note, he just left with one goal. One thing that could not be ignored any longer, one idea so dangerous he knew it would only end poorly. No longer could Mark ignore the aching feeling, how could he let his mind wander so far from the truth he was no longer sure what he felt. He needed answers, and answers he would get. 

He did not get to talk to Jackson on the boat ride back so how is it possible that any resolve could happen. There was a way he could still read the boy, he could read and peel back any layer from him just by one look. There was almost this resentment in which he could not express his confusion, his need.

Step after step Mark began to grow increasingly nervous and weary, yet, he had no intention of turning back. He kept on as if he had nowhere left to go but forward. 

It was too familiar, it was as if his timeline’s were intertwining and pulling him backwards. The cracks of time in the cobblestone roads were mending, the wisteria blooming again, the hair’s on his head becoming more deep brown. 

Suddenly it felt as if everything was whole again, everything was as it was five years ago. Mark felt the nerves take ahold of his stomach, he felt something ache deep in him that was burning and itching to be released. He never felt more awake than that moment where he found himself once again at the iron detailed front door of Jackson’s house. One knock and there was no turning back, one knock.

And before he knew it it was done, he had decided his own fate. There were suddenly so many things that were coming to fruition he had never wanted to admit and it was so overwhelming Mark was even more anxious awaiting the door to open. It was absolutely torture waiting for a moment he could never take back. If Jackson would not come to the door then it would be settled, and to Mark that would be enough for him to turn back. But Mark was growing to realize he did not want that.

With a few clicks the door suddenly was open and a sleepy Jackson that looked as if he just got off the couch and had slept on his head peered at him with confused eyes. Mark then slide into the house closing it before the other could protest and leaned against the heaviness of the door.

“I’ve never stopped missing you.” Mark spoke with a lot more emotional than he meant to, a few hot tears escaping without warning. 

Jackson was taken aback his eyes wild and searching Mark’s. He knew the boy was instantly thrown back, a plethora of ideas bouncing around in his mind. And Jackson gently shook his head at something only he and Mark could understand.

“Kiss Me.” Mark trembled at the request, no longer being able to hold back any tears.

And with no hesitation at all Jackson strides over to him and sealed their lips together in the most aching, unspoken, sense of yearning; their tears mixed together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHH it finally happened!!!! we are moving things into action. I'm really excited to hear everyone's reactions to this chapter. And I think you all know what's coming next :^)...starts with an s. But for real this all makes me so emotional to finally see my characters in present time connect after all these years. Anyways comment what you think, I'm sorry if this took longer I had some family issues the last weeks. But love you all thanks for reading!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!! So sorry for my absence I've had quite literally the worst few months of my life but I am back and ready to write. I do not regret taking time as writing is just for fun not a schedule but after this last week of college I will have a lot of time during the summer to write. Also! This chapter is smut..so if that is not your thing I'd skip to the middle/end-ish bc some important conversations happen. Anyways I missed you all hope you enjoy ;)

To recreate something so sacred, so divine again always seemed impossible. To revisit a place you love is to revisit a memory already spent, but when he felt Jackson’s lips on his he disproved this theory. It never felt more right, more safe than to be comforted by this boy’s lips. 

Immediately it felt as if the wind was knocked out of him from the force of their lips smashing together. An unwavering divinity of desire. He must of forgotten how unforgiving Jackson’s hips were as he felt the pressure of the other’s hip bones restraining him against the creaking wood. Mark was out of air and Jackson wanted to give it to him. This was all so wrong.

It was all too passionate for either to be rational as Jackson pushed Mark completely against this door pinning him to a point of no return. It was dirty and heated as their lips prodded at the others communicating with lips and tongue. The slick sounds of two tongues caressing each other stirred something in his gut. This felt so right. 

Mark tasted the salt from their tears that collected. It was the kiss that spoke for the five years they lost. It almost hurt the way they were both angrily pushing into each other as if an argument of who was kissing more intensely, who missed the other’s touch more. How could such a rift become such a lust. It didn’t matter at all, there was no room to think but just to feel.

Jackson opened his mouth to speak but afraid of the answer Mark just hungrily opened his own mouth wider to capture his lips again, pulling him further in. The gasp that left Jackson’s mouth was borderline a moan. Shocked at that old sound Mark opened his eyes to look at how concentrated Jackson was on kissing him. The moan was as if an old song you haven’t heard in long time, it throws you back into the moment. Mark was not going to let himself leave this moment.

“Mark-” Jackson tried to mutter between the onslaught of kisses between the two, Jackson not fully stopping to talk either. Mark just shook his head not quite sure at what Jackson was going to ask but he couldn’t stop. If he stopped he would have to own up to what was happening. He wanted to be used at this moment he wanted Jackson to push his frustrations out onto him in this moment, he wanted selfishly every part of the other. 

It was definitely a deep desire to feel the other once again. It would be a lie to say he did not miss feeling the other’s skin against his. There was only one way Mark could think to make his message clear. Shakily Mark folded his hand over Jackson’s rough one, that was pressing aggressively into the door behind his head. He then guided that hand down his own body edging it down slow and rough. Suddenly their heated kissing slowed, Jackson let go of Mark’s lips panting heavily. Mark could feel every pulse of the other’s veins, the air tense around them. Jackson eyes gazed down to the way Mark was dragging their hands down his body towards Mark’s crotch. There was no reaction to leap or stray only to press further into the other, their foreheads now touching and they just basked in the body heat of the other. Stopping right above his pants Mark let both of their hands just rest there.

It was more tense than ever in the seconds they both just stood there, hands together, waiting for one more push that would damn them both. Maybe that was what made it all more intense, more real, that they were inches apart instead of miles.

“If I do this, if I touch you…” Jackson out haled his voice course and thick. 

“I know...I know gaga just-” Mark did not expect the shakiness from his voice as another tear made its way out of the inner corner of his eye. The pet name just slipped and it snapped Jackson’s attention up from gazing at the placement of their hands.

“Say it Mark. If you say yes then I swear to god there will be nothing stopping me from taking you tonight.” The rough edge to Jackson’s voice made Mark shiver and he could not deny the way his body was reacting, it was aching, wanting to devour the other before him and there was no way he could not give in as they were both shaking. 

Jackson hand felt heavy on his lower abdomen. The anticipation for what could happen was overwhelming, it was putative. Throwing his head back Mark gave in to lust and with the most volume he could muster he muttered, “yes.”

There was no telling how or why they founded themselves in the kitchen but soon Jackson was throwing Mark against the old stocky wood table kissing him like he had never kissed him before. Mark let out a load groan throwing his head back as Jackson pushed their crouches together, rubbing so hard it clenched everything inside of Mark. He felt it all and more, he could just cry from the feeling in his stomach. 

The arousal he felt was intensely cultivating through his entire body, it was like nothing Mark had ever felt before. They were just rutting against each other like complete animals, something so deeply rooted in both of them it was aching to be released. There needed to be less clothes and they both had no time to spare, feeling the touch of the other like a lifeline. 

“Off.” Was all mark said tugging at Jackson’s belt before him, the other just bit his lip and hummed letting Mark reach forward and tug at it, the sound erotic at what it was implying. 

As soon as it was loose Jackson took a step back to take off his shirt not wanting any extra fabric to be between them and it made Mark mirror the same throwing his own shirt off to the side and propping himself up on his arms as his legs hung off the sturdy table. 

His lips felt so bitten, so raw that he could not help the irregular breaths tumbling from his mouth, his jaw slack. He forgotten how toned Jackson was and how his body felt so firm in his grasp. Being with a man had always been different to Mark, so wrong it felt right. He loved the way the other was stronger than him, he loved that he could always fight for the upper hand in their sex life and it felt as if neither truly was given a set position. It did not have to ever be that way, it could just be two people expressing their desire and sexuality to the other. And god was he sexually attracted to him. Mark at times could feel no desire, he could feel like sex was a chore. That was all till he arrived in Positano and felt the touch of someone so immaculately crafted it was what the roman poets wrote about. He could never again fault his desires for the moment the other touched him he never felt more electrified.

It was this eagerness, this want to be as vulgar as possible that urged Mark to reach forward and pull Jackson to him. He wanted to only feel good, he did not want to think he wanted to feel and be felt. Connecting their lips felt like home, it felt like pulling your warm bed sheets over your body, feeling the soft linen and old smell after being away for so long. 

Jackson let out a groan as Mark coaxed his tongue into the other’s mouth pulling him in and trying to mend for the lost years of contact. He still knew how to arouse the other, he still had the pull over him. Hungrily Jackson pulled Mark to the edge of the table so he could pull his body closer to him and the urgency that they were kissing with was dizzying both.

Pulling Mark’s zipper down quickly Jackson decided to discard the boy’s pants, throwing them off with no intention of being careful. Then he trailed his lips along the other’s jaw overstimulating him as he dipped his veiny hands into Mark’s boxers and grabbed at his throbbing dick. 

There was no helping the moan that bursted from Mark’s throat at the feeling of being touched by the boy again. Jackson began to rub Mark while mouthing at his pulse and Mark was feeling himself already getting hard just by the simple touch of Jackson. He was gripping tightly to his back as the other was thumbing at his slit pulling out every little groan from Mark. It felt so incredibly good as if the wait prolonged the desire he did not know possessed him.

When Mark reached forward in return and just felt Jackson twitch through the fabric of his boxers Mark knew in that moment he wasn’t just possessed but, possessive, of the man in front of him. So with desire ruling his fate he pushed his hand into Jackson’s boxer’s feeling him for what felt like the first time. 

It was the guttural moan that tumbled from Jackson’s lips that convinced Mark he was never going to be able to stop. He was not going to be able to let his morals consume his mind, not when that haunting sound was echoed so pleasantly. Not when he could once again feel what his body ached for.

They worked together on getting each other off. It was eerily silent besides their moans mixing between the daunting inches of their faces. It was somehow more dirty to just hear the other breathing erratically, looking to their face, and hearing those oh so slick sounds. 

“God.” Jackson grounded to himself exposing the skin of his neck as his head lulled back. It was then the opportune time for Mark to pull the boy closer and feel the pressure of his length against his own. They began instinctively grinding, hard. It was just phantom simulation for what was on the horizon.

They heat building between their bodies was making Mark feel light headed and the scent of Jackson was driving him further into anticipation ready for the heat in his stomach to catch on fire.

There was too much fabric between them and simultaneously they both pulled off their underwear in a haste. It had been so long since he had seen the boy naked it almost was shocking to once again register the way he was toned and packed a punch when it came to his size. Make felt exposed lying on the counter, arms propping himself up, feet dangling forward and toes curling in anticipation as he gazed upon the other. Jackson had this sly smirk on his face looking over to Mark and taking extra time to step out of his boxers and walk back between the other’s legs.

Their lengths were now inches apart as Jackson hovered inches from Mark only holding tightly to either side of Mark’s thighs. The anticipation was making Mark beyond antsy and Mark couldn’t help the whine that escaped as Jackson lent down to barely ghost his lips over Mark’s.

Too overwhelmed and feeling his groin strain Mark, with all he had, gripped his hands tightly into Jackson’s hair and pulled him forward smashing the other into him. With no second thoughts Jackson met him with the same fire. The same hunger that both needed to release onto the other. No longer was there this game of playing cat and mouse, it was just pure lust. The way they could not express their frustration was being brought out in this kiss. Teeth clashing so hard it made the other cringe. With each clash was a tug of the bottom lip, a bite and at one point he felt like they even spit into each other’s mouth. It was filthy what they were doing. Feeling up the other and rubbing every inch of their skin together as if they were trying to start a fire with the amount of pressure being exhorted. It was so wrong but felt so cathartic. Never more had Mark wanted to do the wrong thing.

Jackson’s hips had no mercy and in a way it was if to say ‘go to hell, you are the one that prolonged this’. And he wanted to be punished by pleasure. He wanted the rapture he held so deeply for so long. 

To know who was going to take control was always in the air for them usually just letting their passion determine. It was the compromising position Mark was in that led him to believe he was going to not be able to walk straight tomorrow so when Jackson pushed his own fingers into his mouth he felt his stomach drop again. 

Mark moaned at the view in front of him of Jackson fucking his own fingers with hooded eyes but then Mark was realizing all too fast the reality of this all. 

“I- I haven’t been with a guy...in a very long time…” Mark said breathily still high off of the feeling of Jackson’s cock rubbing up against his own. 

Jackson hummed and pulled his fingers out with a pop, “It’s okay. M’got you...I got you.” He then lent forward and pulled their heads together mumbling in into Mark’s lips over and over. Leaning back Jackson swiftly strides over to a miscellaneous drawer and began to search around in it.

Mark cannot help the harsh rising of his chest feeling exposed and having Jackson just in front of him completely rid of clothes and showing off his physique. The way his shoulders were broad and his thighs were packed with muscles all resembles a Roman god. Mark could not help the constant comparison as it was so evident. He then was snapped from his thoughts when Jackson walked towards him with some lube. The way his lips were incredibly pink contrasting in the dimly light kitchen, Mark knew he was gone for. There were only an abundance of burning candles on the window seal that lit up the space, so long forgotten the wax became watery. It was almost hard to see the other’s face but when he was meet with those deep brown eyes, Mark was quite in shock.

Jackson was before him again, he was with Jackson, he was touching him. And as the boy was spreading lube over his fingers Mark let the tears gloss over his own eyes. It was Mark who then leapt forward to distract himself, stealing another kiss. Jackson complied easily, just prodded deeply at the younger’s lips, gently feeling the plushness of the other’s mouth. With the distraction of them kissing deeply Jackson began to circle Mark’s rim.

“Fuck. It’s been-ah! A...minute.” Mark was sweating from how very tense he was. Jackson’s finger felt completely like an intrusion to his body. It had been years since he has done this. Now the tears in his eyes weren’t sentimental.

Jackson retracted his finger eyebrows furrowing in concern as he weighed his options. Vigorously Jackson pulled Mark closer to the edge of the wooden table and Mark knew what he meant to do.

The idea was apparent as Jackson lowered himself between Mark’s legs and the rush of being young and foreign to the idea was bleeding back into Mark’s subconscious. He knew how keen he was to the idea when his body began to shake as he felt Jackson’s rough hand slide along his thigh higher and higher towards the heat he felt.

When he was met with round brown eyes and heavy lids he welcomed the pit in his stomach. He knew that feeling of looking down at someone and reading their every thought and it was pushing him further into his haze. The heat in his body blurred Mark’s thoughts and his vision.

Reaching forward Mark shoves his fingers deep into the brown locks and lets himself be tethered to something, knowing how he was shaking with anticipation.

“It’s been awhile since I’ve done this.” Jackson bites his lip but does not give Mark any time to react as he leaves forward to lick from the base of his cock to his entrance in one long stripe.

Mark shivers at the contact gasping loudly at the feeling of how wet and dirty it feels to have someone else’s tongue pressing there. God it’s so filthy and that’s what fuels his desire further. He needs to keep contact, to feel the way Jackson is protruding his tongue further into Mark’s heat. Jackson retracts the action kissing sloppily around his rim causing Mark to violently shiver at the loss of the contact. Chuckling lowly Jackson then repeats the long and drawn out action letting Mark really feel the wetness of his tongue dragging against his inside shallowly.

There is no holding back the moan that rips up through his throat releasing all the pent up tension. He was feeling himself release the anxiety he has felt the entire time he stepped back into this hidden town. Now Mark hangs half off a table with Jackson between his legs eating him out as if he wants to tear him apart bit by bit. 

The continuous gasps and groans as Mark lies back out of his breath fuels Jackson’s desire further. He barely notices Jackson reinsert his finger alongside his tongue as he starts to stretch Mark out, as if for the first time. The feeling of his finger along something slick and intrusive is a confusing sensation that your body just has to react too. Jackson then pulls back and gasping, out of breath and cheekily satisfied with himself. 

Make sits up abruptly and pulls Jackson up too, harshly pulling their bodies together. “Now how does that feel?” Jackson licks his lips and then before Mark can respond he is cut off by a brash kiss. 

The only way Mark can express the need and desperation he feels is to kiss Jackson with every bit boiling inside him. He tugs at the boy’s lips roughly biting and pulling his bottom lip down as Jackson uses one hand to grip his cheek and the other is working two fingers in his hole, Mark’s body jerking forward against the table.

They are tangled in a heat so passionate it feels ancient, raw, a pure desire of two humans completely separate of thought but only of lust. Mark feels as if he is melting between the other, feeling so relieved from something he never knew was burdening him. The way Jackson is pushing at his inner walls roughly basically fucking him with only his fingers is making Mark clench and slip into a state of compliance, of freedom. But Jackson can not get but one breath in because Mark is afraid to let his lips go. They are both in sweet surrender.

Jackson pulls away in a lustful groan looking down to the way his fingers are roughly threading in and out of Mark’s body. Mark feels the possessiveness in his glare, the surreal feeling of feeling his body once again.

Shaking his head he buries his face into Mark’s neck groaning again. And mark holds the younger tightly pressing open mouth kisses to the side of his head. Dragging his lips against the other’s sweat dripping skin.

“I want this Jackson. Show me if you do too.” Mark says in a low voice that makes Jackson shudder. He’s shaking in his hold just crooning weakly into Mark’s neck. This is the last seal of their fate a unspeakable cry to each other of what they cannot find in words. They continue to rut against each other feeling both of their bodies harshly jerk against the table,

Jackson jabs his fingers as he curls them as deep as they can go hitting Mark’s prostate and causing the deepest rapture throughout Mark’s abdomen. Borderline screaming Mark’s whole body goes stiff as he tries to hold onto his last bit of sanity, not letting himself finish. But then Jackson takes the state Mark is in and pulls him further into a wistful pleasure. With an aching slow push he feels the thickness of Jackson entering him. It’s so goddamn painful but all Mark can do is bite his cheek harshly. There is no way he could ask him to stop, Mark just needed to take the pain until it was pleasure.

It has been years since he had felt another man enter him and felt his entrance be filled like this. From the cry of the intrusion Jackson stills, one arm is holding onto Mark’s waist pulling him flush against his own chest, and the other is white knuckle gripping the dark wood. The other boy is equally feel the restraint. Mark just needs to keep reminding himself to relax and not tense up so much at the feeling of something so foreign.

Jackson can tell Mark needs time so he lets him give the sign to move. There they sit breathing into each other's mouths, lips just slickly holding against each other's. It’s only when Mark pulls back and looks into Jackson’s eyes does the situation hit him.

His Jackson. His Jackson he left, he washed away from his life. He put this boy down the drain of his memories and allowed himself to forget how much he felt for him. Cupping his cheek tightly Mark let himself take in his moment. Jackson’s eyes were so full of retention, a deep longful hurt that Mark could not help the quivering of his lip. He could feel how the other’s body was trembling with reminiscence, with resent, with desire.

The only way he could say anything was to let Jackson move, let their bodies rekindle a fire that would never burn out. Let any dither Jackson felt be expressed from the claim of body to body.

“Move.” Mark commanded as sure as ever and that was the only word Jackson needed to hear.

It was still shocking at the harshness of feeling Jackson rut deeply into him sending his cells aflame. He could feel every single inch of Jackson burying in him like the pull of the tide. So strong and intentful that there was no other force that could keep the two apart.

There was no slow or careful only pure animalistic desire that drove both of them over the edge, so hyper aware of the thrust. It definitely hurt like hell, it hurt just like the first time they slept together. But to Mark the burn was satisfying it was a welcomed pain that made him feel how real this was. The ache brought him back down from the high that blurred him in the moment. 

“Jesus fuck Mark. Mark.” Jackson’s only words were a mantra of Mark’s name or a curse of disbelief which only made Mark more into a mess. Mark was no better than him completely losing control with pathetic unrestricted moans. To hear the inflection of Jackson’s deep guttural tone that only used within the sheets thrilled him. The voice of someone who, wanted every part of Mark, who would have give everything to him. That was a voice he thought he would never hear again, which only made Mark want to feel Jackson deeper inside him.

Mark could physically feel the pull of Jackson’s cock against his walls, the way he throbbed deep within him and pushed his body over and over again into the table. Jackson would have given everything to him so to repay him Mark began to push against the boy as well, pulling him further into his heat. He finally felt more stretched. 

“Let go.” Mark moaned loudly. He was gasping shakily as Jackson thrusted deeper pushing him so roughly against the table he felt the bruise forming at his tailbone. Jackson’s nails dug into the wood of the table, Mark’s dug into the flesh of his back. The Hong Kong boy was continuously and relentlessly rutting into Mark at a heightened speed. There was no controlling the way Mark clenched around him completely enthralled and turned on but the haste of their bodies.

The tizzy Jackson felt towards Mark in the situation was being released through how hard he was thrusting into the older’s body. Both suddenly felt so enraged by the other’s absence the only way they could tell the other was to feel how their bodies clashed together. Mark was letting Jackson complete drive into him with no abandon, just pure lust and frustration.

The grunts and groans from Jackson were sending Mark over the edge, he was never so turned on by the hooded eyes filled with desire, the way his body was built like a marble statue so angular and muscular, the way his lips plump and desirably parted into an o.

“Harder Jackson. I want to feel you in the morning, I want you to be unforgiving...I- I left.” The last words were to provoke him and it was hard to tell in the heat of the moment what was spurring from Mark’s thoughts. It was mostly Mark’s guilt babbling. Instead of getting angry Jackson just used both hands to grip firmly onto Mark and slow down to achingly feel every single slide, to feel the ragged heat clench. The sounds of the lube tumultuous. 

“Who has always gotten you off huh?” Jackson thrusted hard feeling their pelvic bones bruise against each other. Mark shuddered as he started to feel the edge of his orgasm building. “Who has made you feel like no other?” Jackson growled as he felt himself burying impossibly deep into Mark’s prostate causing the other to claw and wither beneath him.

“Say it Mark. Say it now.” Jackson demanded as he began to hit his prostate surely and positively. Mark was violently shaking at this point holding back his appending climax.

“You.” Mark groaned and whimpered at how much he felt everything, how alive he felt, how much it curled his toes and turned his stomach. He felt the other’s hot breath fold into his mouth and flick his tongue at the roof of his mouth. Mark claimed his lips once again coaxing out every little moan from the younger who was just as susceptible to the feeling of being inside Mark.

It’s been a while since he felt this much pressure in his lower stomach, the pressure build so intensity and prolonged to a moment of complete release. A burst of built up guilt, anger, pure regret.

Then Jackson started to push again but this time deeper and longer prolonging their mutual ache. Their bodies were like the clashing of waves, a battle of pull and push, of overlapping and dragging. _Push me further, crash into me and take me deeper._

They both started to weep in desperation feeling the need to release but waiting for the okay from the other. Then Jackson sped up, the darkness consuming them and molding them into one. There only was a harsh flicker of long burning candles and the wind harshly hitting the shudders, a rapture only they could feel in the midst of this world. 

The sounds were sending Mark spiraling from the mingle of moans, to the rough slapping of skin as they used each other's bodies, minds communicating in the fullness and shake of the others. The way the lube made squelching noises and the way that Mark felt the fullness of his cock driving in and dragging out was pushing him beyond the edge. Pulling back from a deep kiss, Mark searched out the other boy’s eyes and Jackson met his with just as much intensity. It was a look to say ‘it really is you in front of me’. They both were shocked by what was going down but they needed so badly to give into the passion, the fever. 

It felt like a fever dream looking deeply into Jackson’s ardent eyes, burning with claim, hitting so exact and prudent into Mark that it was over with one last onslaught of his prostate.

“Jackson! ”Mark shouted out his whole body convulsing so intensely he could not hold back any of the sounds tumbling rapidly from his mouth. As he trembled violently he felt Jackson releasing at the same moment going to pull out but Mark quickly hooking his legs firmly around the other’s waist and letting him cum inside him. The other moaned unrestrained crying out by the intensity of his own orgasm. “Mark!”

Mark wanted all of Jackson’s cum to seep inside him something so sacred and dirty it prolonged the throbbing Mark felt in his groin. He came untouched.

They both just absolutely collapsed into each other pulling and holding the other like they have not had any human contact in years. Jackson’s weight was lying over Mark and Mark continued to cry out from how intensely he just felt everything, he had not cummed like that in years. He was scared, so unbelievably shocked by everything that just happened he was high in blustery pleasure. 

Neither could speak, could move, could shift. It was as if their pain, their resentment was poured out in the most deemable pleasure. He was free of any thoughts just breathing in the comforting scent of someone familiar. 

They sat in silence for what felt like minutes, just high from climaxing so fervently. That was until Jackson spoke.

“You left.” Jackson mumbled, his voice distant, longful of what could not be their own. With those simple words Mark suddenly was hit was tremendous guilt, and not just from leaving Jackson.

“I-...I know.” Mark could not help the tears completely gush out from pleasure and guilt. He just felt so fufilled he had lost all sense of reality. He just completely cheated on someone he was suppose to marry. 

As Mark felt the cum from inside drip down his leg, he started to sob silently. Jackson slowly got up from lying on top of him and disappeared from the kitchen. Then after a few silent moments of just Mark’s eyes swelling from tears, Jackson walked back into the kitchen to drape a blanket around Mark’s exposed body. He did not deserve anyone’s love, he would just completely ruin it in the end. 

Jackson looked over his face and decided to walk back to the kitchen to presumably make something. Why did Mark feel so empty he could not even wield himself to talk? He knew everything but nothing at all.

It was only the sound of a coffee mug setting next to him that snapped Mark out of his haze. Jackson stood in front of him, coffee mug in hand, and his own hand woven blanket snug around his body. He looked so ruffled, so dreamy and messy Mark wanted to cry harder. He was never more confused.

There was this hesitancy to Jackson’s posture, like he wanted to comfort the other but did not want to step over a boundary as if he did not just have his dick inside Mark. Mark did not know what emotion to focus on. God, why could he not pull himself together!

Still zoning out Mark reached next to him for the warm cup of tea Jackson just made for him.

“Do you regret what just happened Mark?” Jackson’s voice cut through the air like a knife, piercing Mark’s eardrums. 

“No.” Mark was quick to reply reassuring Jackson that the adultery they just committed was not what he felt guilty about. The quick reply gave Mark the realization he was feeling guilty, not for the release he got but for how it made every cell in his body feel alive.

Hesitantly he looked to Jackson for his reaction upon registering the other’s features he realized the own gloss to his eyes.

“Did you?” 

“No.”

It was at least settled the both felt something cathartic through sleeping together. There was no way either in that moment could resist the tide. They both never felt more of a pull than in the moment Mark turned up to Jackson’s front door. That did not stop the nagging of his relationship heavily put on the table, no pun intended.

Mark’s eyes flickered over to the clock on the kitchen counter, it was very early in the morning now. But time was irrelevant at this point.

“I think we need to talk about this.” Jackson sighed not letting Mark have the conversation only in his head.

“Can I at least get down from this table.” Mark laughed giving himself pity in the moment. Jackson stayed silent and nodded turning to walk towards the stairs.

Mark followed him onto the balcony in a dreamy spell, his mind fuzzy at what happened. It was silent for a beat, both of them sitting on the cushioned lounge chairs. Jackson at the edge of his chair, leaning on his arms and Mark sat hugging his knees at the back of his. The night was still dark, sunrise not quite on the horizon. The cascades buzzed noisy in the heated summer air.

“I’m not really one to judge someone in the midst of passion but have you really not felt something like that with…” Jackson trailed off kind of bouncing his leg and looking out to the trees.

“No. I really haven’t. Not that I haven’t...you know but it has never been that intense. We’ve tried some stuff too but it always ends in one finishing but not the other.” Mark was tiptoeing around his words pathetically afraid of Jackson’s judgement. He hated himself the most right now. 

“Ah. I see, I see.” How was it that they were just so close in contact, withering in each other's arms and now the air was so awkward. “All relationships have their bumps.”

Mark scoffed at that comment making Jackson turn his head. It was hard to hold the other’s eyes, maybe because he felt like he is about to get scolded. However Jackson is no saint either in this situation. 

“Don’t tell me you are in a relationship too.” Mark smiles a little at him, pushing at Jackson’s buttons.

“Well actually-” Jackson starts but after reading the way Mark’s face drops he turns his face to laugh into the crook of his arm.

“You ass.” Mark laughs too, leaning forward to wack Jackson as the other holds up his arms in defense. Both end up smiling in amusement at the sick situation they are in. Soon the laughter turns into a mutual reminiscent smile, both reverting back to their respective chairs.

“Usually you fuck it out and then ride off into the sunset. Guess that’s easier said than done.” Jackson trails off kind of just observing Mark’s features, probably taking in the reality that he really is sitting right beside him. Even after feeling Jackson inside him he cannot read the boy’s emotions right now. He usually is much more of an open book.

“I don’t remember that saying.” Mark jokes trying to just find any comfort from the nauseousness he feels about his infidelity. What do you do about something you don’t regret but feel guilty about. The thought itself is a paradox. 

There’s a slight wind to the night making the leaves of the tree rustle. They can only hide their relationship for so long, there is movement everywhere, words travel fast, there are eyes looking through the windows. Mark feels a chill, unsure if it is the thought or the wind. He does realize however he is naked under only a blanket and he can feel the remains of their mess still on his body.

“Do you want to take a bath?” Mark mumbles and Jackson raises an eyebrow questioningly. “Just to clean ourselves.” Mark smiles gently, not implying anything else.

“As long as you keep talking to me... Do you think I poisoned your tea? You haven’t touched it since we were in the kitchen?” Jackson eyes the mug in Mark’s hands causing him to look down and realize he hasn’t touched it.

“Why don’t you.” Mark doesn’t look up from the mug watching the way the tea bag floats in the murky liquid.

“Mark...don’t say that.” Jackson sighs heavily repositioning himself so he is now on Mark’s lounge chair. Mark feels the cushion dip as Jackson goes to just sit next to him. The sudden closeness giving him another chill. 

“Don’t comfort me. I don’t deserve it. God, I’m disgusting...I- I should just go.” Mark begins to feel anxious not wanting any more of the comfort Jackson is trying to give. Jackson doesn’t deserve this, Natalie doesn’t. He truly is an excuse of a human.

Jackson grips Mark’s forearm firmly drawing his attention up from the mug to pleading brown eyes. Mark gulps at the intentful gaze Jackson is giving Mark. Why must things be so beyond fucked, if only life was more simple, things could have been simple.

“Can you just accept someone caring about you? I’m not asking for you to make any rash decisions, just- don’t go hiding in your own thoughts. If you are frustrated, if you are angry with yourself, tell me. I also just slept with you willingly, knowing about your relationship.” Jackson searches for eye contact as Mark tries to look away, “Am I a disgusting human?”

Shaking his head Mark’s jaw trembles, and then he does what feels right as he falls forward into Jackson’s arms. Gladly Jackson takes him in, holding him sturdy and tight to his chest, “It’s okay. It’s okay.” Jackson whispers, reassuring them both.

 

They eventually do end up in the bathtub, just soaking in the steaming water, not saying much. There is nothing sexual about this moment, they both just need the other there. Mark really wishes he could find more strength to comfort Jackson. This situation was just as much plaguing him with questions. Jackson was just as much apart of this. As much as he tried to stay away from Mark, they always found their way back to each other.

The only sound was the droplets from the faucet hitting the water with a patter and echoing throughout the space. It was evidently hot the steam moistening their skin and sticking the wet strands of hair on their foreheads. Mark wanted so desperately to reach forward and thread their bodies together, again loose sense of time and responsibility, but that only would bring more burden.

Their legs brush briefly as the sit opposite each other, legs intertwined, completely bare. Mark is feeling very vulnerable but it’s an oddly welcomed feeling. He feels he needs to strip back any facade and let himself just be in the moment here with Jackson. Let him see every ugly side.

Jackson’s expression has deeply been fixated on the water completely zoning out from his surrounds. The burning candles in detailed glass jars darken his expression as the orange tint flickers about his face. Maybe out of instinct Mark simple reaches out to him, placing his hand on Jackson’s knee to get some kind of mutual comfort. The darkness of the other’s expression making Mark nervous.

“This isn’t a farewell yet. We still have time.” Mark’s voice comes out small, unsure. There really isn’t time and he does not know where their relationship is supposed to go from here. But that doesn’t change the affection he feels so deeply for the boy in front of him. 

“What time do we have Mark? A few hours? A week? Five years?” Jackson says softly, meaning for it to sound accusatory. His defenses have been knocked down by the seal of their lips and now they are both just left bare. 

“I wish I knew Jacks. I’m so empty in my thoughts I have no clue what to do. I just- I wish I could go backwards in time. I feel like I just did. I went backwards, found what was missing, and then once I had it… reality caught up…” Mark’s voice tries to stay strong but wavers the more and more he feels himself coming back to his senses. 

“I understand. I wish I could have gone back to. At one point I wished I could have gone back and never met you.” Jackson’s tone is grave, it felt like a strike to Mark’s chest. “But no matter how much frustration you’ve put me through, how much heartache...It’s always been you, probably always will be. It’s hard to come to terms with being okay with seeing someone you love marry another. I’m sure other people have to go through this, let someone else claim the heart of their other half, it’s what all the great poets write about isn’t it?” 

Mark wishes he could laugh but the stinging in his eyes is preventing any other emotions to surface. He feels so weak it hurts, his heart aches for this boy he hurt. He hurt himself the most by leaving Jackson. He wants so desperately to throw away his whole life for the boy before him...but he cannot do that.

Could he just spill his guts and tell Jackson the truth of why he left? Why can’t he just get over his fear and explain the real ideology for his absence? He becomes more of a coward minute by minute soaking in the deep waters of their relationships. He wants to sink into the water and drown out any sound, just hear the muffled noise and forget any of the complications. 

“You do deserve better than me you know?” Was all Mark could muster, the truth was still the hardest to take a bite into. 

“Maybe I do. Doesn’t make me want you less.” 

That hurt more than anything he could admit. Can Jackson just make this easy and spit on him again, tell him he hates Mark so much and wants him out of his sight. Any of that would hurt less.

Mark’s eyes look up to find Jackson’s and the glossiness of his eyes and strands of his dark hair falling over his face make Mark’s heart hammer tremendously. If only Jackson wasn’t so heart wrenchingly beautiful. He really was something uncanny, unfathomable until before your own eyes. Mark was suddenly a poet, struck by a muse. The steam was making him feel dizzy with fondness.

“Here. You need your hair washed.” Mark replied softly leaning sideways to get the shampoo bottle on the ledge of the window. The switch of topic was only to push away the whole hearted devotion creeping back into his subconscious, he was scared of the past sensations he could not deny.

Jackson complied easily turning away from Mark and settling between his legs so the other could lather up his scalp. It was hard to hide the slight tremor of his hands as Mark worked his fingertips from root to the tip of Jackson’s hair. Jackson hummed pleasantly at the kneading feeling of someone else massaging his scalp.

“Are you happy here Jackson?” Mark asked the question circling his mind. Better to ask in the moment as how uncertain the future is. 

“Mmm. S’Beautiful.” Jackson mummers closing his eyes and enjoying the feeling of Mark threading his fingers through the roots of hair.

Mark was trying to ask something blunt by beating around the bush and choosing each word with care, “Do you think you’d be happier in Hong Kong?”

Jackson kind of stilled the muscles of his back tensing slightly. Mark decided to then, as best as he could, to collect the water in his palms and wash out the suds not trying to get lost in feeling of Jackson’s hair slipping between his fingers. 

“No. My place is no longer there. You know...You got to leave, start over. But I...I had to see our memories every single day. When I went to the beach, the dock, the supermarket, the hiking paths, when I went to work or even a bar… I saw you time after time. I heard your laugh, saw your smile, found your eyes...but then I realized I had nowhere else to go. I made this place my home because I fell in love with it...so I made sure to fall in love with it again. My love for Positano distracted me from the love I lost. So with each day, each hour, each minute I was allowing myself to scrub clean those memories. I moved on because that’s all you can do, I hung out with my friends, I went for longer hikes, I slept around and I found myself once again. The memories did still creep back every once in a while, but I was able to get out of bed at least.”

Again mark was silenced my Jackson’s words, the cord striking so deeply with him that he felt like some string snapped and left him unable to continue. He couldn’t read the other’s face but could only watch the steady rise and fall of his back.

“I’m sorry.” Mark said pathetically. It was all the words he could muster and he realized how much his presence must disturb the other, how he could send the other spiraling. 

“I can leave this town. I could pack up my bags tomorrow if it’s worth your peace in mind.” Mark began to stand up just wanting to flee and cry to himself. The words Jackson had said were all things he could assume, he knew the nuisance he was causing but over it all he just wanted to do whatever was best for Jackson, what he thought he was doing all those years ago.

He felt a hand grip his wrist, so tight that it kind of pained him. “Don’t leave. Not yet. I need you to not leave tonight...just tonight at least.” 

“Of course. I-I” and no man, no other worldly force could stop their mutual tears as Mark sunk back into the Luke warm water and went right to wrap his arms snugly around the other’s chest. He pulled him to him and mumbled incoherent apologies as the other shook in silent sobs against him.

He was going to hold him. And Mark stifled his own cries to let the other have the moment, he was only there to be a warm embrace. Mark knew he could never truly be happy without Jackson but at what cost was their love fought. He knew it would be a battle to choose Jackson, to leave it behind. It was not possible, not if the man who drove them apart was to return. And he would soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun dunnnn... There is a big character/ plot point coming so hold on tight everyone. ALSO please please leave some comments they are what make me happy and want to write plus they really brighten my day. Love you all


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helloo I'm back again sorry for the wait. I guess I'm a slower writer than I thought. Hope everyone is enjoying the start of summer. And since I have last posted GOT7 are back make sure you go vote on idol champ and watch eclipse ;). I'm in loooove with this album my astrology ass is living. Anways enjoy!!

It was not ideal for Mark to find himself on the tops of the cliffs of Capri surrounded by Natalie and her pet. Capri was a small island about thirty minutes by boat ride from the mainland. After a nauseating journey from the rough and grey seas Mark almost threw up a few times at lunch. He kept gazing to Natalie as if she would kick him or declare him damnable. She was blissful unaware and a public restaurant was not the time or place to reveal any infidelity to your soon to be wife.

Yet Natalie persisted to be immersed in the awes of the island. She had many ideas on what to do and see yet Mark had to keep reminding her they could come back since it was only the beginning of this seemingly long, long summer. The sun finally began to filter through the clouds in harsh stripes giving light to the colorful center of the town. The couple walked along to the edge of the roads where they hailed a cab to the other side of the island. They planned to reach the top of the cliffs to meet Enzo where he would create another lame photoshoot in Natalie’s honor.

After a chairlift and many steps they reached a peak that looked over the swooping vegetation cover cliffs that met the clashing wave caps. It was so peaceful Mark felt in a trance as he walked along the blunt edge towards a field of open grass. Enzo seemed to be posing, just in standing there as if he was a statue looking out to the grassy field and natural arched rocks seeded in the water. The way he was posing forced Mark to roll his eyes deeply, like this man hadn’t seen the view hundreds of times being on this coast.

Mark couldn’t be sure exactly what possessed him to invite Jackson to come but it was most likely due to the fact his romantic feelings past, or present for the boy were consuming much of his thought. Every since he arrived home early that morning with bagels and coffee there had not been any suspicion he did not spend the night in that hotel. He felt every kiss linger and spread across his skin like a irritable rash that was impossible to ignore. Every time Natalie would lean in for a kiss he hoped to god he wouldn’t imagine someone else. This led to an intense wish for the boy’s presence, nothing more but for Jackson to stand close to Mark. In a dire whim he had texted the Jackson that he planned to take a ferry to Capri. After waiting an agonizing full hour Jackson replied with ‘I have a shift at work’. It was understandable and there was no reason for Mark to gloat about it but still he found himself unreasonably bitter.

“Mark why are you walking so funny?” Natalie piped up from beside him, redoing her lipstick in a handheld mirror.

It took everything in Mark not to spit out the water he should took a large sip of “Why do you say that?” mark swallowed a little too harshly.

Now that he thought about it he was incredibly sore from last night, the dick up his ass was definitely the cause of that.

“You were always a good few feet behind me waddling like had just worked out for a week straight.” Natalie laughed not seeming too concern for the exact reason of Mark’s inability to walk straight.

“It’s these stairs Nat. Everywhere we go on this damn coast requires me to walk a ridiculous amount.” Mark leans harshly against the bark of tree behind him trying to steady his thoughts from the dirty truth.

Natalie then leans over and breaks off the branch just adjacent to Mark, the loud crack dramatic in Mark’s ear, “Or it’s just the stick up your ass.” She says in a taunting whisper.

Her words send shivers down his spine for how blissfully unaware she is of the truth. The way he has to force a laugh to hide any ounce of arousal and fear feels so foreign he turns his head to look even more guilty.

“No stick Nat. I’m enjoying myself here.” Mark tried to change the topic hugging his arms closer to his chest in worry.

“Me too. It’s beautiful on this island, we still have to see those blue lagoons in the caves, or shop at the market or take a boat around the cliffs. I have plans Mark Tuan.” She slowly inched her hands up from the bottom of his torso to his shoulders finding his eyes in a smitten sort of way. All that ran through Mark’s mind was the betrayal on his tongue and how he wished he could look into a certain pair of brown eyes.

“Do you find it boring to watch me pose repeatedly?” Natalie jokes tucking a loose strand neatly behind her ear. She steps back from him to pose in a dramatic way arching her back in a C shape.

Mark can’t help the soft giggle that does escape his lips, he tries to hide the sting behind his grueling thoughts. She’s done plenty to him, cheated on him extensively at the beginning of their relationship, yet this does not make any of it right.

As he walks up to her standing fondly in a summer patterned dress there is something that stirs in Mark as longful. He can’t help how lost he feels threading his fingers into the soft strands of her hair, she looks up to him with something unreadable. Maybe he does miss what they were at the beginning of their relationship, feeling fond for someone he thought understood him. Holding secrets from people always creates distance, you can physically feel any rift that may be there. Expect she has no idea the secret he is holding.

“Enjoy your shoot Nat. I am just happy if you are…” Mark places a gentle kiss to her forehead and leaves her to prepare. Finding the nearest large rock Mark perches himself near the abundance of trees that look over the open area. They are at one of the highest points of Capri that overlooks the white houses littered in the distance. 

The soft winds and nearing clouds promises a storm in the near future. Maybe there is a storm metaphorical and literal on the horizon for them all. Mark is dreading the downpour either way. 

Seeing Enzo set up his camera and playfully caressing Natalie’s arm is a blatant sign that Mark should be the one doing that. He should be playful with his fiance. But only what comes to mind is that Jackson is across the sea and he feels a deep need to hold him close again.

It was adolescence the way Mark was thinking of meeting up with Jackson and leaving the other’s to their photoshoot. He flipped his phone in his lap mulling over the idea of Jackson catching the nearest ferry and rescuing him from reality once again. There was complete indifference to Mark’s thoughts, he probably should have felt more towards the situation.

Enzo’s endless compliments were hard to drown out as much as Mark tried to zone out, “Bellissima! Chin down a little, yes! Wait right there.”

It was now about three thirty and Jackson’s shift should end roughly at four, but who was counting at this point. It was irresponsible to wait so intensely for a boy that was far from being his. That didn’t make Mark want to see his face any less.

The sun continued to find it’s way in and out of the clouds that it never was to the point that it stayed sunny for more than five minutes. Finding his way back after at least thirty minutes of waiting Mark walked up to stand watchful behind Enzo’s shoulder. 

Crossing his arms Mark sniffled loudly causing the italian man to jump back becoming aware of the other’s presence. Giving a slight nod Enzo jumps right back into the shoot. “Want to see a professional shoot up close Tuan?” he poked.

“Seen one before. Just observing.” Mark remarked standing still as he watched Natalie bend her body in unique ways as if this was the cover of Vogue. When being shot on camera there was this trust that had to be built between a model and photographer to get the best shots. Not to say that any photographer and model couldn’t just collab but there was something hidden and pertinent to a creative bond. Mark use to have that with Jackson.

“Anyone legit?” Enzo asked between takes taking a step back to scroll through some shots on his canon camera. 

Mark hums in reply spacing out again, “Just a friend. But his photos are remarkable, definitely has an eye.” 

“Who are you talking about Mark?” Natalie pipes up from a few yards away holding her dress so it doesn’t get carried up into the wind. Was it better to lie and claim it was someone she did not know or to say the actual name on the tip of his tongue. 

After the hesitancy to answer Enzo cut the silence with a “Well whoever it is they do not have the model I do!” 

After a clearly flattered laugh and some humble response from Natalie Mark decided he could not stand here in the wind any longer feeling the undeniable tension linger ridiculously. 

“You're a great model Nat. I’m glad you found some useful work on this trip, really.” Mark tried to be a sincere because he did mean what he was saying but everything was clouding his judgement. 

“Thanks babe. Maybe we could get some couple shots?” Natalie suggested trying to bridge the obvious body language rift between Enzo and Mark.

It was beginning to become increasingly more difficult to keep a straight face. There was so much wrong with what was happening before him that the only escapism that would make sense was for him to leave the situation entirely.

“I’ll meet you guys back down by the docks let me know when the photoshoot is over.” Mark replied simply going over to grab his jacket next to the grey rock. There was a slight protest by Natalie but any nagging from her just felt unnecessary. 

When he descended the stairs, and got on the chair lift down from the top of the cliff there was a sense of relief Mark hated to admit. He just wanted to think without an obvious block, what was the next step in the storm he brew? Did he profusely apologize to everyone he involved or did he decide it was okay to be selfish for a bit of time?

The long chair lift ride from the top of Capri towards the town was a good moment of release. The heights revealed so many little homes littering across the island, it was peaceful to watch the rolling cloud complementing the white detailed homes. His feet hung freely from the chair he sat in making it easy to drop a shoe right on the grass below. As the chairlift descended Mark spotted little gardens filled with orange and pink flowers and overgrown crops lining the grassy floor, it made Mark only focus on the little things for a bit. 

 

It was not a secret that Mark was still hoping Jackson would make it over to the island even though the day was winding down. Just for a moment Mark would like to pretend he was younger and less troubled. Another part wishes Jackson would push him away, but that part of him would never let it happen, he cared too much for his eyes.

Standing in front of the dock where the ferry’s rolled in and out of the bay Mark thought for a moment that being alone may be what he truly needs. He does not seem to be able to hold a relationship so maybe he should just be lonesome on some random island off of Italy. 

After thirty five minutes of waiting by the sea soaked docks it is beginning to become hopeless that Jackson will show up. So naturally Mark wanders back to the shops to look at some little souvenirs in the hidden family run tourist spots. That’s until he walks by a bakery and hears someone familiar. 

The head of hair is unmistakable the way it fans out so smooth and thick, hearing that laugh always can stutter Mark’s heart. Jackson stands with his back to Mark in a deep discussion with the cashier who is laughing at his antics. Leaning against the open doorway Mark decides to just watch the interaction from a fond distance, feeling giddy about the other boy making it over to Capri.

There is a natural air to the other that only a few people Mark has met possess, just the most likeable quality that infuriates you from how unaware the owner is of it. Maybe if time could slow down he could just observe Jackson and not interrupt his thoughts, not push himself back into the others life. But who ever said Mark could resist that quality Jackson has?

“Are you sure you don’t have that one scone? The one with the-the fig filling or something. No! I’m not lying I’ve been here before. I swear, I swear.” Jackson rambles laughing between every comment he makes the girl blushing at the way he is leaning over the countertop. 

From daydreaming about Jackson Mark does not realize there is a woman trying to sneak pass him. Obviously taking up a majority of the little doorway, he apologized and moved out of the way.

“It’s for some-” Jackson turns around right towards the doorway to see Mark smiling at him. After blinking a few times out of disbelief he shakes his head and turns back to the girl smirking, “For him.” 

Approaching the cash register Mark laughs at Jackson’s discord over trying to get him one of his favorites sweets. He cannot deny the slight flutter in his stomach from the simple action.

“Sorry to ruin the surprise. I guess my Jackson radar was on when I wandered around the docks waiting for you.” Mark breathes in deeply throwing his arms up in a ‘I’m not really sorry’ way.

“I was going to surprise you. With a treat too, completely sunk my plan.” Jackson clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth playfully. The air between them was surprisingly easygoing and there was not one cell in Mark that wanted to put a damper on that. The clouds passed briefly to reveal some warm evening light that basked the shop in a orange glow and hazey shadows.

“Well to tell you the truth...” Jackson leaning against the display glass then inched towards Mark’s ear, clearly smug, and whispers “They were out of your favorite scone.”

“Heard that” Mark sucked in the air through his teeth make a ‘tsk’ sound,”Real shame could of gone for a fig.” 

Closing his eyes disapprovingly Jackson then blinked looking up to the ceiling, “I knew it was fig.”

 

They found themselves getting a late afternoon cappuccino and walking along the side of road until the found a remote area to sit on the grass and look out at the bay. Jackson’s body language gave him the impression there was a clear apprehension but yet they still talked so casually with banter Mark was afraid to mispeak and ruin the moment.

As long as they could both keep conversation light they could just enjoy the other’s presence, being close to someone that calmed you and ignited your senses. He found himself very comforted knee to knee under some tree, holding the warm coffee, and listening to Jackson talk about his shift. There was no need for any elaboration and as much as Mark wishes he could just reach to his left and thread his fingers into Jacksons’s, he didn’t need to. He just needed the husky voice and the swirling storm in the distance to look at.

“I think I’m immune to pizza at this point. The amount of times someone orders a margarita pizza in a day is ridiculous. No one cares to spice it up, it is mostly tourist so why not try something fun you can get a margarita pizza- literally at any restaurant.” Jackson rambles expressions animated as ever like the old Jackson he grew to know. Something seemed to switch from the night they had and the cold Jackson demeanor was beginning to melt. 

Mark more than anyone knew the more serious side to Jackson that he only showed behind closed doors. He was always someone to think deeply about something, never taking decisions lightly. It made Mark love him more. It made him fall deeper into infatuation from the sincerity and provoking nature of his thoughts. But oh how did he love the amiable Jackson too.

“I’d probably order margarita pizza too.” Mark snarked just to see Jackson roll his eyes at him. Getting up dramatically Jackson pretends to leave and a high pitch laugh escapes Mark.

“You are saying that to rile me up and I refuse to accept your boring taste in pizza.” Jackson scoffed sipping the warm liquid and smiling silently to himself. The hot air and consistent wind was solace to Mark.

Nudging him with his knee Mark bit his lip at the toothy smile Jackson wore. It felt good to just observe him closely, to hide in plain sight.

“Says the man who is in a country that is surrounded by carbs and barely eats them. Do you get tired of your salads with extra cheese?” Mark was now trying to milk that smile from the other.

Closing his eyes Jackson gently rested his hand on his chest in offense, “I would like to inform you that I’ve had an uptake in carb consumption.” 

“News to me, I felt like whenever I ate with you I was doing something wrong.”

“You somehow still got buff.” Jackson gently nudged Mark’s arm to emphasize his point and in all honesty he did have a fast metabolism. 

“Glad you are enjoying some carbs Jacks.” Mark smiles at him somehow making the words so much softer and affectionate, like when your voice has less vibrato right before bed. That makes Jackson’s attention to turn to him and he was met with a equally fond expression. It shouldn’t matter but in that moment Mark would have done anything to lean forward and touch their lips together. 

The gaze the gave one another stalled the conversion taking more time just to smile gently at the other, Jackson’s eyes roaming the different valley’s of Marks face. Every once and awhile the wind would brush his face and cool the undenying blush. In the distance the clouds now began to grow darker, an inevitable storm to come but part of him wished for it to rain on him, he knew he liked rain and so did Jackson.

The way the grass tickled their ankles and their surroundings created such a winsome atmosphere it was impossible not to feel warm deep in his gut. Testing out the air between them Mark began to lean towards Jackson, fixated on the plump and slightly chapped lips in front of him. When Jackson made no attempt to lean in or away Mark just kept closing the distance not halting the movement. Ever so slight he pressed his lips against the other boy’s tentatively, just a taste. Jackson made no move to pull away just letting Mark gently nudge his lips against his own. Mark could taste a hint of chapstick and he wanted more. The kiss was so hesitant that the action made Mark’s stomach flutter as Jackson gently began to stimulate Mark’s lips with his. It was just a gentle pucker back and forth feeling the warmth and wetness of another pair of lips, not at all fast but achingly slow. Somehow the slower speed made Mark feel even more worn out.

He swore he did not go in with the intention of kissing Jackson again but here he found himself wanting more than ever to capture the deep pink lips once again. It was like jumping off a cliff into the water, you were bound to reach the water when gravity had a say. So it could be easy then to just blame gravity for pulling Jackson to him.

They maneuvered around so the cappuccinos were placed on a semi flat rock behind Jackson and Mark was pressed into the tall grass, sinking into the environment. They continued only to kiss with aching patience, it felt nice to just to melt their bodies together feeling a throbbing ache in his lower belly, his heart, his head. Nothing ever matter but the slick sound of their lips caressing the other in content. 

Mark pulled back just to hold Jackson’s face in his hands and feel every pore and edge of his face, it was real. All of it. Jackson was slightly pouting at the lack of contact his brown eyes sparkling even in the midst of the overcast sky. But Mark just smiled up at him, nostalgic is his arms.

Feeling the tall grass tickle at his cheek Mark tried to turn his head but Jackson just took his palm and flattened any taller weed surrounding his cheeks. It was the simple action that made Mark feel so affection and he couldn’t help but reach up and trace the outline of Jackson’s temple. He was grateful to have any moment with him. 

“God help me.” Jackson mumbles before leaning forward to tuck his face in between Mark’s shoulder and neck. And all Mark could think is God help me too.

Humming at the contact of Jackson’s breath against his neck, it was beyond comforting to just allow his body to lay heavily on him like a blanket. Subconsciously Mark began to play with the thick hairs at the base of Jackson’s neck.

“I’ll defend you from any grass that dares to touch you again.” Jackson huffs into the crook of Mark’s neck causing Mark to burst out laughing. He was hit with the kind of laughter that tickles your funny bone and prolongs longer than it should. The breathy and heavy laughter causing Jackson to laugh along with him, the two just in the grass enjoying the mingling of laughs.

Begrudgingly Jackson lifted himself up with his arms to grab the coffee on the rock and sit back down looking out to the deep navy sea. The waves began to crash more harshly in preparation for a spiritual storm. 

“We should find somewhere before the rain hits.” Jackson mumbles enjoying the view of the incoming clouds, dark and heavy. Mark hums in agreement but makes no move to get up from lying in the grass. The swirling of clouds above him is calming and he knows it sensible to find some shelter since getting on a boat to Positano would be a mistake but he can’t help but not want to leave this spot. He was able to create a new happy moment here, a moment not tainted by what is or is not.

Sitting up there was always this pit in his stomach every time he went to touch the other. He could not help the nerves and gamble he took in reaching out for affection, as if he did not just kiss him. The affection always use to be more heavily from Jackson but now Mark was the one who felt the need to constantly reach out for Jackson.

Softly Mark placed a kiss at the name of Jackson’s neck, still wondering the boundaries they established. Resting his head then on the boy’s shoulder he began to envision them a lot older. He envisioned them married, forty two with two kids, no three for Jackson he always liked kids, and both in two completely different places in their lives. How would it feel to not run into him five years later but twenty two years later already having lived a life without the other. It made Mark feel completely bare and shiver at the thought. He was not sure what he was implying but how late was it for them? 

Although Jackson made the comment they should seek shelter he was the one that did not move. The clouds seemed to mold and smother into the mountainous views and the dark grey sea was quite calming to look at. It was as if someone took deep grey and blue paint and just blended the colors together. Putting his feet on either side of Jackson and snaking his arms around his waist they both sat in silence watching a few strikes of lighting in the distance the air hot and active. It was nearly overhead and it seemed that within a few moments they both would be soaked. 

“Do you have somewhere we could go?” Mark mumbles feeling a feel raindrops fall against his skin and the leaves begin to rustle wildly. 

The wind harshly blows through the surrounding trees, bending them and shifting the leaves in hidden murmurs. The trees know his secrets, they whisper and blow them out of his hands.

“I have a few places we could...I don’t know if we should.” Jackson caution caused Mark to tense his arms. Is he asking for him to leave? The whiplash was always an innate fear that Mark could not out run.

“I understand. This is-” Mark starts slowly retracting his hands from the other’s waist but then Jackson grabs them firmly.

“I can’t help but want you Mark. It truly disturbs me how much I do. It feels like some illusion every time I hear your voice, see your eyes, feel you near. I don’t know if I should let you so close but that does not stop me from wanting every part of you.” Jackson shakes his head pulling Mark’s arms as close to his body as he can. Mark places a gentle kiss to Jackson’s earlobe and lets the other rest, thunder rolling in the distance.

“If you need me to disappear I will Jacks. I’ll do it if that helps, I’ll drown myself in the sea for you in all honesty.” Mark tries to hide in his scent, in his presence. He thought _Let me hold onto this moment._

Jackson considers his words and gently lays his hands over the arms threaded around his waist pulling them apart so he can turn around to face Mark. “I have somewhere we can go.”

 

The rain is laying down in thick sheets completely covering the small town of Capri and making anywhere outside unbearable. Jackson knew of this tiny family run restaurant off the main town square that was dimly lit and quaint. It was pretty crowded since everyone on the island had taken shelter at this point. 

Walking in Mark smoothed out his soaking wet hair, shivering slightly. It felt weird walking into restaurants like these and not being Jackson’s other half. Usually Jackson would be so excited to tell all the owners about Mark, Jackson knew so many of these little old italian men and women that it was incredibly endearing. They would always be so interested in Jackson’s American friend. It always ended with Jackson putting his arm around Mark’s waist or threading their fingers together and it excited Mark each time to know that at the end of the day they belonged to each other.

Now it felt like two friends that just met at an event and had no one else to go with. The whole restaurant was crowded with families and couples chatting so loudly the laughs made it impossible to hear the person next to you. It was painted a deep burgundy and had most of the light come from yellow candle operas in the center of the tables. It made Mark smile reminiscently. They gave their jackets to a little nook to the side where someone was hanging them up and Jackson ushered Mark to follow him to the back of the restaurant towards the bar. Once they got there someone immediately recognized Jackson throwing their hands up and shouting “Bro!!”

“What’s up.” Jackson said in slick, low accent that made any ladies, and Mark’s, stomach churn.

“What brought you to Capri I feel like I haven’t seen you in a while.” A loud thunder crack seemed to shake the house. Everyone but Mark, who jumped a few feet, ignored it.

“I’ve been busy working but I promised I’d come back didn’t I?” Jackson smiled and then pulled Mark forward towards the bar as the boy was lurking awkwardly behind him. “Oh and this is Mark. An old friend.” 

“Nice to meet you Mark. I’m Mauro.” The bartender said reaching his hand over the counter to shake Mark’s in which he gripped firmly smiling up to him.

“Good to meet you bro.” Mark replied firmly. He was being introduced as a friend to Jackson and it is better to prepare himself with that, to remind himself they were friends.

“Hey could we hang out in the back if that’s alright I don’t know if it’s taken yet or?” Jackson suddenly prods seeming a little jumpy. “It’s totally fine if it is already.”

The guy looks questioningly to Jackson but then shrugs, “I mean surprisingly not yet, even though we have a full house. You are welcome to it.” 

“Seriously thank you so much Mauro.” Jackson then leaps forward and presses a wet kiss to his cheek. In which Mauro makes an audible yuck sound and Mark cannot help but chuckle at the sight. 

“Don’t make me take it back!” Shouts Mauro as Jackson rapidly pulls Mark around the twisting tables and people and down a few stairs to this area that is separated by some hanging beads. After they pull back the beads Mark is shown to a room that goes back to a little table by a stained glass window and another one of the candle operas. A big red rug with a lot of detail is in the middle and one of those old wooden records is tucked in the corner. It was strangely romantic. Putting his arms out Jackson seemed pleased with his choice of ‘somewhere they could go’. 

“Is this where you murder me Jackson?” Mark said sarcastically but with a smile on his face as he took time to look at how old and special this little hideaway was.

Jokingly Jackson put his finger to his throat and cut it with a sound effect walking right up to Mark’s face in which Mark pushed him away playfully. “Idiot.”

“You are.” Jackson stuck his tongue out in an adolescent way in which Mark just wanted to tackle him to the ground and do something dirty under the candle glow with rain hitting the tinted glass. That idea really was stuck in his head now causing an unwelcome stir.

“Are you hungry?” Jackson wiggled his eyebrow gesturing to the table. Mark guesses he wouldn’t mind sitting in the main area but this was somehow so much better. His appetite wasn’t really there but he nodded nonetheless.

“How is a waiter going to know if we are here or not.” Mark commented looking towards the beaded entrance and then feeling a buzz in his pocket. Time must have gotten away from him because he had yet to really wonder where Natalie was during all this.

“This area is usually for private business encounters and stuff. A waiter always comes just give it a few minutes.” Jackson wets his lips already scanning the menu. It seems like he’s been here already but Mark doesn’t comment.

Looking to his phone there are a few messages from Natalie and one missed call. It’s increasing obvious he kind of just ditched her and Enzo but he hates that he is not that regretful about it. Opening them she basically just shared her location and said they took shelter up at a bar on the other side of the island. Kind of mindlessly he just typed back ‘meet up after the storm clears?’ and set his phone down.

Jackson now was looking to Mark instead of the menu his eyes sparkling with something longful. Mark just smiled back not touching the topic unless asked about it. He was appreciating just enjoying Jackson’s company. He wished the rain would rain fury on the island and prevent any pathway away from this little restaurant.

“I’ll just have whatever you are having.” Mark suggested not really wanting to scan the menu when he could just allow Jackson to make the decisions. 

“I have not missed that indifference.” Jackson huffs and Mark kicks his shin under the table. “Ow! Feisty, jesus.”

“Fine I’ll get something different if you insist.” Mark rolled his eyes but couldn’t help the little smile forming from Jackson also smiling to himself.

Finally he heard the beads rustles and a waiter walk through to take their order. She walked up and look at the both of them for a moment, a little longer on Jackson, before she perked up and asked for their order. Maybe it was attraction, the stare was a little odd. “What can I get you guys today?”

“l'impepata di cozze and all'acqua pazza with the house wine graize.” Jackson commented licking his lips again but allowing a shit eating grin to spread across them when he ended up ordering for Mark anyways. After the waitress left the room they both laughed at the liberty Jackson took.

“We could have really just sat out in the main area.” Mark scrunched his nose feeling a little like they were hiding. Being tucked away seemed much more like they were keeping something.

“That’s fair. But now we have all this free space.” Jackson gestures to the crowded space full of old cabinets and storage that has not been used in a while. It was no doubt charming though with the way the candle light gave glow to the space, the storm darkening any light from the window.

Spontaneous as ever Jackson gets up and walks towards the center of the room positioning himself right in the middle of the red embroidered carpet. He looks to be waiting for Mark to make a move in which he does not, instead he just stares at the boy eyebrows raised in anticipation.

“You know what they use to use these rooms for right? The owner had a long chat with me about how he use to take girls back here and dance with them to his old records after closing. The romantic in me always liked that idea. He was a little bit of a greaseball but the thought counts.” Jackson’s voice is smooth and deep calming the ignited nerves Mark feels. There was the pang in his gut of something remincist. Jackson use to tell him stories and tidbits to this calabar on the regular five years ago. He missed the informative rambles he used to get.

“So if you do not dance with me to these old italian records I swear I will swim home in the rain.” Jackson bluffs walking over to the little records player in the corner and digs around at the dusty selection to the side. The dull light reflects in the hazy mirror next to him and Mark decids to let himself not worry about anything outside of this room for a bit. He could grant himself as much.

As Mark got up and walked over to the other it always tripped him out at how beautiful the other’s features were. It was intimidating how attractive Jackson was. Not that Mark was hiding his attraction by any means. If only he could have held onto something so beautiful, he was always proud to be the one to hold him.

There was this constant air of hesitancy no matter how intimate they had been in the last twenty four hours. One would make a move and the other would counter it subconsciously. It took a few bold moments for them to mold together but just like a swinging pendulum they would part again.

After finally putting the pin on some random record and a series of horrendous crackles a slow song began to fill the small cluttered space. Jackson always had an ear for music, as did Mark, it was something they bonded over often. A lot of the time they would just lay in the grass of Jackson’s lawn with some kind of alcoholic lemonade and show each other different songs. 

The smooth and deep italian voice that waned and crescendoed made Jackson close his eyes and sway back and forth gently, he looked at peace. In all honesty he could just be content watching the other boy enjoy the music. He couldn’t help the warm wash of emotions hugging him like a blanket. Jackson’s eyelashes fluttering against his illuminated skin and the slight hum from his closed lips was enough to twitter Mark’s heart. 

Getting equally lost in the music and the thumping of his heart, Mark shut his eyes only to feel a hand slide around his back and another into his hand. Snapping them open in a startling way Mark was met with a alluring grin as Jackson that hovered incredibly close. They were about the same height so he looked him dead in the eyes but it took Mark a whole thirty seconds to understand that he meant for them to slow dance.

He felt like he didn’t deserve Jackson’s charms or romance but Mark was selfish enough to accept the weight of his hands, the tang of his cologne, the swaying of their bodies. At first it was mostly for fun as Jackson lead them, bouncing around the small space in countless circles to cause a fit of loud laughs from Mark’s mouth. It was more of a full on routine than a gentle dance at first but that came with the property. 

However after Mark was spun around Jackson caught him more brash against his chest. Suddenly the moment grew even more intimate. It felt nice to just be in the moment, there, against the hard chest of his past lover. Their equally rough hands clasped together resting between them and their dance reduced to a gentle sway. In the background Mark could hear the rain hitting the colored glass window over the hum of the dusty record playing. He allowed himself to just close his eyes enamored with the company of the other. 

He felt the burn of the others eyes just from an increasingly awareness of someone looking right towards him. Their heads barely brushing as Mark was leaning towards one side of Jackson’s shoulders. Opening his eyes Mark caught the round brown eyes looking forward towards the window behind his head. They were slightly glossy but it was hard to tell the emotion and sentiment behind them. 

“What are you thinking.” Mark mumbles softly letting himself take in Jackson’s expressions eyebrows creasing and eyes searching the warm room, they continued to sway.

“This feels so natural. So familiar. How much time really did pass? Do we know each other anymore?” Jackson chews on his cheek avoiding Mark’s eye contact but nonetheless squeezing their hands tightly like a needle and a thread. 

“We might have different experiences now but... I was sure of you. I always will be...It doesn’t matter where we end up. We might have not worked out but that doesn’t mean I won’t still...feel something when I’m with you.” After the words tumbled from his mouth he felt a pang of loss at the idea. He is supposed to marry someone, he proposed to someone else.

“You know it would be much easier to just leave you.” Jackson huffs out a weak laugh but doesn’t loosen his grip around Mark’s waist and Mark simply leans further into the warmth of the other, like a safety blanket.

“Do you want that?” Mark bites his lip, curious of the response. He wants to respect Jackson’s boundaries as much as he can in this situation, part of whatever they are doing is the constant insecurity. And what a situation they are subjecting themselves to.

Weighing his options Jackson finally looks back to Mark in his arms understanding their proximity and position. His lip twitches in at first a frown but the intimidating gaze he holds with Mark lightens the more he looks over his face. 

“I want moments. Only moments, I don’t want to think about responsibility. That will only send me deeper. Let’s live in moments and I’ll tell you if I want you gone.” There was a finality to Jackson’s answer that seemed fair. Mark felt out of body in that moment and he decided that none of his thoughts would leave this room.

They spent a few more moments in comfort, in silence and retrospect. The distance of rain and records was the score, the melody between truth and truce.

“I owe you a lot Jackson.” Mark let his hand rake slowly up and down the other’s spine it made Jackson shiver.

“Maybe. I hid a lot from you as well.” Jackson at these times would enter deep thought. He was always on the edge of some internal crisis.

“I really pushed away my feelings during my first visit here. It’s hard to unlock what I even was thinking, my thought process was clouded by bad judgement.”

“Do you wish you could change anything.” 

“Yes.”

That was the truth and overthinking was Mark’s specialty.

The rain really smoothed over the bitter emotions leaving the two to again feel comfort in the small room hidden away from the world and judgement. In that moment all Mark wanted more than anything was to see a gentle smile.

Pulling back he found the younger’s eyes fully, no side glance. Mark did not let go of Jackson’s hand so he just repositioned them so now Mark was leading the gentle swaying, “You know I use to go to art galleries every few months. I always hoped I would see some of your photos.” 

Jackson was trying not to smile wide and toothy his lips wavering a little. “Oh. That was always just a hobby.” He dismissed.

“I always loved your photography. I urged for you to submit to galleries and showcases and stuff, I think you would have gotten in.” Mark looked more serious than he meant to be, his tone was light and feathery. He was quite serious about the photos Jackson would take. Mark remembers rummaging through the stashes of photos just lying around the house Jackson stays at. Every photo was so vivid and filled was such nostalgic haze that the photos were like a metaphoric form of well written prose.

“I actually did, eventually. Some with you as the subject...you weren’t half bad as a model.” The cocky grin from Jackson was contagious as he thought back to their copious amounts of photoshoots, some probably not appropriate for the light of day. It was quite thrilling to pose for someone in such vulnerable positions especially someone you felt fondly for.

“Hopefully not the ones of me exposed.” Mark raises his eyebrows to the boy who bursts into his signature mischievous smile, the kind that warms your heart and implies mayhem ahead. “Jackson!” Mark barks at the man.

“No not those, that’s a personal stash.” Jackson jokes milking out a laugh from Mark. It feels nice whenever they are able to develop some playful banter.

The next song the leaks out from the old record player is slower than the other songs. The sound is like watching the last bit of honey pour down the side of the bottle. Maybe the stillness in the air mixed with the rising of Jackson’s chest influenced the mood but suddenly it was harder to resist the urge to claim the body of the being in front of him. The tension weighing the atmosphere thick and pertinent. Mark just wanted to sigh deeply and feel the expanse of Jackson’s skin mending to his. Still they held their hands close between them, both afraid to part, both unsure what the unsaid air meant.

Mark was very aware of how Jackson’s eyes lingered on his own lips, how he was one heavy space away from letting go. Mark also was aware their food could arrive at any moment. His skin tingled with anticipation when Jackson appeared to be leaning in. The rain was beginning to rain down heavier drowning out Mark’s many contemplations.

Jackson’s lips barely brushed Mark’s parted ones before he said into his mouth, “Only in moments.” 

There was no stopping the moan of anticipation and the crack of thunder when they both collided. The slow music did not match the tempo of their kiss as they were no longer exploring the feeling of each other's mouths but now it was a lust for the years they missed. Immediately Mark’s hand went for Jackson’s crotch kneading at the fabric. How much burning passive behavior could be tolerated before they both imploded. It was a mess of grabbing hair and crashing teeth that made them cringe and seethe to the other.

“Don’t stop. Please.” Mark was a mess his head completely mush to the feel of Jackson's lips prodding and searching Mark’s mouth. 

It was rough and dirty and they both wanted more of it. Mark bit harshly at Jackson’s lip which causes him to wince and then immediately Jackson pushed his tongue further into Mark’s mouth in retaliation. Mark swallowed the groans from Jackson and he felt something deep in his gut from the slick sounds of lips that would toil and pucker against each other.

Anyone could walk in it was dangerous but it made Mark feel more alive. The plump lips of Jackson were roaming so much of Mark’s hot skin, wetting his neck like the rain wet the pavement.

“Mark.” Jackson’s raspy voice mumbled his skin also on fire, his hands roaming further down Mark’s body. There was a promise in the air for something unspeakable again. There was so much built up against. When suddenly they both heard footsteps.

Like touching a flame they were on opposite sides of the room Jackson striding over to the record player and Mark walking right over to sit down at the table, ashamed and riled up.

They expected the waiter to walk in with their food but someone else walked in. Someone much worse. Mark’s blood ran cold and the air suffocated him. This was not happening, not right now. He wanted to escape, to cry, to complete shrink into nothing. The pungent smell of old cologne and cigarettes filled the tiny soiled room.

“Do my eyes deceive me or is that Mark Tuan?” a horrid rough voice rung across the room.  
The man he never wanted to see again, the man who blackmailed Mark to leave Italy all those years ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHHHH big plot point and an anwser for questions is coming! the seed is planted! Please please comment all your thoughts! You can even comment anon if you'd rather but I love you all so much and comments keep this lady writing fast(er). Also if you have time give me a kudos if you want. Love ya all and let's discuss the chapter and comeback! My favorite song I think is either page or the end.


	11. Chapter 11

_Mark decided to throw a party at his homely, crowded apartment he found through airbnb. In theory it was not very big for more than a few people. Yet, as to expect in this city - word travels fast. There was no stopping the constant buzzing of the front gate soon and he was worried the owner would revoke his stay with the continuous flow of people in and out._

_The Italian place had a mezzanine that went up to two small rooms only with a thin curtain as a barrier in the curved archways of each. Most Everyone hung around the combined living room and dining room that was the same width of the long balcony with two arches where the weeds and wisteria grew and framed the archways. It was perfect even with a few people upstairs letting their legs hang off the mezzanine._

_Mark was quite busy greeting people but all the while he was trying to search for a certain someone in the various faces._

_When Jackson first entered the party it had only been him and his typical group of friends. At that point Mark and Jackson were attracted like magnets always finding a reason to talk or be near each other but soon the attraction was lost in the sea of people. Soon the only one Mark felt near to him was Naomi the tan Italian woman who Mark at first had a thing with. Her thin arm was threaded around his own linking them together as she leaned into his side, warm, pleasant. He liked Naomi, her bluntness, her charms. He liked kissing her, he liked her company._

_At times she would place a kiss on his cheek, his ear, his neck and eventually they found a more secluded corner in the half kitchen and bathroom to make out. Her lips were extra soft, thoroughly moisturized. The peachy tint tasted good as they both coaxed at each other’s lips. Suddenly there was shouting of a few men bursting in the kitchen pierced Mark’s ears but he stuck to kissing Naomi avoid of the chatter until he heard-_

_“Found you two.” Jackson’s low voice shouted over the music snapping their attention away._

_It was odd to pull back and feel a pit in his stomach that was not identified as arousal from kissing. Jackson smirked at the two popping off a bear cap with just his teeth, Mark cringed at the action and the sound of the cap rattling on the tile floor._

_“That’s bad for your teeth Jacks.” Mark made a face as Naomi straightened out her dress._

_“Mmm. Looks cool doesn’t it though.” He looked over to Naomi and winked causing her to roll her eyes and stride towards the boy._

_Snatching the beer from his hands she took a swig, “Oh Jackson. Always the impresser now are we?” Her little Italian accent was very pleasing to Mark’s ears. She looked good next to Jackson or maybe they just both looked good to Mark which was more confusing._

_“I usually get a reaction.” Jackson responded yet his attention was glued to Mark, the expression on his face slightly dark despite his teasing tone. It made Mark squirm, he wiped his mouth of spit in distraction to just do anything but make eye contact with the heat of the boy._

_It was oddly a cat and mouse game right now between Mark and Jackson. Neither admitting how much chemistry boiled and seethed between the space of their bodies. One step in one direction, another step in the opposite. Mark still thought of their kiss behind the car quite a lot. His sexuality never more in question. The romanticism of their moment shocked Mark more than anything, more than the sexual attraction. He felt something behind the sex, he couldn’t grasp it._

_“Hey now. Find your own beer.” Jackson turned around to grab a hold of the beer as Naomi began to walk away. And she just laughed at him._

_“Distracted.” She stated even if it meant to be a question. Naomi’s demeanor was so alluring to all and perhaps the oddest part was the Jackson had an on and off thing with her as well. Yet she always had a way of not taking things personal and befriending anyone in sight. Neither disliked Naomi but both were possibly sidetracked with lingering thoughts._

_“I could use one too.” Mark took the opportunity to dip out of the closeness of the kitchen and weave through the crowd for some liquor. He blinked slowly confused at misplaced anger._

_The lyrics of the music were enough to wander his mind away till he found a pleasant burn of liquor warming his system. Feeling disconnected Mark wandered up to random conversations mostly observing, sometimes contributing but he did seem to have lost the eyes of a familiar boy. He found a few guys he remembered Jackson introducing him to but forgot every name._

_One grasped his shoulder, “Hey man! Thanks for letting us come over to this place, it is great!”_

_“Oh sure man, no problem.” Mark nodded politely wishing the name would connect with the face in front of him._

_“You are the American!” Another man laughed pointing to him as if he discovered a new species in the wild._

_“Uh yeah.” Another sip was required._

_“Businessman right? Oh a real stud.”_

_Mark again laughed uncomfortably not really sure what to say to the autobiography he was getting. Hopefully those two things weren’t his defying trait._

_“We are glad you are enjoying Italy. Sorry if our excitement of a new face is blunt.” The first man chimed in a few other people having their separate conversations in the group._

_“No it’s no problem. Thank you for showing me around.” Mark replied giving the man a nudge and smile. He didn’t mind the guys even if they were a little abrupt, he is pretty use to a lot of questions._

_“You know Mark I get this feeling that-“_

_Then a few people shouted out as a rap song blares through the speakers. The sudden shouting starling Mark from his calm demeanor. He desperately pushed down the anxiety of getting caught having party. Instead he just continued to keep a closed mouth smile._

_“Man! Questa canzone è così orecchiabile!” Someone with a beard and deep set eyes slung an arm around the man next to Mark drawing him from their conversation._

_He then felt inclined to keep shifting through the crowd and up the stairs hoping for anyone he felt more comfortable with. When he climbed up to the second floor on the balcony he felt the air a little warmer and saw that a few people were trying to corner themselves behind the curtains in the archway. Suddenly an arm pulled Mark back by the waist to their body the hands snaking up under his oversized long sleeve._

_“What-“ Mark thought it was perfume but suddenly he recognized the cologne and turned around to Jackson hovering behind him._

_“Where’s Naomi?” Jackson asks his voice straightening up acting as if he didn’t just touch Mark leaving a burning sensation on his skin. Mark glare at him, not sure if he was mad at the question or the surprise attack._

_“Unbelievable.” Mark scoffs not in the mood for this stop and go, always on edge if they are being friends or something more._

_“What mood are you in right now?” Jackson tone defensive._

_“‘Don’t leave me tonight.’” Mark mockingly replied back the phrase they have said to each other when Mark had to turn on the shower when Jackson was unconscious and when they had their first kiss behind Angelo’s car. Jackson blinked blankly at the agitation from Mark._

_Even being taken aback by the burst of frustration from Mark, it didn’t take Jackson long to think. And then he pushed past Mark huffing a little too intensely._

_“Hey!” Mark shouted at him as he started walking away towards the bathroom. When Jackson completely ignored his shout he followed the boy with the intention of giving him a piece of his mind. Just as Jackson slipped into the open bathroom at the end of the mezzanine Mark grabbed the handle pushing the door further open not letting Jackson shut him out._

_“You-” And he was immediately muffled by a harsh kiss shoving him against the nearest wall. Right away Mark felt a tongue running over the seal of his lips, prodding, shoving, heaving against them. Mark’s words got lost in the intensity of having the life kissed out of him. And without a beat Mark was kissing just as hard back. It was just teetering on being too rough but the anger between them was being put to a different use._

_They were pushing and pulling shoving each other up against the sink, the tiled wall, near the octagon shaped windows. And it was all breathy moans and slick lips, kissing deeper and with passion unknown to either yet. It wasn’t soft and sweet tasting like his kiss with Naomi. No, it was hot, burning._

_Mark moaned feeling alleviated of tension, just left with a desire and lust so hungry and saturated it spun his head ridiculously. Not at all drunk from alcohol just an innate need to pull the other boy as close as possible._

_“Fucker.” Mark gasped as Jackson pulled back and started palming Mark through his jeans keeping their lips inches apart but not letting Mark capture his. Jackson’s jaw still clenched, his eyes strained and intentful, it turned Mark on further._

_“Are you angry with me? Feeling spiteful.” Jackson’s fingers danced higher up to his belt causing Mark’s heart to lurch and his pulse to quicken. The arousal was clouding any coherent behavior. Then Jackson pecked the plump lips teasingly against Mark’s mouth in which he kept tightly closed but his hands roamed over Jackson’s back looping his fingers in the boy’s belt loop and bluntly holding him against his hard on. The pleasant gruff of a groan and the way Jackson tensed up made Mark laugh sadistically, oh how he felt something deep for the other. Jackson took the opportunity to kiss the boy again when he was laughing, catching him off guard as he explored his mouth and pulled his belt off at the same time the sound of metal clanking made Mark’s groin heat up further._

_“How about I make it up to you.” Jackson was breathing heavy and it was hot. Mark was far past being confused, Jackson was undeniably attractive and he was no doubt hard from his demeanor right now. His rough hands discarding his belt, the hooded eyes, his mouth open, the deep groans. Mark was riled up on adrenaline and Jackson._

_Dropping down slowly to his knees, Jackson pushed Mark against the sink. There was only one implication for why he was getting on his knees and it caused Mark to shake slightly as Jackson maintained eye contact sinking to the tile that was cold and solid against his skin._

_Mark’s hip instinctively lurched forward as Jackson’s fingertips curled around the band of his skinny jeans and underwear. He threw his head back to look at the ceiling in anticipation feeling the pit in his stomach too much by looking down into Jackson’s eyes. Soon the air hit his skin and he was completely bare in front of Jackson but all that was on his mind was a need for contact, for release. Mark was panting heavily almost on the edge of a whine._

_Just as he felt Jackson’s breath hot and near his cock there was a knock on the door. Jackson shot up to cup his hand over Mark’s mouth to stop the panting and hold them both as still as possible._

_Suddenly the door knob started to rattle._

_“Yo. This bathroom’s taken.” Jackson’s rough voice called out, still sultry to Mark’s ears. For some reason that made his knees buckle more. Mark could not stop the apparent rising and falling of his chest, pants down around his ankles and Jackson’s face barely apart from his own. Mark was getting antsy, fear striking that he might be caught in an unexplainable act._

_“Oh my bad bro.” An unrecognizable male voice echoed back causing Jackson to blow out the biggest sigh of relief._

_But before Mark could regain he senses Jackson dropped back down and gripped Mark tightly jerking him off slightly to coax a moan out of him. The feeling of another man’s fingers on him was never something Mark thought of but it was somehow increasing his heart rate. It was so derogatory to have Jackson on his knees for him but it came with a sense of protectiveness._

_When he felt Jackson’s mouth gentle suck at the tip it demanded his attention, eyes snapping down to the man kneeling between him and his lips were open and compliant sliding slickly along his cock.The feeling was electrifying, completely turning Mark’s blood to ice and prickling at all his senses._

_Mark watched Jackson with an open mouth, in awe as the boy kept his eyes closed and hummed around Mark’s cock. He began to explore different methods at first just letting his tongue slide and trace at the veins, his lips adding a pleasant pressure but then he started to hollow his cheeks more and suck, hard. Mark’s eyelids fluttered pleasantly as a deep groan filled the heavy silence._

_Mark gripped the smooth porcelain of the sink digging into his back, he needed to ground himself as he felt Jackson hold the base of his cock and make dirty slurping noises. It was all so perdent in the heavy heat of the bathroom. Mark could even feel water drops from whoever used the sink last. They had not even bothered to turn the lights on stumbling into the bathroom._

_Mark was clenching hard feeling his whole body tighten at how fucking good it feels to have Jackson’s lips around him. The younger boy was bobbing his head up and down till he got to the slit and ran his tongue teasingly across it. Mark cried out gripping now onto Jackson’s broad shoulders, his nails digging slightly into his flesh indenting it through the thin t-shirt. Now Jackson took him back in to moan around his cock filthy and send harsh vibrations through Mark’s entire body._

_“Jackson- ah!” Mark was a mess totally out of body and sense, just breathing shallow from the feeling. Gazing down he was met with glossy eyes framed with a thick lash line and dark eyes. Oh, and how Jackson’s lips were spread around his cock._

_“Fuck! God, fuck fuck.” Mark shook in his hold, the taste in his own lips salty and dry from how much he was turned on. Jackson saw the dark look Mark was giving him and he decided to grip tighter around his cock and pull off so he could jerk him off violently and Mark couldn’t pull his eyes away from how hypnotizing Jackson was as a moan ripped through his throat roughly._

_Jackson now being the sadistic one, was smiling up at how wrecked Mark was and the sweat upon his brow. They both were panting soaking up the sexual air and drinking in each other's arousal. Being the tease that he is Jackson first started again at Mark’s balls sucking tightly and Mark was no longer steady so Jackson’s arm shout up to hold him firmly against the sink preventing his legs from giving out._

_“Jackson I’m gonna, cum. God.” Mark was so incoherent his gut felt like he was going to burst from the pressure and visuals in front of him. The sun was no longer out just an alluring moon looming over them. Then Jackson licked from the base to the tip and started to time his fisting with his lips, sucking and spitting on the tip until Mark could no longer stop himself. It was so wet, and slick the sounds were loud soaking into Mark’s eardrums and implanting themselves in his mind. He could not stop hearing Jackson sucking him off, he never wanted to stop hearing it._

_Then Mark’s body started tensing and shaking uncontrollably and he was gripping at Jackson to pull off, he couldn’t even begin to think of him swallowing his cum. He was shaking his head but Jackson seemed to keep his lips sealed not at all budging. But before he could release Jackson pulled off and Mark swore he never wanted to cuss someone out more until he was suddenly being turned around so he saw both him and Jackson in the mirror. Jackson was pushing both of their hips right up against the extremely cold sink._

_“What-” Mark seethed at the man behind him. Jackson then reached to turn on the cold water from the sink wetting his own hand and pulling out his own cock so smoothly Mark was lost in the blurred reflection of the mirror. A true cry burst from his mouth as Mark shivered and leaned back at the contact of Jackson running cold water over Mark’s dick._

_“Ah!” Mark was in shock at the feeling it somehow intensified everything and now there were a few different sensations in Mark’s mind and a rough hand and cold water squeezing and pulling against Mark’s dick. And that was all he needed to cum, hard._

_There was nothing but pure blurry vision and the loudest moan from Mark who was now completely sedated and lost in the feeling of climaxing. But as he was coming down Mark spun around to relieve Jackson at the same time, shivering and jerking him off so harshly it coaxed worn out whines from Jackson._

_“I’ve never cummed like that Jackson. You have a mouth like no one else.” Mark praised the boy and pulled him close to his chest before spitting in his hand and adding more slickness to the jerking motion between them. Jackson’s hot breathing was enough to send aftershocks through Mark as his body lay heavily against the sink._

_When Jackson cried out, strained, it was all Mark needed to slump against the other as they gripped at what they could. letting their breaths mingle and sharing a moment of no return._

 

He swore if the burn in his cheeks and gut was not from the trace of Jackson’s lips it was from the nerves clawing deep within him. Never did he want to see the man standing in the doorway again, he did not even anticipate his arrival. It was no secret how some people were so irritable to Mark that they could get under his skin, but this man, he took a knife and carved under his skin. 

Like walking out of the dark into the sun that is too bright, it is harsh to look at the stocky man before him. He wears, as usually, some kind of tailored suit with the jacket slung around his shoulder and an expensive belt that is essential to his intimidation, a watch worth more than the island of Capri, and rings that would hurt if they would come in contact with your face. This was the man that let Jackson stay in his Positano home.

The way the intruder stands in the doorway staring right at Mark with a sly smile that sends chills down his spine, his thoughts spin out of control. There are no words or movements Mark could make.

“Lucio.” Jackson smiles and strides over to hug the man which nauseates Mark even more. 

“My boy!” He laughs deep and husky, the cigarette stash this man keeps could rival any museum. Patting Jackson on the back he squeezes him tight to his chest. “You are keeping my home warm I hope figlio.”

“Of course. Sitting around all day, eating the tomatoes from the garden, you know.” Jackson putting on the natural charm that made everyone including Lucio fall for him easily. But oh how blissfully unaware was Jackson of this man’s intentions. It was so hard for Mark to sew his mouth shut and not cry out the truth of this exchange.

Mark could not help how tense he was, an automatic flight or fight mode in his system. Sitting on the creaking wooden chair at the opposite side of the room he wrung the napkin in his fist trying to ease the discomfort.

Lucio never took his eyes off of Mark, always letting him bathe in his new presence. It was as if to allude to the watchful eye the aging man had upon him. There was nothing subtle about the sturdy presence of this burte who had heaps of money and influence. He was a ghost when he wanted to be, a charmer who could manipulate a crowd, and a supposed friend. If Angelo was approachable this man was his opposite in all senses. Mark could not figure out how Jackson always overlooked the intimidation factor and was able to be such a happy go lucky bystander in his presence.

“Are we going to address the man sitting silently by the table...Hello Mark, I never forget a face.” His accented English was commanding in the tiny space of their hidden room, Mark feared the secrets he shared could be heard within the walls of the old wallpaper. Mark’s jaw stayed locked at Lucio’s words his cold stare not warming.

“It has been a while hasn’t it.” Mark responded his position still stagnant. 

“Mark is back for the summer.” Jackson must not feel the tense air, he never had. Jackson is slightly stiff but more partly due to how entangled both he and Mark were mere seconds before Lucio’s entrance. Their discord had been a secret every time Mark would show up to the house. Lucio always had an air about the American who had an attitude. However, Mark was always polite but the old Italian did not like how he never bowed to his hierarchy. Jackson seemed to overlook the strained conversing that would happen between the two but never knew the depths it went. They played nice for Jackson as they both had a liking to him, Mark’s was romantic. Jackson was truly blindsided to the truth.

“I heard. It was not hard to figure once I arrived and ran into Mrs. Parisi cleaning. Oh did she rave about our old friend Mark Tuan.” Lucio spoke to be clear, almost like he spoke in old poem verse. The way he was referring to Mark like he was not right in front of him irked him profusely.

“How did you find us in Capri?” Jackson questioned, no undertone of anything but curiosity.

Grabbing hold of Jackson’s shoulder tightly he laughed the bellowing laugh again, “I hear more than you know my boy.” 

And that’s what makes this man even more terrifying. He knew before you knew your fate, he knew how to ensure your fate. 

“We were just about to eat. I’m sure they could bring up a chair for you.” Jackson replied politely his attention now upon the new guest. Mark would have done anything to escape the enclosing situation, far too shell shocked to utter more than a few words. The lack of eye contact with Jackson allowed Mark to slip further into a catatonic state.

“You can sit in my seat. I’ll go find the waiter.” Jackson quipped already halfway out the door ready to serve his landlord before Mark could tell after him not to leave him alone.

But as soon as Jackson slipped through the door Mark’s heart rate skyrocketed and his posture tensed into stone. Slipping into the chair across from him Lucio had no intention to look away except dead into Mark’s eyes. He wished to never meet this man again, he did not count his lucky stars well enough for luck.

The greasy smile was evident. There were no words to exchange but a heavy feeling of a contract where Mark signed over his livelihood. How much was known between the two.

“I see a band around your ring finger. Married? About to be?” 

“Engaged.” 

Lucio nodded pleased. Why did it feel like the ring banded around Mark’s finger was on fire and it was burning his flesh.

“Congratulations.”

“Thank you.”

Mark was unsure who Lucio was congratulating at this remark. A hidden meaning behind his words, a riddle of someone that’s intentions hang with greed.

Jackson could not have arrived sooner with a chair and the same waitress that took their order. Mark felt the need to flee so desperately and swallow the current panic inside.

But Jackson sat at the side of the table between them looking as oblivious as ever. And how he wished he could soothe his hair and keep him unaware of the reality. Mark remembered his promise ‘I will always do-

_whatever to protect you Gaga.”_

_“Is that a promise.”_

_“Completely.”_

_Mark meant every word and every breath between. They sat on opposite sides of the pool, the sun reflected off the water creating dancing patterns of light across their faces. It was a relaxing afternoon in the middle of a hot Italian summer each of them soaking up the rays pleasantly. Mark could bask all day with Jackson, in Jackson. He could sit across from him just like this, skin hot against uneven gravel watching him pop cherry tomatoes in his mouth. There was devotion hidden in each bright red tomato that passed between the other's lips._

_“No matter the cost.” Mark muttered almost to himself._

_“I would do the same Mark.” Jackson said firmly his tone serious and his stare intentful. The words were their own I love you. ‘I will protect you’._

_The August sun was the reminder of the lives they lead, the responsibilities on their shoulders, beating down on them, aging their skin. But it did not matter if Mark could just keep the eyes of the man across the pool, if he could continue to love someone as warm as Jackson._

_The end of the summer was near, the departure had to be discussed yet all he cared about was milking a smile from Jackson. Mark wished for something as selfish as to never go back to America. Italy had better offerings, better food, it had spectacular views, and most importantly it had Jackson._

_Jackson decided in that moment to roll off the cement into the pool with a splash. Peering down into the water Mark could see his back, it was ethereal in the glistening water, the muscles taut and tanned. The sunlight weigh heavy on Mark’s eyelids as he gazed down at Jackson’s big bright eyes peeking up from surface of the teal pool water. It was a completely awestrucking, how was someone this godlike is his?_

_Swimming over to him Jackson wore the brightest of smiles as he hovered just barely above the waterline. It was contagious how the other’s smile leaked into Mark’s own expression. Sticking in his feet into the pool Mark patiently awaited for the other to reach him. The smell of the sea water apparent._

_When Jackson was right in front of Mark looking up through his wet eyelashes Mark swore his heart started to run a mile. Never had he seen a sight so tempting, so handsome. Oh his only. He had this man with expansive broad shoulders, he had permission to lick each water droplet along his collarbone and suck gently on his pulse._

_Rubbing at his ankles affectionately Jackson pulled him from his protruding thoughts. Jackson’s veiny hands held onto Mark’s legs to anchor him from floating away. Mark reaches down to ruffle the wet brown hair fondly._

_“What is it?” Jackson asked his voice thick and murky from the pool water. The round eyes lured Mark to swim in them. It was easy to void yourself of thoughts when someone like Jackson existed. Sometimes Mark felt so disconnected that he was simply watching his own life play out from a third point of view._

_“Just thinking. About this moment.”_

_“Mhmm.” Jackson trailed up closer to settle between Mark’s legs while Mark hooked his own arms and legs behind him._

_“It’s just nice. To be around you. It feels like I’ve been in Italy a lot longer than three months.” Mark’s voice was very soft as if he was on the edge of tears yet he felt nothing but contentment in the space between comfort and being damned._

_“Am I drag to you? Can you just not wait to escape the heat and run back to America?” Jackson was teasing but by the way he caressed Mark’s leg and placed a gentle kiss to his warm thigh there was no turning back from the pang in his chest._

_He was damned when his eyes looped circles around Jackson’s iris’s. He was damned when he felt the overwhelming sense to protect the other boy with everything in him. He was damned and he wanted to be._

_Mark then completely in his summer clothes hopped into the water surprising the other from the sudden action. But there was nothing except a cheeky grin as Jackson took the liberty to ruffle water through the other’s hair damning and wetting him further. They now just hovered in the water facing each other and enjoying the cool temperature of the pool and the sparkles reflecting at the peaks of the waves. There was that pang again when the smile simmered out of Jackson’s expression leaving only his most true resting face. It did not alarm him, the change of expression, it just solidified something that Mark had been wanting to say._

_Swimming closer to Jackson he saw the other’s chest rise heavily. The waves pushing the two impossibly close Mark felt the heaviness of his clothes in the water, the buoyancy of floating, the unfathomable pull to Jackson. He knew more about this boy, this man, than he had from anyone back home, he read and felt every corner, space, fiber of the other. The other read him better than he could read himself, he told him things about himself that Mark had not even put together yet. They were able to act as one now, able to know what the other needs before they know it, they were always able to find each other no matter how lost they got. They knew all the places the other would hide, even in plain sight._

_Putting his lips to Jackson’s ear shell Mark spoke with devoted disposition, “I love you,”_

_Letting out the most tender of sighs Jackson just lent further Mark’s side almost exhausted at the words. There was a moment full of gentle prickling air between the two, just existing in a space now sacred to them. Mark had never said those words and meant it to anyone in his past. To actually grasp the concept and know truly what it means to love someone was a feeling he never thought he would have. It was a feeling he had never been certain of until he met a protruding waiter from Hong Kong._

_“I love you. I always will.” Jackson replied back shivering no matter how much the sun was beating down on their skin. Their skin belonged to no one but each other._

_It was terrifying but Mark knew after he found the meaning to those words he would do anything to keep the other safe, at the cost of his own happiness if need be._

 

Pacing on the balcony of his hotel room Mark could not stop the tremor in his hand or the lack of air intact in his lungs. As soon as the storm cleared Mark had found an excuse to leave the hidden room of the Capri restaurant but not without a promise for lunch with Lucio and his fiance. 

Natalie had found him in his bad panic state, the anxiety eating him just like it had during the night of the beach bonfire. She tried to talk to him, calm him, get him some water. But none of it seemed to ease the pain in his stomach or the rugged breathing. Mark could not choke out any words worth something so Natalie tried to think quickly rummaging their bags for an inhaler, anything to help. Shakily Mark then pulled up Angelo's contact holding it out bluntly to her. Confused she called the man as Mark sat fetal position in their bed trying to ease himself out of the panic.

It felt like hours. Cradled there with just Natalie beside him. She cuddled Mark from behind, rubbing his back, finally seeing some improvement in his breathing. As she tried to keep him calm there was a knock on the door. 

“I’ll be back baby. Don’t worry I’m just going to answer the door.” Natalie said as gentle as possible untangling herself from Mark. 

The tightness in his chest would still not go away and Mark was left with an empty feeling. He felt like a child, a completely useless child who hid from his problems and hurt those closest to him with his actions. He felt small and the worries ate at him. He had to talk to someone but his thoughts made no comprehension.

“He's in here.” Mark then heard a voice say and soon there was someone kneeling down next to the bed. Still afraid to open his eyes or even move Mark squeezed them shut tighter. 

“Hey. Hey there mio fratello.” The gruff of Angelo’s voice soothed Mark in the midst of his anxiety. It was nice to find some kind of solace from someone he cared about.

Still Mark shook, the pain not subsiding enough, the regret and hatred swirling in his gut. But his eyes pried open to see Angelo looking into him with pity and it almost made Mark feel worse off.

“What the hell happened?” Angelo now looked over to Natalie who was standing hesitantly at the end of the bed twirling her bracelet around nervously.

“I-I don’t know he gets like this sometimes.” She urged back, getting defensive from Angelo’s tone. 

“We got separated during the storm earlier today and then when I came back he was having a panic attack of the sorts. He was asking for you that’s why I called.”

“Aren’t you his fiancé? You don’t know how to calm him?” The sudden confrontation was not helping to ease any nerves or pain causing a fury in Mark. Especially from two people close to him.

“It’s not her fault.” Mark groaned trying to sit up now. His muscles felt exhausted and his eyelids heavy. 

Angelo looked to Mark scanning his expression. It was probably not reading but Mark was begging for alone time with Angelo, only using his eyes to plead. Natalie was now getting antsy at the intrusion of Angelo her presence only making Mark more anxiety ridden.

“Can you let me have some alone time with him?” Angelo requested trying to be less accusatory with his tone, Mark thanking god for the request. He had a lot of his guts to spill to the older man, no longer could he hold this particular burden alone. He really needed advice.

“And why should I leave my fiancé with this random Italian man? Anything you say to him you can say to me. That’s how this works.” She was being firm on her point and the timing of her protest could not be worse. Italy was supposed to be good for them but it was only creating more of a drift.

“Listen I know you have good intentions but I really would appreciate if you give us time. Go to the market and get something for dinner, I’ll make it.” Angelo threw his wallet out onto the bed, the leather hitting the stark white duvet between them and Natalie.

She looked down in contemplation Mark could physically see the indifference behind her gaze at the wallet. He would have done the same if a random old friend came in when she wasn’t feeling well, he knew it was a protectiveness.

“Nat. It’s okay trust me.” Mark searched for her eye contact. He could almost read a betrayal of trust that Mark picked his old friend’s side but he would deal with that later as right now there was no way he could focus on everything wrong in his life without becoming mush. Sighing deeply Natalie then snatched the wallet and left the two alone trying to appear that she was not letting this get to her.

“I’ll be back babe. I hope you feel better.” She nodded to Mark keeping her pride in tact before she left the two alone. 

Waiting for the door to close was the longest moment of his life and as soon as the door shutting rung throughout the hotel suite Mark let out the longest sigh of his life. He wanted to disappear amongst the array of fluffed pillows.

Angelo threw off his shoes then crawling into the bed to silently comfort Mark as he stared blankly. Where was he supposed to begin on this dreadful situation? He felt like as soon as he spoke out what truly happened that everyone in the hills of the Amalfi coast would know his secrets. 

“I know you have something to tell me.” Angelo broke the silence, Mark had no way to read his expression as he could not look him in the eyes and his vision blurred at the sides.

“Do you hate me now too?” Mark’s insecurities were leaking out of him, no filter could hold back his feelings.

“Of course not. I do not hate you for being human. You committed no crime.” Angelo shifted so he was now in Mark’s view holding his eye contact hostage and trying to provide a sense of comfort to the anxiety that still lingered in Mark.

“Does adultery count?” Mark muttered ashamed at the way his stomach churned at the thought of Jackson’s lips, each kissed etched into his brain.

Angelo was silent for a beat, the realization dawning on him, “It was frankly a matter of time.” 

“I do not hate you. I do not think it is right to cheat but I still think of you as my friend, mio fratello. Adultery is a two person act.” 

Mark fumbled, he let himself fall again for the round brown eyes, he will probably never resist him. Now even their affair has been roadblocked by the ghosts of Mark’s past. He was a fool for trying to outrun responsibility. Now he sits across from an old friend who is nothing but supportive no matter how much Mark trips over his feet, time after time.

Time to spill his guts, “I have something to tell you.” Mark says with a shaky voice.

“I won’t hate you Mark. Be honest with me.” the sentiment behind Angelo’s voice gave Mark courage. The man waited for the other to speak, letting him set the pace of the conversation.

Courage was one of the hardest emotions to muster, it required way too much of Mark to say the words, he was afraid of the truth, of the man who made Jackson hate Mark. Maybe it wasn’t bravery for leaving but it was a cowardness in him.

“I didn’t leave Jackson because I wanted to.” Mark swallowed roughly it already was hard to force the words out.

Angelo was silent he seemed to just be waiting for Mark to continue, eyes empathetic for the boy but posture strong. Mark licked his lips nervously the pit in his stomach firmly settling.

“I never planned in the first place to fall in love, especially for a man I met in Italy. But how can I pretend to be naive about coming back. I let Natalie choose this place, I let myself back into the world I left. All I’ve learned is that love hurts, love will chew you and spit you out. I knew what I thought it was back then, and because of love I had to leave. Do you see why I keep a guard with Natalie? We keep each other happy by an arm’s length.” Mark hadn’t realized how much he hurt himself in the process of this all. The words were thoughts floating in his head for a while now, a riddle to his own thought process. Angelo felt every word that Mark said, Mark knew the man made sacrifices for love too. He would never be unburdened unless he continued to speak.

“You see Lucio, uh- Jackson’s landlord, never liked me. Lucio found the presence of an American irritable, which some very well are, but the real reason he didn’t like me was much deeper. No one really knew, besides you, that Jackson and I were together. But somehow Lucio saw through me, he knew just by the way I looked casually to Jackson that I was falling for him. God I didn’t know at the time, but he did. This man is no simple landlord, he owns a casual house in Positano and you know all too well how expensive the rent is here. Who just simply lends someone a huge house with no rent and all they have to do is watch over it? Now because I fell for Jackson I wanted to make sure this man who was mistrustful was not going to screw him over. But that conversation of me trying to make sure Jackson was protected turned south really quick.”

Mark was suddenly encompassed with overwhelming emotion. The events not easy to relive and Angelo saw that as Mark hiccuped with a sudden wave of panic this time the tears stinging his eyes. But he wouldn’t cry, he was going to get through this. Angelo reached forward to grab ahold of the boy’s shoulder tightly, he was there, he wasn’t going to leave Mark.

“He threatened to kick Jackson out if I didn’t leave, Angelo... He caught us kissing in the gardens and told me there was no room for me in his life. If I muttered anything to Jackson then he said he would- take more than just Jackson away. I was a coward but I couldn’t leave Jackson homeless because of me.”

“Jesus christ! Che cazzo è?! What the fuck?” Angelo shoots up feeling very temperamental about the situation as silent tears are draining from Mark’s eyes. His anger is from protectiveness, someone else final understands the turmoil Mark has kept inside. There is an odd relief in speaking it out loud.

“That fucking asshole! God, god. You don’t deserve any of this Mark, you or Jackson don’t. How did I not have any clue about this guy? You know Jackson could of just stayed with me? You could have come right away to me...I will fight this cazzo with you. Five years of nothing but sorrow! All because of what! Jealousy? Homophobia? Just because he didn’t like you?” Angelo raves pacing back and forth now slamming the broken bathroom door over and over when it creaks back out from its place. The questions are too much for Mark, he has no answers.

“All. I think he had a plan to introduce his niece to Jackson. I was in the way of that clearly.” Mark bite his cheek tightly trying not to be overwhelmed once again. His vision was blurry again.

“He can stay with me! We will make it work I know people in Positano-” 

“In your studio?” Mark says dimly, there would be no room for two people. 

“It could be temporary. How can he stay living there any longer?” Angelo shouts overcome with his own emotion. Mark did not know what to say.

“He is happy. How can I ruin that for him, we lead different lives now.” Mark’s voice was hard, he hated the truth but he was no longer a bachelor void of responsibility.

Angelo turned to him eyes serious the anger still apparent in his tone no longer focused only on Lucio, “You have to tell him. You cannot hide this from him. Did you really leave him without any notice?” 

“You think I didn’t try! That I didn’t care! I tried to write letters, I did write a letter. It told Jackson how to contact me, that I loved him. I don’t know if he got it!” Mark shot back his voice full of frustration, the whole situation was not something he could not just fix with a few words. He had a business to take care of, a fiance, and now he had his past haunting and tossing him around. The whiplash was muddling his true feelings.

Angelo looks to him gravelly trying to sympathize with the frustration Mark must feel. He decides to subside his own anger in favor of comforting the other. With a deep sigh Angelo sits at the end of the bed looking just as defeated. 

“I panicked because he’s back.” Mark stares blankly trying to hold back further tears, further panic. “Lucio wants to have lunch with me and Nat. I don’t know what to do. To run, to push back. I don’t know how I’ll have the guts to disappear from Jackson’s life twice. I don’t know anything.”

Angelo moves closer to Mark to further comfort him with a solid grip on his ankle, his expression sincere. “Kid...I’m sorry. We all are plagued with tough decisions, and it is not fair but if something were to come easy it would not mean as much. I’ve ran into many people in my life, seen everyone take various paths. In the end the path isn’t worth it if you are miserable. Who can fault someone for picking what makes them happiest. Fuck them otherwise. I didn’t choose happiness when I could have, I live with that regret. But I pushed forward and I continue because there are many simple things in life to look forward to. Not every fucking thing has to make sense right away.”

Angelo’s words were a gentle comfort, not an answer yet in Mark’s head but he definitely picked a few weeds out for him. Mark never was alone even in the far corners of the world. There was an ease to the ache in his chest that pain was not an inherent trait of his but a trait of everyone, the reminder was needed.

“Thanks Angelo. Just for being a friend, you don’t necessarily owe me anything.” Mark said looking down feeling a little bare at the moment.

“We will face it together. If this man wants to hurt two people close to me he will have hell to pay from me too.” Angelo was firm in his word and the probity behind it made Mark feel proud and emotional once again.

“The loyalty means a lot. I have to face this though, I won’t forgive myself if you end up in this mess. I will talk to Jackson.” Mark reached out to squeeze Angelo’s hand briefly. “Lucio has a lot of influence and I know how to fix it.”

“How are you planning to fix this Mark?” Angelo asked hesitantly as if unsure how Mark could clean up the trail he left.

“By leaving Positano.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was quicker this time ;) ANWSERS! are you guys proud I finally answered a question. Also just so it is clear the flashbacks jump around a lot. Alsooo I gotta keep those cliffhangers going don't worry the story is just getting going the end isn't soon at all. Tbh I'm not sure how long this will be but just enough to get all my story out and I feel I have a lot of tank left in me on that one. We love plot. Comment what you thought! Are you guys going anywhere for the spinning top tour?


	12. Chapter 12

It was raining in Positano, the hard kind of rain that pelted against the windows, washing the glass and creating a lullaby of sorts. It seemed to be a storm that lasted days. There was never much to do when it rained here besides to sit inside and gaze out the framed windows. A lot of time to mull over. A lot of time to have conversations. 

Angelo had yelled at Mark for daring to think about leaving. He gave him a stern and father like talk of how it would solve nothing and that his emotions were so misplaced, that he was hurting everyone around him. Mark felt like every time he got himself in a mess he was being lectured. 

After promising not to leave till the end of summer and Angelo empty threatening him, Mark finally was alone. He was at peace until Natalie came back with angry tears and nothing in her hands. Mark was then lectured a second time with an empty stomach and a jarring glare. He apologized to Natalie for making her leave during his panic.

It must of been the threat or unbalance of their relationship that somehow made Natalie more prone to cuddle up to him. They held each other close that night both scared of different protruding thoughts that were nothing but gaffe. Natalie seemed like old lavender soap from the bathroom with a hint of musky perfume. Maybe arguing showed they still cared. Positano was a curse and blessing, a true paradox of life. 

The rain continued all night and when they woke up the water still fell from the sky in streaks. Maybe rain was a reminder, an omen. It didn’t matter because all Mark could think was nothing, he saw nothing but the grey, cloudy morning sky. He saw, he heard nothing but the rain, he didn’t need to think.

Natalie and Mark laid in bed the whole morning, taking turns to shower and get ready before they sat in the little living room area to drink their coffee. 

Sinking into the white, plush chair Mark let his legs rest on the coffee table filled with Italian magazine’s. Natalie sat across from him twisting her hair aimlessly. Mark could tell from the emptiness lingering that the air was even waiting for words to pierce the silence. The rain prompted a conversation and Mark could out wait the silence every time, it was up to Natalie.

The conversation never came, it was only the rain to fill their ears with noise, washing and beating the leafs on nearby trees, the tiles of the porch, the molded metal of the chairs. It was not until there was a shrill ring from Mark’s phone was the silence breached. 

Hoping for a text from Jackson, Mark jumped slightly at the sound walking over to where it was plugged in next to his bed. He was probably better off ignoring it since it was probably Lucio inviting him up to the house for lunch. Before Mark could even bury the text Natalie was up and asking who it was from.

“Someone I met a long time ago. He wants to have lunch with us.” Mark’s voice was steady even if his heart rate wasn’t.

“It’ll give us something to do. The rain has dampened my mood more than I thought. I refuse to just sit here all day. Where for lunch?” Natalie was prompted to look for her purse, a clear urge in her tone.

“At his house. He lives on the other side of town.” Mark pointedly left out the important detail that the house was also where Jackson also resides. He still has full intention of telling her but god was it hard to sort out how to in his head. He owed nothing to this man that ruined his past relationships so why was it that he felt terrified of going and also terrified of not.

Swallowing, Mark felt like he throat was filled with hot coals. Coals that burnt with the truth of the manner, “Are you sure you want to Nat?”

“Yes Mark. Why wouldn’t I? Like I said we have nothing to really do today...have something else in mind?” She raised her eyebrow almost crudely despite her dry tone.

“I mean we have work to do? I have to make some phone calls for my family’s business, I swear the amount piling in my voicemail box is beginning stressing me out.”

“Life isn’t all work and no play Mark.”

Says a lot coming from the woman who seems to be more enraptured in her photo shoots than her quality time. They were being incredibly unfair to each other this trip.

Walking closer Natalie laid a hand firm on Mark’s chest before plucking a tender kiss to his pursed lips.

“I want to.” Her eyes were induced with something hypnotic and persuasive that no matter how aware of the trick he was Mark still felt his ankles tangled in the seaweed.

“Alright. Do you have an umbrella?”

-

_The restaurant was winding down, a few stray customers were left finishing off the last bits of their food. Mark sat in the back corner studying for his exam for his online class. No matter what he had lined up for his future, college was essential to his father. Focusing in on his studies Mark was still picking at the leftovers of his pizza crust and letting the last few drops of red wine trickling down his throat._

_He had been tucked away in this place since noon spending lunch and dinner here. Jackson had picked up a double shift so he could spend the majority of his day serving Mark and spending every extra moment giving him little notes and making up excuses to fill his water glass so he could chat the boy’s ear off. Even though Mark was very keen on studying, he couldn’t say he didn’t mind the attention from the boy. It was the most warm aura he’s every felt from somebody. To Mark Jackson was more of a stimulant to his blood than the wine._

_The urge to find him in the room of the restaurant and just observe what he was doing was ever at the forefront of Mark’s mind. The man looked so effortlessly charming that every customer was assured to smile from his witty commentary, or his contagious grin. And each time when Jackson would catch Mark’s eyes back, he felt he was the most special person in the room._

_As Jackson was doing the closing chores Mark tried his best to lock his attention in on this study sheet, repeating the answers to himself in a hazy mantra. The sooner he could ace this test, the more time he could spend being an observer in Jackson’s world. It was strange how Mark could feel how much Jackson wanted him back, what he had to offer was a mystery to this boy who was ever eccentric and alluring. But it thrilled him that Jackson found intrigue in himself, every little touch pushed Mark further to a hidden lust. It was easy to indulge in the boy and the more he was around him the more he found that he just wanted to sit beside him, he didn’t need anything but to watch the other’s chest rise and fall, the sun rises and sets._

_Stealing the last bite of his bread Jackson slide into the chair across from him with a shit eating grin, “How’s studying?” He said partly muffled from the bread crowding his mouth._

_“Basically done now.”_

_Jackson loosens the tie on his uniform pulling it out roughly and tossing it around his neck, he nimbly pops a few buttons on his shirt to expose more expanse of his smooth tan skin. Mark’s attention drifts._

_“Ah..do you need more time? I could go help the kitchen with their closing stuff if you wanted me to buy you more time.” The comment warming Mark more than it should from the kindness of it._

_“Uh- I’ll be fine I swear my brain will turn to mush if I look at this study guide any longer.” Mark stated, packing his stuff up leaving no room for any other considerations. He was going to have fun and not sit here any longer at this empty restaurant._

_“Cool. Why don’t we meet everyone at the club. I have some clothes in my bag..I could drop off my stuff at Cady’s place she lives near.”_

_Usually Mark wouldn’t mind going out for drinks and dancing. It was a typical weekend, possibly even weekday activity for Jackson and his group of friends that were also local to Positano. He had learned that his first few weeks here. Countless times had he gone with the boy to the only real club in town. It was all fun, especially with his short fling Naomi..and well Jackson’s past fling too. But after he had tasted Jackson’s lips and was stuck in this purgatory between friends and something more — he wanted him alone._

_All that was flashing through Mark’s head was the image of him looking across the dance floor to Jackson’s hands gripping someone else’s hips, kissing at someone else’s neck. He tried to push down the jealousy running hot in his veins. It never worked. And time after time Jackson would find someone knew. And then when Jackson also started to attach himself to men, it was overbearing. No longer will Mark allow disappointment in his gut. He needed to stick his feet firmly in the sand._

_“Let’s do something else. Just us.” Mark soothed, grabbing Jackson’s wrist pointedly trying to cement his wish._

_The boy across from him with hair in his eyes and his exposed chest rising gently racked his eyes from the hand on his wrist up to match Mark’s._

_“Okay. Okay yeah...we can do something else.” He nodded a little too urgently and Mark felt a pang of pride._

_“How about a midnight swim?” Mark showed his teeth grinning crude, the smile apparently contagious as it was passed to Jackson’s mouth as well._

_“Well...At this hour I only tend to skinny dip.” Jackson’s smile turned greasy and Mark accepted the rush of arousal._

_The heat was felt between the two, it was a mutual tension that was like anticipation you feel before someone is about to hit you. You just know moments before the actual action happens._

_It did end up being 11:30 by the time they dropped off their stuff at Mark’s rented apartment and walked down the copious stairs to the beach. They ended up going to the more secluded beach around the cliff on the other side of town. Neither quite wanted to be caught naked on the main beach of town, frankly anyone could have seen them then._

_Perhaps an unspoken force drove them together but as soon as they knew they were alone it took no time before Mark felt another pair of lips brushing against his own in sweet contentment. Both melted so easily together pushing hard against the other but their kisses were held at an aching pace. Gaslighting their kisses from slow then fast and back to slow again. The only sound was their panting and the sound of their felt walking across the rocks on the beach._

_Slowly their clothes were disregarded amongst the area. The darkness hid them in the scenery, Mark felt apart of nature, apart of the jagged cliffs and cold sand that filtered through his toes, apart of the canopy of trees behind them in where the old stone stairs took them down to this spot._

_He couldn’t see well but he could feel Jackson’s lips and teeth dragging over his skin. The kiss was hot and wet and pushed his sense to feel beyond the edge._

_Soon there was nothing left to toss off of the others body, both men just basking in the naked truth, of what they want, want they desired from the other. But Mark didn’t just feel lust, he felt something much deeper, much more centering in him._

_With a solid grip he pulled the other into the water which was surprisingly warm. His blood felt warm, the water felt warm, and Jackson felt warm. The sigh was evident through the crisp air as wet body felt wet body, it was beyond addicting to just rub together in the bliss of water and solitude._

_The moonlight made the peaks of the dark water white and half of Jackson’s face glow. He wanted to bask in the moon, he wanted to thank what forces brought him to Jackson. And he felt the others words through each kiss to his jaw and neck._

_This was their moment, their secret and no words had to cement it. With each hand that roamed lower and rubbed with pressure, it pulled him deeper. They rubbed together to create friction in the water, cumming in a dark place. Only each other to keep afloat in consuming pleasure. It was all too perfect and when he felt Jackson begin to moan restrained and low Mark knew he was his rapture too._

—

Arriving at the front porch of Jackson’s house he felt the worst pit in his stomach, a completely different one then his night of infidelity. This time it was nerves. He had an iron grip on the umbrella so he could loosely hold Natalie’s hand with his other, she was rubbing her thumb gently over his in comfort. Mark was guessing she could sense his leaking nerves. 

The light was on the outside by the doorbell as the clouds made the afternoon much darker. Mark was not sure if he was doing this out of fear of not showing up at Lucio‘ lunch or if apart of him was trying to convince Lucio he had moved on from his first visit here.

Suddenly there was a loud click and the doorknob turned abruptly. Mark felt his stomach drop and a blast of air conditioning as Mrs. Parisi opened the door. 

“Oh Mark! Buon pomeriggio. Come in. He’s in the kitchen.” She shuffles both of them in quickly and immediately grabbed the wet umbrella to close it and tuck it away. Before Mark could think twice he was here at this house, about to face his fear.

“You are Natalie!” Mrs. Parisi then rushes to shake her hand, a smile on her face. Natalie looks back to Mark a little confused on how this lady knows her name.

“Uh. Yes, it's nice to meet you. And you are?” Natalie grins politely, she makes sure Mark is in arm's length distance 

“Call me Mrs. Parisi honey.” There’s something forceful behind her tone, maybe sorrow for Jackson, a protectiveness for someone she treats like a son. Mark was someone Jackson loved and that had not snuck past this woman. “I was just preparing the table for lunch. Lucio is waiting.” 

Mrs. Parisi is quick to escort them into the kitchen the sinking feeling that Jackson is not here makes everything worse, this house no longer feels as safe as it once did.

When they walk through the archway Marks eyes zone in on the man standing and looking out one of the windows at the downpour. The chills rack down Mark’s arms as the burly man turns to them with a plastered smile. The smile most deceiving, to anyone it feels almost friendly, inviting, until the spider catches you in his trap.

“Good. I am pleased you two came.” He comes out and around the table from the back near a row of windows to shake both of their hands.

“Thank you for inviting us.” Natalie pipes up putting on her proper voice that Mark finds quite charming. When they began dating he used to love when she would read him various articles out loud before bed. Her voice could be very melancholic, she still does read out loud sometimes.

Shaking Natalie’s hand Lucio bends down to place a kiss on the top of it, “My pleasure.”

Mark’s jaw already tenses in discontent. As Lucio moves in front of him to shake his hand, Mark grips his hand first and tightly as Lucio says to him, “Always a pleasure.” 

Marks silence is never clear but in this situation he is afraid of what Lucio will say, he hates the feeling that Lucio knows something that Natalie doesn’t. With a few words Lucio could send his current life into shambles, it was truly terrifying. The eggshells Mark was dancing around were sure to crack, and soon.

“Well I’m sure your fiancé has mentioned his visit to Positano before.” Lucio licks his lips and smiles once again directly his question at Natalie who seems foreign to this situation. That sentence ends abruptly causing Mark’s pulse to skyrocket, any mention of his past is sending Mark into short bursts of panic. Now the realization that Lucio could say something about his love life with Jackson at any moment daunting. 

“Yeah, we’ve discussed it. A part of the reason I wanted to come here. I wanted to experience this beautiful city and all it has to offer.” She turned to Mark for most of the sentence almost for reassurance on her words in which Mark just nodded along.

“How great. You make a beautiful couple. Truly.” It was impossible to read the man.

“Mark said you were an old friend?”

“Oh yes. Me and Mark met that first visit he had. You see I have a few estate properties, and that one summer I had come down for just a few weeks in Postianto and behold..Mark was here.” 

Mark could see the mischief in Lucio’s eyes, he was playing the game he always does, toying with information he had on everyone.

“Yup. Quite some time ago it feels like.” Mark tried to smile politely but it almost came across comical his posture way too tense.

“Hmm.” Lucio was just observing Mark now and then suddenly twisted towards Natalie, “How about I give you the tour while Mrs. Parisi finishes preparing our lunch.” 

From Natalie’s affirmation Lucio then began to show them each room in the house. He gave various detailed stories on particular furnishings and walked effortlessly through the space in which was full of Italian luxuries, Natalie seemed to eat up every bit of it. As they finished the bottom level and were ascending the stairs it now seemed that Natalie had jumped from Mark’s arm to holding Lucio’s and being enraptured in his every word. 

Mark kept firmly behind them, listening to their conversation but simply choosing not to interact. He knew this house in and out, he knew the writings on the walls, the memories that ghosted the space. 

They dipped into the vacant master that was never in use since Lucio barley was here. It was way too gaudy for Mark’s taste as it was filled with paintings, expensive silk sheets and huge detailed carpets. Every light fixture had furnishings, the wardrobes filled with designer robes and watches. Mark never went into this room besides one time, and he does not regret it. Having sex in this man’s bed without his knowledge was one act of rebellion he’ll always have against this man.

After they walked across the balcony Mark began to grow nervous at the sight of Jackson’s room. He prayed to something, anything, that they would skip it on the tour as it was not Lucio’s private space. But his lucky stars were not counted as Lucio ducked back into the hallway with Natalie and b lined to the double doors of Jackson’s room. Mark knew that this could be the moment everything fell apart, for a second time this man would ruin his life. 

There was no stopping the train wreck though, Mark created it, he deserved the opening of closed doors. And suddenly his fiancé, him and his tormentor were in the room of his ex. The smell so familiar and soothing Mark could burst into tears, but he held himself as stone. 

Natalie immediately waltzed into the space smiling ear to ear, “I love the view from this one wow.”

Jackson’s room was on the corner where you walk up from the front yard, it was mostly just a view of the trees that built a wall around the property but just over was the trees was the famous hill of houses.

“This is Jackson Wang’s room. My protege. He house sits most of the months for me.”

“Jackson Wang?!” 

This is it. The apocalypse.

“Oh you know Jackson?” Lucio acted surprised, and Mark looked just at shocked at his words. 

Was he choosing to draw this out? Was he taunting Mark with the truth or was he appeasing the idea that Natalie didn’t know. Every thought was daunting.

“Yes we know him! If we are thinking of the same one...he served us the first night at … uh what was it Mark?! I’m blanking…oh! Resortante Valle Dei Mulini.” 

“Ah yes that is my Jackson. Small world.”

This was all so wrong, so incredibly wrong. He wished he could scream at them to get out, to allow Jackson his privacy. This wasn’t fair for three people to be in here without his knowledge.

“I think we should go eat.” Mark tried to stay calm and encourage the party to move elsewhere. He was becoming irritated and protective over Jackson’s space. 

“Oh but I love this room...oh look some pictures.” Natalie laughs to herself having fun digging around in his personal items which is not very like her. She reaches down and picks up a stack hidden under his nightstand in a shoebox.

And then Mark snaps. Walking right up to her Mark rips the photos from her hand.

“Don’t touch that!” He yells, his voice ringing through the uneven air and full of venom. 

Natalie retreats looking unsettled at his outburst. Mark has always had quite a temper in which he couldn’t control. This was crossing a line and he couldn’t help the trembling in his hands as he shoved the pictures back into the box and shrugged off Natalie’s attempt to grab his arm.

He didn’t know what to do or where to go as he was growing more anxious by the second and he couldn’t just storm out in the midst of the god forsaken lunch date. Natalie had tears lining the brim of her waterline and Lucio didn’t flinch at all during Mark’s outburst, expecting it to happen.

“I believe lunch is ready.” Lucio chimed still in the midst of intensity with a smile plastered across his face. 

Mark turned to him with a glare his chest still rising from his ragged breathing and the uneasiness of this atmosphere made him feel like his own chest was caving into him. Lucio only held his smile, letting his eyes taunt Mark further into his own personal torture, and with that he then excused himself out of the room to go downstairs. 

Natalie tried to calm him down by smoothing his hair and gently saying into his ear “Mark. I’m sorry okay…L-let’s go eat okay?” Her touch didn’t help his heart ache and dismay. But he just needed to eat and leave it all, he couldn’t stand one more moment in Jackson’s room with Natalie digging around his stuff. Maybe he was a coward but this environment was nothing but toxic for him.

“Okay.” He finally said closing his eyes tightly and centering himself with any strength he had left. “Let’s go.” 

 

Sitting down at that big wooden table in the kitchen where only days ago Jackson had been fucking him on was the most sadistic part of the whole day. Lucio continued to tell stories of his travels and the places his work took him as Mrs. Parisi put tons of Italian delicacies amongst them. Among that was also a drink called spritz which was a combination of juice and alcohol, that was a welcome distraction. Everything smelled impeccable and somehow soothed the anxiety to a dull throb.

Natalie seemed to relax into the easy going conversation that Lucio provided which only seems to inch further under Mark’s skin. The old Italian man was enjoying the maltreatment he was giving Mark. Under the table Mark’s thumb was digging into his hangnails forcefully causing the pink skin to break and bleed bright red.

“But enough of my stories. I want to hear about you two.” Lucio prodded at them always making a point to make eye contact with Mark.

“What do you want to know?” Natalie raised her eyebrows encouraging a response, she always had a lot to say at the tip of her tongue.

Lucio folded his napkin in his lap and sat forward as if ready to retain more information. “How you two came to be would be a start.” 

“Well, we got engaged two years and just really became close. I think we are able to understand each other and where we come from. It has always been a good dynamic...And I could definitely see us having a family in the future.” Natalie’s hand goes to Mark’s under the table to smooth over it and encourage him to speak as well.

“We do compliment each other. Very much. She...encourages me to try, we met at a time where I was lost. I have a lot of responsibilities with my company coming up. She understands the pressure I’m under and helps me navigate. The timing of our engagement felt right.” He tried to look into her eyes for some kind of comfort but he couldn’t stop bouncing his leg. She was obviously a little hurt from the situation upstairs but she held it well with her soft smile.

“Two years of engagement, wow.” Lucio said with his mouth full of some type of bread. Mark bit his tongue, trying to feel the pain in his mouth instead of the pain in his stomach.

“There’s no rush. When it happens it does.” Mark pipes up this time trying to focus on his reflection in the glass as he drinks the spritz.

“What about getting married here? I know a few people that could help arrange something like that.” Lucio snaps his fingers for emphasis and by that comment Mark could actually hurl. 

Natalie perked up instantly at the thought, she looked out the window to the garden of flowers and fruit heavy with raindrops. “Well...it isn’t the worst place to get married.” 

“There is a lot of planning to go into that. And our parents are halfway across the world I don’t think I want that.” Mark sucked his teeth in irritation and Natalie this time was not as understanding of his temper.

She did not say anything but by the way she turned to Mark with hurt glazed behind her eyes she looked like a bruised lemon that had fallen from the tree and was now laying in the dirt.

“Only a suggestion, amico mio.” 

“Always a suggestion.”

Mark and Lucio could sense each other's tense words stalking around the other in a pissing contest. Whatever intention this lunch was for was now sending Mark further into pure hatred for Lucio. None of this felt real, not with someone he was supposed to marry at his side, a man who sent Mark to this fate and last of all Jackson nowhere in sight. The incandescent light bulbs from the light fixture above them flickered eerily.

“Um where is your restroom?” Natalie piped up amongst the thick silence in which Lucio gave her directions. Giving him a quick smile she excused herself from the table.

Now alone Mark was just waiting for Lucio to mention their promise. Just like this morning Mark could sense that the other had something to say, to implant his agenda more into Mark’s peace. The two stared emptily at each other.

“Good job. You found someone, she’s pretty.” Lucio’s words were simple but Mark had the urge to scream. Natalie was in no way a prize for listening to Lucio and leaving. It was not so much leaving as it was escaping. The man did not really give him the choice.

The clock ticked loudly in the background.

“You don’t have to beat around the bush Lucio.” Mark was spent, tired and ready for the truth of his visit. “Why are you here?”

The older man just chuckled deeply leaning back in his chair to smirk at Mark, “I can’t visit my property?”

“Did you know I was going to be here? I did all that you asked. I left all those years ago. Are you god damn happy about it? I owe you nothing. And Jackson had no idea I was coming back. We both moved on okay...so-so there is nothing you can hold against either of us. I moved on. So did Jackson.” Mark panicked, he meant to keep his stone demeanor but the man had cracked him. All Lucio had to do was look at Mark for him to break. 

Lucio stayed silent, looking very pleased at all that Mark just rambled. Mark was worked up, shaking his head in disbelief when Lucio had not even gone into in any details about him and Jackson. The man just got that far under his skin. His hands began to moisten in cold sweats and he had to blink back tears of frustration. 

Just then the sound of the front door opening caused both of the men to look towards the archway of the kitchen but instead of Natalie walking in it was Jackson. Not only that but on his arm with a girl Mark had not seen before. Jackson’s face instantly dropped as he walked in to see Lucio and Mark seated at the table, alone. 

There was nothing Mark could do or say to stop this trainwreck. His life being constraint and squeezed till there was no room to breathe left. Mark knew Jackson had flings, the first time he had confronted him this trip he had been sleeping with someone shamelessly, but this time it felt different. He had no room to tell him he couldn’t see other people, it wasn’t like that, it was just that he could not ignore the ache in his stomach. 

Everyone was frankly shell shocked to see each other, besides Natalie who waltz in with her purse from the bathroom. “Did I walk into something?” She chirped unaware of the clearly tense air.

Everything was no longer separate, everything he was trying to hide behind his back was now pried out of his hands. Jackson wasn’t his, he was frankly no ones. Natalie was his fiancé and she had no idea he had been with Jackson. And Lucio had an idea of all of this. He would not let it fall down all at once he had to exit the situation as soon as possible.

“Jackson just arrived. Who is this Jackson?” Lucio purred evenly.

Jackson was still frozen in place with that unreadable expression that meant he was reverting his emotions inwards. This whole time in which all of them stood dead still in the kitchen Jackson’s eyes had not left Mark’s, Mark could just read the sheer confusion behind them. Mark felt like prey, the world putting him in a situation of pure fate, a remit for his long overdue web.

“Maggie. We met at the beach.” Jackson’s voice was distant, his attention now on the way Natalie’s thin arm snaked around Mark’s midsection. His eyes blinked in a daze, warped in the space of the dream world he and Mark thought they were in. Neither was each other's in the end, it was all borrowed time.

Mark looked at his phone to see it was 3:35.

“It’s a pleasure to meet all of Jackson’s friends.” The random girl spoke up simply being polite in the awkward situation. Mark was sure of the fact they had come back to this house to hook up not expecting guests. Everyone in this room knew something that someone else did not want them to, it was pandemonium. 

There was no reason to hate this girl next Jackson, she seemed normal, she was objectively pretty, but he was realizing just how different their lives were now. The past was always permanent but their future so uncertain, the present even more convoluted. 

“How about we all sit down and eat together? There is plenty of food left. Mrs. Parisi can we get more silverware!” Lucio called out which immediately jolted Mark from his haze and in that moment he knew he had to exit the situation as easily as possible.

“We should probably get going we are both pretty full, thank you for having us over for lunch.” Mark bowed slightly trying to walk backwards out of the kitchen. 

Then a hand firmly gripped at his wrist snapping Mark’s attention up to Jackson who was looking disordered. No one could truly see Mark’s face from that angle so he silently pleaded to Jackson to let him leave. It was desperate but he could not handle any longer in this dense atmosphere. Jackson was just simply unaware from all that was happening and Mark could not spend any more borrowed time next to Jackson with that man staring at them.

“Jackson it was nice to see you again, always nice.” Mark said as evenly as he could.

Natalie wasn’t oblivious to the mood of everyone around her, she could since the disarray and it nerved Mark more than anything. 

Releasing his tight grip Jackson bowed to her and Mark shaking off any grueling feeling, “It is good to see you both too.” 

Mark wasted no time threading his fingers into Natalie’s and pulling them out of the house. It was true that him and Jackson could speak without words, read each other no matter how many years distant, and what he just read from Jackson was more than unsettling. The sand in the hourglass was running out for Mark, the truth was happening and he would not hide it in the waves.

 

Sitting on the beach it was now 5:51 and Natalie and him had been sitting in their clothes on the slightly damp sand for over an hour. Neither of them really said a word, they just watched the waves roll in and out, up to their feet and back. The rain had cleared leaving a beautiful and bright evening sky. 

Mark could sense that they both felt strange about their lunch at Lucio’s. He was bound to be asked some questions and he was wondering if Natalie figured Mark already knew Jackson or not. She knew Lucio knew Mark but that had been five years ago, it was possible Jackson was a new roommate. 

However, Natalie still kept her hand in Mark’s this whole time. She even at some points leaned her head onto his shoulder as they spent the remainder of their day sitting on the beach. It was perhaps comforting to not have the air filled with meaningless words, it was only them sitting together in solace.

 

Hiking back up the many stairs they arrived at their hotel. After having dinner at the restaurant attached to it, the couple wandered up to their suite. Natalie muttered something about a shower and Mark sat out on their balcony reading through paperwork he was ignoring. 

It seemed calm, it seemed serene to just sit and relax among the sparkling lights of the famous Positano hill. Maybe he felt displaced but he felt at home nonetheless. A tribal feeling of something akin to hope. He had none of it figure out, whatsoever, but it would be alright. 

There was no way he would have it all figured out in one sitting, in one thought process. It was going to take Mark a bit to figure out his own labyrinth of a mind, but he would.

He heard the shower turn off a bit ago but Natalie did not come out right away, she must be toweling off or sitting on her phone. But soon it turned into twenty minutes and he began to wonder what she was doing until he heard a faint “Mark...can you come here?”

Setting down his paperwork and pen he wandering back inside to find her. Suddenly as he turned the corner into the bedroom the whole air went cold. Never had he felt his blood turn into ice like that. His lungs were tight and his throat closed off as he walked in to see Natalie sitting on the edge of the bed, eyes black and an array of pictures spread across the floor, one in her hand. But those weren’t just any pictures, they were Jackson’s pictures - of him.

He walked closer, his whole body shaking at the sight, he felt numb, completely out of body. This wasn’t happening, it couldn’t be. The photos he was stepping over started off as just modeling photos, innocent ones, but as he got closer to the bed he was now stepping over a stream that turned into a raging current. There were pictures of him without clothes, with a hand around his jaw and love bites on his neck, of him in compromising positions. He felt his breath quicken, his pulse pounding in his veins, trying to rip out of his skin. He let out a strangled gasp. He was going to throw up. But then it got worse, the one she was holding. This one sealed his fate. In her hands was a picture of Jackson straddling Mark — with his lips planted firmly on his neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! And wow okay we are really getting this rolling now. Natalie knows and the shit storm is HAPPENING. I was excited to write this so please tell me your thoughts!! Comments and Kudos are loved a lot thank you all for reading. Don't feel shy to say anything comments fuel my creative energy and you can even comment on anon. Anyways love you all.


	13. Chapter 13

_It was no longer hot out, the sun had long set on the day. Birds circled the area squawking and diving down the steep curve of the cliff. The water was dark, almost black and crashed repeatedly against the old limestone._

_Mark stood on top of this cliff a ways off from town. Earlier in the day he had been too affair of the drop. Usually he was in for cheap thrills, never had he hesitated like this on adrenaline. Only hours earlier had Jackson and his friends jumped off this very cliff with ease, it was not deadly, there was no reason for his fear._

_Yet it felt so ominous, so other world in the middle of the night. He couldn’t not do it, it was now implanted firmly in his mind he must jump off. No matter how much his heart pounded or his lips sucked dry, he would do it._

_Mark had least some back up as Jackson volunteered to watch him do so. There was no judgement in his tone or second thought, he was glad to come along. Setting up camp Jackson laid back in a beach chair a few feet from the edge and observed the variation of constellations above them. In no way would Jackson ever find anything boring, he was entertainment himself._

_It had been forty three minutes of Mark staring over the ledge. It was at that moment that he then felt a hand thread through his fingers gripping and squeezing his hand reassuringly. Mark looked up from over the cliff to a Jackson smiling adorably with his mouth closed._

_“Jump together?” Jackson wiggles his eyebrow up to try to make the other laugh, he’s trying to calm the panic deepset in Mark’s eyes._

_“Would you really? Even in your clothes?” Mark asks skeptically._

_“Oh. Maybe not my socks.” Jackson quickly then takes off both his old sneakers and socks with his other hand, not letting go of Mark’s hand in his other._

_“There. On your mark...Mark.” Jackson laughs at himself which makes Mark break into laughing too, frankly at the whole situation. He feels another gust of wind soar up over the cliff through their hair rattling his brain._

_“Don’t let me go.”_

_“Have I ever?”_

 

Mark’s vision was going in and out he felt like at any moment he could pass out. The world was closing in, a dark tunnel with heavy stone walls and black cracks in his facade. He could only hear his own ragged breathing. Dropping to his knees Mark felt his throat tightening so much he had to gasp desperately for air. With everything in him he pulled his head up to look up at Natalie who sat deadly still — the veins in her eyes hot.

It should of been him that told her, it should of been him that broke the fatal news. But now, now he found himself in a puddle of scandalous photos, deeply personal to a relationship Natalie was blind to. 

“Nat...” Mark’s voice is hoarse, “Nat I-”

“What is this.” Natalie seethes with malice, with betrayal as she references the photo trembling in her hand. It stings Mark’s eyes. 

Mark is speechless. Lost for words, the right ones.

“Say something!” Natalie yells her voice echoing in the silence. Mark jumps, startled at the sound with no words coming to mind. “Say something now or I swear to god I’ll leave.”

“I don’t know what to say Nat.” 

“You aren’t denying it.”

Mark can’t meet her eyes and he cannot look down at the pictures surrounding him, nowhere is safe to lay his eyes on. It’s a pit of torture for the both of them. His breathing then hiccups once again.

“Oh god. This isn’t happening. Not to me, not to me.” Her hysterics break Mark’s heart, he feels the judgement finally upon him. The past strangling him and Natalie watching it all happen.

“Natalie please I’ll confess to it all. It will be okay.” Mark soothes trying to remain calm but his voice breaks at the end sending her further into a panic. Mark tries to kneel in front of her and grab her hands but she rips them away.

“How can you say that!” 

“These pictures are from five years ago.”

“And that makes it better? You lied Mark. You didn’t just hide this, you buried this deep down so i would never find out about it.” Natalie’s glare is black, so dark that there is not even a little brown in her eyes. Mark hears her words, accepts the complete trials he’s been putting her through.

“God, Natalie.” Mark chokes on his air again, “I’m so, so sorry.”

Her expression fades from anger to completely blank, “Jackson. This whole time it’s been Jackson.”

“What?” Mark shakes his head lost and desperate he then grabs hold of her hands and looks as if he is on his knees praying, the pure desperation evident in his posture. 

“We came here and you let me think he was a stranger to you! How did we end up here Mark? But not only did you just know him but-” Natalie now let’s out a quivering breath, “but you’ve been intimate with him.”

Mark doesn’t try to deny he just holds her hand:, head hung low, he feels the shame rise in his throat like bile. She doesn’t even know of his infidelity to her.

“Natalie I have to tell you-”

“And we have been seeing him consistently throughout this trip! I can’t even look at you the same. You never told me you were gay! I don’t give a shit but where is the damn honesty in this situation?” Her yelling doesn’t lower in volume but increase as her face turns red in embarrassment. She now gets up and starts to pace, throwing off his hands.

“I don’t know what I am Nat but-” Mark pleads but she cuts him off walking right up to his face as he stands up from the ground. 

“No! How could you not tell me that your ex-boyfriend or whatever lived in the one city we just happen to visit. Did you plan this? Was this all just to stab me in the back. You are spiteful Mark Tuan. You know that? Spiteful.” 

“Nat. Please just let me talk. I can’t lie any longer, it’s killing me.” Mark’s whole body is shaking, every nerve aflame. It is becoming too much to handle, at any moment he could pass out from the pressure of his blood in his veins.

“Lie? The truth is out.” That stops her from pacing as she halts right in front of him, her posture defensive.

Mark tries to meet her eyes his expression heavy. When she realizes there is a confession on the tip of his tongue her brain retracts further into panic. “There’s more to this.” 

Mark feels the whole room shift, the rug pulled out from under him and thrown off the balcony. He itches his arms in dismay. The whole room is spinning and his anxiety is swallowing him. 

Natalie’s whole face changes, the evident shift heartbreaking in itself as she begins to work out his next sentence in her brain.

“No. Mark. Don’t say it.” The tears are no longer hidden in her anger as the brim of her eyes start to water. “Don’t say it.”

The next words Mark says is possibly the hardest thing he has ever had to mutter, “I slept with him again.”

Shoving as hard as she can Natalie cries out “Who Mark!” Natalie pounds harder on his chest. “Say the fucking name!”

The world is going dark for him, no longer are there any tints to his rose colored world he built. Mark’s voice quivers as he let the fatal name past his lips, “Jackson.”

His Jackson who he would always love, the man who finally made him feel alive. The man who would do anything for Mark, the man that Mark would do anything for. And he would always be weak to his eyes, weak to his smile, weak to the heart he would never claim as his own.

But his heart did not matter, the heart that mattered was the only that Mark didn’t just break — but utterly shattered. The tears that left her eyes hot and fast, streaming down her cheeks in thick lines. In that moment Mark heard nothing but a high pitched ringing as she looked at him with the most devastated expression. 

In that moment he was shocked back into knowing how much he cared for her. This wasn’t anyone’s heart but his friend who he had promised a life with. This trip had damned them but the past two years flashed past him like a train moving through a dark tunnel. 

Her eyes blinked away the fast tears, Natalie took long strides towards the other side of their room turning her back so she stood stark in front of the closet. He could hear her trying to steady her breathing, the thought of looking back to him hurting too much. It felt like he was watching her back for forever, in a moment time stopped and let bask in betrayal. Suddenly then she dipped down into her bag, rapidly digging through it till she found a polaroid she always kept safe of her and Mark. Then throwing it into the pile of pictures on the ground she spat out, “For Jackson’s collection.” 

“Natalie please. Just talk to me.” Mark was desperate for them to work it out, to find some level headed place, he just wanted to comfort her more than anything.

But then he saw her grab Mark’s suitcase, drag it out of the closet and dumb the remains all over the floor in a gruesome aray. 

“Stop.” Mark whispered but instead she grabbed more clothes hanging up and started to throw them at him. The light fabric feeling like the cruelest punch to his skin. She did not stop the fabric practically drowning him, swallowing him up in bruises from cotton. 

“Natalie stop!” He went to collect what she was throwing about but as soon as he got close she shoved him back as hard as she could.

“You are filthy Mark Tuan. A fucking coward! Of all people. Of all of them.” The tears came down harder now, her face soaking deep in betrayal.

“I know. It’s my fault! Okay! I’m a coward and a lost one. I hate myself because I hurt you and I don’t know what to do to win your trust back but I admit to it all. I’m not perfect!” 

“Oh real smooth. Real nice.” Natalie sobs taking his tone wrong.

“I mean- God, no one is perfect Natalie. But I am in the wrong, I apologize.”

“You cheated. You fucked him! You fucked Jackson!” She repeats pushing him back again, the pile of clothes almost making them both trip, tangling them in the mess they created. Mark’s own anger not being able to subside at the way she is getting violent with him so he plants his foot down firm.

“Natalie you have cheated on me too so don’t act like you are a saint. In fact you have cheated multiple times.” Mark yells feeling the hot blood pumping harshly in his veins. This time Mark was fed up at the whole situation. She refuses to listen and he cannot stop the tears of exasperation.

“That was a long time ago.”

“Still happened.”

Natalie laughs between her sobs. “It’s ironic how worried I was that you thought I was cheating with Enzo when in reality you were cheating with Jackson.” 

A pin then dropped as her words seeped through his cracks. Mark is silent, realizing how his jealousy was misplaced, he was not denying how hypocritical he was. 

“So tell me why? Why him? Is this an ultimate plan to get back with your long lost Italy lover?” She scoffs sucking her teeth in resentment.

Mark feels his own tears tracing his cheeks in pathetic trails, “No. You picked here. I went along with it.”

“So tell me how we ended up here. Does that ring around your finger mean nothing? I mean I know you always made eyes at that bartender back home. What was her name? Did you take her too. Or would you rather go for your co-worker Jinyoung huh?” 

“Don’t say that. I never cheated with anyone else. You can’t be hypocritical and keep ignoring you also cheated on me Natalie.” Mark’s words cut sharply through the stuffy air. It was not right for her to throw out names of people in which he had only befriended. He didn’t know what else to tell her besides the truth.

Suddenly she finally let the fact of the matter simmer. Her crying stifling scary fast as her face morphed back into the stone it had been in the beginning. How it had both come full circle and Mark was able to experience the hurt of being cheated on and being the one that cheated. It hurt like hell to face the consequences of being in the heat of the moment. His mistake was irreversible. It almost devastated Mark more to see her become so internalized.

“Maybe we were meant for each other. You just let me know what it feels like on the other end.” Natalie whispered no longer meeting his eyes just staring blankly behind him.

“That was never my intention, at all! I will do whatever to make it up to you...I’ll give you space, leave the suite—”

“What and just go to Jackson?” The whiplash of the conversation never letting up as she was now able to give him the dark glare from earlier feeding off the grief of their trust.

“Stop saying that.”

“How long has it been...four or five years since you’ve seen him. If it had just been a fling how was it so easy for you to cheat? I mean I know why...the night we arrived here, the shock on your face. The way you disappear with him during the bonfire. The day on the boat when I thought you kissed me because you felt our spark again only for it to probably be to make him jealous. You disappeared countless times, in Capri. Then the way he grabbed your wrist today. I ignored it all because I had no idea you knew him, but now I realize my gut was always right that those were never just looks between acquaintances. I’m more observant than you think Mark, an idiot to let it happen under my nose, but I saw it all. And god I always have wanted someone to look at me like that. Not necessarily with overbearing and obvious love but with the look of a passion unlike anything else, a deep and selfless concern, no amount of time could seal that love.” Natalie was eerily calm giving this speech, her eyes glassy with remorse, with a hidden fear. Mark was stunned into silence, realizing that he was ignorant to think this girl who had been his friend for multiple years did not suspect anything abnormal about his behavior this trip, he was not prepared for what came next.

It was probably the most shocking thing amongst this whole argument but Natalie’s voice broke as she asked, “Did you ever love me like that Mark?” 

Mark was never prepared for this question. A simple question that should be cemented between a couple planning for marriage. The engagement period was never easy for anyone, it came with heavy life decisions, but he still had got down on one knee for her. So why was it hard to answer the question of love. He knew he cared deeply for her, this was his friend. Why did it feel like his blood prickled in his veins with anxiety over if he loved her, he promised to not lie to Natalie anymore. He hurt her with his infidelity but this question was bound to hurt more. Before he could answer Natalie cut his words off with the sharpness of her tongue. 

“I want you to leave Mark. Come back when you are sure of your answer.” 

 

It hurt, it hurt really bad. He tried to hold himself together as he walked aimlessly in the midnight warm summer air. Sometimes a family or group of people would pass him on the sidewalk. He had nothing but his feet to travel. He couldn’t meet any strangers eyes, any human contact would seem to break his hold. The dam was breaking down and he had nowhere to go. He couldn’t go to Jackson, lucio was at the house, he might even have a girl over and on top of all that his pride would not let him. Angelo’s house was very far up the miraculous hill for someone on foot to travel so that led him to a last resort.

Mark had no idea if this would work but with only the clothes on his back and his wallet he prayed this person would accept an old friend. Jumping the little iron gate Mark weaved his way back into the tight alleyway and down some stairs. Positano was filled with passageways and stairs that fed in and about town. Only someone that had been here for a long time would know their way back to this house. Every house in this area was stuck together as the city went from horizontal to vertical in multiple different formations, all while being painted very specific colors that the city did not allow anyone to change.

As he neared the end of the alley way he say a little nook on one of the walls in which there was a cutout. In the little cutout was a few wooden figurines behind glass that seemed to be holding hands amongst a bunch of little houses while looking out to a sunset painted at the back of the display. The hidden art stalled in his quick walk. A little treasure that warmed his drenched and sore rib cage around his heart. His current situation was hard but even a little bit of hope helped, and this helped. The details were filled with care.

Trudging on he arrived at his destination. After a solid knock on the door Mark waited for an answer. Maybe they were out, maybe it was too late to show up on someone’s doorstep but with one last knock of desperation he heard someone unlocking the door.

“Mark?” Naomi questioned looking befuddled at the man with puffy eyes standing at her door. She was ready for bed in sweatpants and old t-shirt, just freshly showered.

“Um. I don’t really have anywhere else to go. Can I stay here for just one night?” Mark hated feeling so vulnerable but there really wasn’t anywhere else he felt he could go or wanted to. 

With blown pupils Naomi nodded, “Yeah, yeah. Of course, come in.” 

The little home with big white archways and classic peach tiled floors was strangely reminiscent. He immediately wandered towards the couch tracing lightly the fabric of the hand knit blanket framing the back of a white couch. He wanted no further trouble than somewhere to crash.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Naomi suggests putting a cigarette between her teeth and offering one up to Mark in which he shakes his head.

“Frankly, not really.” Mark laughs pathetically but that was all Naomi needed to hear, not one to push someone further than the other asked. 

Smiling sadly between drags of her newly lit cigarette Mark feels the weight of it all more and more. And here he finds himself in the house of another ex. Naomi is an odd exception he could never figure out. She never really took a break up or blunt end to a fling personal and it was something Mark had always been gracious for. She was a raw beauty that lured anyone in yet Mark was more than glad to call her nothing more than a past friend at this moment.

“I’ll get a pillow for you.” Naomi declared as she strolled up the staircase behind her.

Mark settled into the couch by the window that was cracked open so he could hear the howling of the wind. Hugging his knees, Mark felt like he shrunk three sizes and was being swallowed by couch and throw blank. His sadness flowing in waves as he tried to divide his attention to any other thought in his brain.

But when she came back down and gave Mark the pillow it did not go under his head but in his arms to hug close to his chest in comfort.

As Naomi went to go back up stairs cigarette still burning brightly in the blue tinted night Mark called up to her “Thank you. Again.” 

“No problem. People still care about you here, that includes me. Don’t forget it.” Naomi consoled before she turned on her heels and walked back up to her bedroom.

Only when Mark was completely alone did he will himself to finally cry. And oh did he cry, sobbing being silenced in the borrowed pillow between his arms. He would get through this, they both would, but whether together was the question. And with each time the question of did he love her came to his mind — he never had the answer.

 

The sleep was empty and shallow, never did Mark fully fall asleep but he still rested his eyes and cleared his mind as best as he could. Upon the birds finally chirping and the sound of the first church bells Mark was well aware that he could let himself be awake. When he looked to the clock a ripe 6:07 was bursting in bright red lights.

Rubbing his eyes deeply Mark felt the restless sleep behind them. Sitting up abruptly Mark slumped his back against the couch and looked at the back wall that was beginning to brighten as the morning sun rose. It felt like ten whole minutes that he did nothing but stare blankly, emptying the mind of any pity for himself he could.

He did not expect forgiveness, he did not expect to immediately have an answer, but he could not fathom the right option at the moment, he would rather just gloat.

Spending time on his phone browsing and waiting for Naomi to wake up, he passed the time easy for anyone that wakes up earlier than planned. He had no real idea what he was supposed to do at this hour but simply enjoy the cool morning air on an old friend’s couch was the reality. Until he heard an unexpected knock on the door just adjacent to the couch.

It was surprising, almost confusing to who would be Naomi’s visitor at this hour till he saw Jackson walk right over to the window, not look at Mark but stick his hand under the flowers in the window box and find a soil ridden extra key.

Within a few moments Jackson had burst through the door and was now looking down at Mark lying dumbfounded on the couch.

“What are you doing here?” Mark questioned. It was probably not good timing to see the man forcing an internal and emotion conflict in his crumbling relationship — he still felt a ting of joy to see him nonetheless.

Jackson looked over the boy fumbling with his fingers nervously, “Natalie’s boyfriend texted me that you were spending the night on their couch. He just asked if I knew why and I didn’t get that text till the morning and when I did I- I just wanted to come see if you were okay.” 

The boy was rambling but the sudden worry and affection from Jackson and embarrassment that a boyfriend of Naomi’s was upstairs this whole time made Mark unexpectedly get emotional. The tears stung noticeably so Mark hid his face into the pillow next to him to stop them from spilling. 

It was not until he felt the couch dip and a soothing hand on his back did he actual start to cry again. The care Jackson had for him had lasted, even amongst the hell he put him through, the hell Mark went through, their relationship was impenetrable. Mark wished for the hand to never leave his side. And he let Mark cry - did not speak till the cries slowly drained out.

“She knows doesn’t she.” Was all Jackson stated very calmly. His suspicions were right. 

Sitting up and looking towards the man Jackson read past his stare, the look of exhaustion too present in Mark’s expression. Nodding Jackson’s eyebrows creased and he weighed the situation very seriously. 

“Mark...I’m so sorry. It’s my burden too. Please don’t only blame yourself.” Jackson never let his hand leave Mark’s back even as he sat up. His presence was the biggest wave of comfort. That very hand then hesitated but trailed up to cup Mark’s cheek and Mark sighed into the feeling of every callus.

Putting his hand over the rough hand Mark shook his head, “This is all such a mess. We both can only take so much.”

Swallowing roughly Jackson just nodded in return taking a moment to mull over Mark with his eyes. Their knees touched. 

“Did I just ruin your engagement?” Jackson asks softly.

“The only one that would have ruined that is me.” Mark replies back firmly. He’s tired of making Jackson feel any guilt. 

“Do you regret it? If I’m honest I don’t think I can say I do.” Jackson states his jaw locks but his thumb rubs at the expanse of Mark’s cheek.

After Mark shakes his head tears now brim Jackson’s own eyes and Mark doesn’t stop his own from gently falling and coating Jackson’s hand.

And once Jackson’s face contorts and the composure of his emotions is gone Mark takes the boy into his own arms and becomes the one smoothing over his back. They then reposition, Jackson laying tightly behind Mark as he wrapped his arms around the boy’s waist and they spoon in the comfort of each other. Sometimes silence becomes the best comfort.

They lie there together in the morning light as the rest of the town is still fast asleep. For awhile it feels like they are the only two in the world, bore of complications. In another life maybe they met in a less complicated situation. Mark wishes for that world each time Jackson would nuzzle his head into the nape of Mark’s neck causing Mark to hum softly. Mark felt finally safe in the arms of his past.

Maybe his time for healing was in the comfort of another, no words needed to be said, just the feeling of the other’s chest rising and falling behind Mark. Just the feeling of strong arms hugging Mark’s midsection. There was something strangely beautiful of the match in muscles between them Mark bulking up from five years ago, yet his bones remained the same. No amount of maturing, wrinkle, could change who they were at the core.

Love had confused him and spun him around but if he could bask in this moment maybe he would be alright. If he could remember this feeling and hold onto it for the rest of life then whoever he ended up with, it would be okay. But when Jackson suddenly held on tighter Mark realized he would never be satisfied without this particular feeling constantly, a taste only lasts for moments.

Even when Naomi and her boyfriend stumbled down the stairs neither really commented on the two on the couch as they smiled and made their way to the kitchen. In theory maybe Mark should of been angry that his privacy was breached, that Naomi’s boyfriend told Jackson of his whereabouts but he was not.

At one point Naomi set down two cups of coffee on hand beaded coasters in front of them. As Mark went to sit up and reach for it Jackson had groaned and reached for the boy to cuddle back into the couch but Mark desperately craved the caffeine. Mark’s eyes felt raw from the crying and at this moment felt he had none left in him.

“Need the coffee.” Mark pouted swatting back to Jackson who just grumbled something and turned around to probably get some more sleep.

When Mark cupped his hands around the mug and felt the warmth, again a sense of comfort washed over his senses. Looking back to Jackson who was now turned towards the window Mark gently laid back down behind him with his arm propping his side up so he could still hold the mug.

There won't ever be another Jackson. No one matches his insane personality complex, of charming, sweet and naive to bold, strict and headstrong it was the strangest blend of inconsistency that made him that much more alluring. It proved the theory that humans are never just one type. Mark was not just shy and reserved he had all the capabilities to be talkative and funny, many sides of the moon to be revealed. Jackson just happened to show many sides naturally.

Sleepless nights were worth it to once again be an observer in Jackson’s presence. If he could go back and do it all over again, pain and all, he would if he even got one ounce of Jackson’s attention. Mark was sure the love between them was irreversible no matter how much they strayed from each other. Your first love is forever implanted deep in your mind.

“Hey Mark, Jackson, do either of you want breakfast?” Mark turned around to see Naomi leaning against the door frame in an oversized sweatshirt, watching the two cuddled up on the couch.

Mark sat up to turn around and look at Naomi unsure of his answer, there was a part of him that wanted to get breakfast only with Jackson, they had some more things to talk about.

“I think... we planned to go out for breakfast right Jacks?” Mark said tentatively trying to coax Jackson into the idea that they already discussed this.

Jackson now sitting up, rubbed his eyes deeply with the palms of his hands and nodded cutely.

“Seriously thank you though Naomi, you didn’t have to lend me your couch. I’m very grateful.” Mark reassured, standing up to hug her because he couldn’t express the real trouble he was going through, even if she could guess.

Hugging him back tightly Naomi said gently into his ear, “You always have a home here.”

And Mark knew what she meant, not this particular home but here, in Positano. 

 

After Jackson came to his senses and the sleep subsided the two began to walk down the cobblestone paths towards the center of town in search of a place for breakfast. The morning sun was blatantly bright making Mark squint. Only at some points would the houses provided shade but most of the time Mark was looking down at both of their shadows walking alongside each other. He knew they both had to hash out the truth, Mark had yet to talk about Natalie’s ultimatum. 

Jackson’s silence was true to the sudden realization they weren’t just waking up from a typical morning together, as something more than past lovers. It was heavy. But at least his senses flared up in little shocks from each brush of their hands as they walked.

Upon finding a little cafe with outdoor seating they sat under a table with a striped umbrella. Then they no longer had to squint under the blazing sun that more than just warmed their skin. Jackson was slouching slightly in his chair, nervously bouncing his leg as he looked absently at the menu.

“I think I’m just going to eat more coffee.” Jackson mumbles unenthusiastically causing a curt laugh from Mark. The sound makes Jackson quickly look up from his menu and then back to it with a small smile.

“Is that apart of your no carb diet?” Mark suggests now looking down at his menu to avoid Jackson’s glare. 

With a chuckle and a shake of his head Jackson looked back down at the menu as if it was safety blanket.

“Not everyone had the Mark Tuan perfect physique.” Jackson exaggerates sticking his tongue snuggly in the corner of his mouth.

“Oh do not give me that. You know you have the ideal body.”

Jackson laughs at little louder and drops his menu to point right at Mark, “Only after forty hours of gym time! You eat like the whole menu and get abs out of it.”

“Want to know my secret?” Mark lifts his eyebrow setting his down his menu more subtly than Jackson to reclaim his gaze.

“Honestly no-”

“Genetics.”

And rightfully Jackson grabs the sugar packets in the center of the table and throws them right at him all while scrunching his nose playfully. Mark just shields his face, grinning lazily. As the waitress comes for their order they both just settle for some kind of breakfast sandwich realizing they were only avoiding eye contact instead of actually looking at their options.

Sitting silently they both let their smiles simmer out and the real topic of conversation faces the pair. Who is the first to speak is the question.

“You probably want to know more details.” Mark tries his best to not pick too hard at his fingers as he works up the words from the back of his throat.

“I think I’m most curious how.” Jackson sighs crossing his arms.

“Well when you brought home that girl... we had been having lunch with Lucio because he wanted to meet Natalie. And when she had gone to the bathroom I’m guessing she went snooping in your room and saw the uh, photos of me you took and grabbed them. She had all of them- spread out on the floor.”

Jackson looks up to meet his eyes with intensity, “She went into my room?”

“It was an invasion of privacy I told her-”

“How did she know where it was?” 

“Lucio gave a tour of the house and that was a place he showed. I knew it was fucked.” Mark brows furrow in sympathy, he would of been angry at hearing that too.

“I’m really not okay with that. Lucio should of asked.” Jackson gloats and little did he know the whole truth about Lucio nonetheless the current situation, the anxiety at the sound of name settled right into the back of Mark’s mind.

“I know. I agree. I had no part in that.” Mark reassures hoping the anger wasn’t aimed towards him.

“Like what pictures of you?” 

“The ones in the shoebox…”

And at that mention Jackson’s eyes go wide and he visibly looks like he feels something crawl under his skin.

“Jesus…who the fuck does that? Those were incredible private.” Jackson is now livid, the veins in his neck tense and poking out from under his skin.

Mark licks his lips nervously, “Well it revealed all she needed to know. I hid our whole past and present from her.”

“She does deserve truth but that’s still not okay for her to go through my stuff. I mean those photos were anything but innocent.”

“I know Jackson!” Mark whispers losing his patience and just frustration generally. “But how are any of us in the right.”

Jackson retreats, jaw clenched as if he is trying to break his own teeth with the force. 

“Not only that but she asked if I love her and I didn’t have an answer.” Mark looked up to Jackson who looked back at him blankly at the confession, his eyes flicker with something unreadable, something dangerous.

“I need to come up with an answer if I want to go back to our hotel.” Mark pleads to someone that doesn’t have the answer. Jackson is still in a defensive position but seems to be listening intently.

“Honesty is all you have. Do you even know what love feels like?” Jackson sighs.

“Of course I do. I-” Mark is almost dumbfounded by his response, the man in front of him was someone he loved. He remembered that Jackson loved him back, did that feeling fade.

“I loved you.” Mark asserted looking at Jackson as if the man punched the right air out of him, at that Jackson immediately softened as if he misspoke greatly.

“That’s not what I meant. God. You have no idea what I felt for you. Still feel, never can I let go of that emotion. No amount of string of words could describe that feeling between us. I don’t want you to think for a second that wasn’t mutual I meant with her. Did you feel that feeling of endless falling, encompassing warm right here.” Jackson reaches across and spreads his hand right over mark’s heart. “Please ask yourself this.”

Mark is taken aback at the sudden proclamation, feeling way to overwhelmed with the remembrance of their past selves. He wants desperation to turn the sand timer over and get back lost time. Mark knows that Jackson can feel how much his heart is racing and in lets the emotions suppressed rise for a moment, let’s himself forget responsibility and loyalty for a betrayal of logic. He then tangles his ankles with Jackson as if letting him know he understands the loss of their love.

“There are more reasons than just her-” Mark starts but then the waitress comes up to their table at the wrong time with their food and coffee that she forgot to bring earlier. Always at the most inconvenient points of conversation is he interrupted.

When she leaves Jackson looks back to Mark for the rest of his answer.

“I just carry baggage. I’m sorry you had to fall in love with someone so confusing.” Mark laughs at his misfortune knowing his life is one huge clusterfuck.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.” 

And Mark smiles sadly at that, he has always known this factor — his love for Jackson doesn’t waver.

“Is this the part where I call you honey and we kiss.” Jackson jokes trying to lighten the mood by making a goofy kissy face and luckily this idiot can always make him warm, even for a fleeting second.

“Tell her today. Then call me, if it’s either yes you love her or no you don’t, I want to know.” Jackson proclaims simply and Mark understands.

“Can we meet tonight instead. At the main beach, ten o’clock?”

“Sure Yi-en.” 

 

Much later after walking around aimlessly for hours Mark worked up the courage to be honest with Natalie. And now after that he sits incredibly nervous in the cold sand of the main beach with only the lights of the hill behind him and the stars above. It’s now a quarter past ten and Jackson has yet to meet him.

The stars are comforting to Mark shining and steady. He wonders if it would be easier to be a star, stuck in one place and free of decisions. Decisions make everyone human, yet it plagues everyone with responsibility and logic. It’s never easy for anyone to find their path, it’s been particularly grueling for Mark. Even the bright stars burn out.

Waves were beginning to wash up higher towards Mark who sat right on the edge of one of the beach chairs left out. It was quite relaxing and it was all too possible he wouldn’t leave even if Jackson stood him up, which would sting if he did. The conversation was begging to leave his tongue, the more he waited the more the anxiety persisted like the waves in front of him.

It was then ten minutes of wave watching later he heard the gravel and stones behind him so he turned around to see Jackson practically jogging over to him. The lights of the city a black light to him so most of his face was covered in shadows but he still felt bright to Mark. 

Out of breath Jackson walked right up to him with a worried expression. “Mark I’m sorry, I saw that this couple that was trying to move some furniture down some steps and I had to help them since it was really heavy and I lost track of time-”

“Hey Jacks, it’s fine.” Mark was oddly calm even with the nerves mulling over in his brain, he was just glad the other showed up. Of course this man had to stop to help some couple, it made Mark proud of the goodness in his heart.

“You aren’t mad?” Jackson sat at a beach chair adjacent to Mark still breathing a little heavy, legs opened wide in his typical comfortable sitting position. 

“No. I’ve had a lot of time to think, it’s been nice.” Mark looked out to the waves and the white capes pulling in and out, it always grounded him. He knew this sadness would continue to waver in and out.

Jackson looked out to the waves too as if he wanted to drown his own fears in them. He used the pull of the tide to build the courage to ask, “So...what did you end up telling her.”

“Well...It went different than I expected. I went in to tell her that I was not sure if I loved her and that she could decide where we go from there. But then she said she had already made up her mind. She proposed this deal, which in theory sounds uh kind of unromantic.” Mark started his story watching the stars hugging the horizon in the distance but soon turned back to Jackson asking for eye contact which the other granted searching Mark’s eyes like Mark search the stars.

“She suggested that we can make the decision if we love each other or not at the end of the summer. We can still share the hotel room and go on trips together but at the end if we find that we did love each other we will stay together but for the time being we aren’t together.” Mark holds his finger up to show the ring no longer there, ‘It’s really uncertain but it benefits us both. We need to find ourselves first, distance will be good.”

Jackson listens intently with a bit of a troubling expression nodding along as Mark explains. The air feels hotter as mark waits for a response that Jackson seems to be thinking hard about. Suddenly the nerves are back, what will he think about this break he is on. Was this the wrong choice of words? 

“I’m glad you can find your footing again, if you felt lost.” Jackson finally says folding his hands in his lap neatly. Mark feels unsatisfied with that answer as if he was expecting Jackson to tackle him to the ground in joy.

“We could you know...try again.” Mark points out as if it was the obvious answer to the question in which Jackson’s eyes snap briskly up to Mark. There is a tense moment held in between the space of the bright red beach chairs.

“Listen, I don’t want to be second choice Mark.” Jackson snorts, offended at the suggestion which takes Mark aback. He assumed they were on a similar page earlier that it felt nice to be in each other’s presence, that they miss each other, that they found themselves kissing in Capri only a few days earlier. Maybe he was miss reading this all.

“I- you aren’t. I thought with Capri, and earlier today.” Mark is lost for words taking too bold of a stance on a sensitive topic. “I don’t want to pressure you, we can go slow.”

Jackson laughs at that and puts his face in his hands breathing thoroughly through his nose.

“What? What did you expect to hear? What did you want to hear? This is as if-”

“As if you weren’t engaged only earlier today?” Jackson pipes up sarcastically.

Now Mark is offended crossing his arms he retorts “What is with the mood change?”

Jackson gets up exhaling loudly again, walking away from their position on the beach towards the water as if he can just leave the conversation. Mark gets up to run after him grabbing his shoulder to get his attention again.

“Can you just talk to me normally?”

Whipping around Jackson directs his frustration at Mark a gentle gust of wind combing through his hair. “You can’t expect me to drop everything for you Mark. I have a life here! I have friends, I don’t have anyone to tie me down. It’s kind of selfish to assume I would be your fling while you figure out if you love her or not.”

“Jackson. I’m not asking you to immediately jump into a relationship or anything. We don’t have to do anything okay? I said I would tell you what happened why are you mad that I’m stepping away from her for a while. I care for you deeply and I will do whatever you ask of me.” Mark is trying hard not to let the frustration burn behind his eyes. This man that only hours before was holding him as he wept is now turning away.

Jackson bites his cheek intensely as he looks at Mark in his entirety, the Mark who hasn’t been in his presence for five years. He hasn’t forgotten the way they confessed how much they missed each other. Mark takes a step closer not letting the gaze between them waver, he once again felt that familiar spark in the air. Their emotions catching fire as they do each time, Jackson shivered, feeling it too.

“You’ve never been second choice. I convinced myself out of true happiness and I regret it so fucking much. I want to give you time too Jackson.” Mark speaks softly only allowing Jackson to hear his moving words in the breeze that goes from his lips to Jackson’s. 

Jackson’s hand hesitates before cupping Mark’s cheek in which Mark feels that natural pull neither can avoid. The man looks just as confused as earlier but he allows himself this moment to believe Mark is really there in front of him.

“This decision is still fresh, I need to think. It’s not because I don’t love you. It’s _because _I love you that I refuse to just fall back into your arms on first request.”__

__And Mark understands in that moment, he has to work to have Jackson back. And he will do whatever it takes._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my loyal readers I hope you enjoy the update this was pretty conversation heavy but it is important stuff for sure!! anyone expecting that response from natalie? its about to go in an interesting direction. Writing this is really making me miss italy whew.
> 
> I would love, as always to hear your thoughts, your theories on where this will go, etc. Also who is your favorite character so far? Love you allll


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please if you have time go leave positive comments on Jackson’s Instagram/Twitter. I’m worried and love him.  
> Writing helps with my anxiety. Sorry for poor editing I’m posting this late late at night. If you have time comments and support encourage me to keep writing.  
> love you all.

Mark never minded silence. It never bothered or unnerved him. He could simply be alone in silence and feel at ease. The thing was that he didn’t mind company either. He could accompinate someone and feel just as content. Sometimes people took his own silence as he did not want to be in the moment with them, but rarely was that the case.

Spending a few days by himself and not worrying about someone else, whether Jackson or Natalie, was refreshing. It felt like the silence had been filled with constant company in the last few years that the still air of solitary was a feeling he did not know he missed. The absence of words and thoughts was what he needed on a vacation, unlike the consistency of sorrow he has been experiencing.

It felt like after you cry your eyes raw and red until you exhausted yourself yet somehow feel better. Mark was feeling better by the third day of being by himself. He hadn’t gone back to the hotel suite for two nights, preferring Natalie’s or Angleo’s couch. It was that next day, however, that he went back to the hotel room. And as much as he and Natalie tried to stifle tension, it was there. Luckily they were able to sleep in the same bed and share a mutual space with maturity. Yet, each night before bed, they silently pulled the sheets to opposite sides with a hollow feeling.

There was also this hidden determination to make Jackson feel worthy. To make him feel like he wasn’t just a consolation prize for Mark no longer being in a technical relationship. The rules still felt open ended and a testament to where Mark’s heart laid. He wasn’t going to pursue Jackson right away without heavily considering what he was doing. Jackson’s heart was no game to Mark, he greatly cared for the endless deep eyes and goodness of his conscious. The Jackson he knew was selfless and courageous, he thought of others and he laid himself on the line for those he cared about. He was proud Jackson found a voice to be selfish for once, to tell Mark that he could not just come in and win him back right away.

Mark promised himself he would always do what was best for Jackson all those years ago and at the time he had thought that was leaving. The threat of Jackson being kicked out because of him, to be stranded from a dream, was too much to bare. That line was now beyond blurred for Mark, that one fatal decision now plagued him once again. It was eerie how Positano seemed just as it once was, it felt like a second chance as his toes sank further into the endless sand.

Even if he would never find another moment to feel what it’s like to sink his lips into the mouth of that man again, to feel every bit of slick corner and be felt back, he would remember the feeling nonetheless. The feeling of belonging. And after a few days of isolation, the disposition was replaced with determination. He would show Jackson that he cared. Jackson was someone forever etched and sown into his skin. 

It wasn’t even Mark who sought out Jackson this time but the sun Mark was basking in was suddenly blocked by a shadow. Blinking twice before sitting up on his arms Mark’s eyes squinted in confusion. 

“When there are barely two beaches it’s hard not to run into each other, isn’t it?” Jackson sighed, the sun no longer being the brightest thing in Mark’s view. He wore that wordless smile that lingers and scrunches at his eyes.

With an extended hand and a grip Mark was being hoisted up. The two began to stroll down the beach after Mark wrapped his towel loosely around his neck. 

“I wanted to give you space in case…” Mark urged as they wove through the copious amount of people and beach chairs till they were just teetering along the edge of the waves that rolled in.

“Don’t worry about that.” Jackson shook away the comment, looking concerned as his eyebrows creased and his attention drawn down at the sand. “I’m still perfectly capable of being around you. I like it, I mean if we are going to share the same city for the summer...”

Mark nodded also averting his attention to the dark colored damp sand.

When Mark gazed back to the man walking slowly next to him, Jackson looked like he was about to say something. His mouth was ready to let the words spill when suddenly he snapped his jaw shut and swallowed visibly. The sun reflected gently the red tones in his hair.

“It’s still a weird concept that I’m strolling down the beach with Mark Tuan.” Jackson laughed at the irony shaking out the previous thought. Mark chuckled at that too, hiding his curiosity for the unspoken words the other had.

“I could say the same for you. I didn’t think I would ever be on this beach again.” Mark replied.

“Well the future is so uncertain, isn't it? We always think our lives will turn out one way...” Jackson adds as he simultaneously reaches down for a shiny green piece of beach glass that sparkles in the sunlight.

Without a second thought the man plops the round and tumbled piece of beach glass right into Mark’s hand. It’s a simple gesture but somehow it makes Mark feel warm inside as he gently tucks it into his swimshort’s pocket for safe keeping as if afraid Jackson might take it back.

Poking fun at the other Mark nudges him “Well thank you philosopher Wang.” 

“Philosopher Wang.” Jackson repeats, and there it is, that stuttered high pitched laugh echoes back in Mark’s ears.

“I could be one...really, if I wanted, maybe.”

“For sure Jacks.”

“Why do I feel like you pick up on hobbies really well? Like even if it wasn’t on your radar you would pick up crocheting and be good somehow.” Jackson jogged a little ahead so he could turn around and face Mark while walking backwards. “You have had to pick up on something new since I last saw you. What is it? Painting? Another language? Oh! Writing!”

The boy’s enthusiasm and cheeky curiosity was beyond amusing to Mark. “Writing?”

“A writer and a photographer...We are really bringing in the big bucks, aren't we.” Jackson’s tone was dripping in sarcasm. An uncontrolled smile reaches Mark as he quickly reacted to pull Jackson away from running into someone.

“I’m not a writer. I’m a businessman.” Mark spoke playfully not trying to dive too deep into his current career choices as he was still questioning if it was right for him.

“Hmm. Maybe so. But you sure do have that look of a handsome and brooding writer.”

This time Mark actually went for a shove making Jackson hop out of place and towards an unwarranted family. As he deserved Mark got a shove back towards the water and he felt his ankles get sprayed by the incoming wave.

Tongue in his cheek Jackson smiled, “For no reason huh? I complimented you!”

“Just felt like it.” 

“And you’re the one that’s gonna be a CEO?” Jackson rolled his eyes and Mark smiled gently to himself, just fond of the way they fall back into an easy banter.

After a beat of silence they soon found themselves nearing the end of the beach as the obtuse cliff on the opposite side abruptly cuts them off. The main beach now fading behind them and the amount of people dwindling. He wished it stretched on endlessly, the chatter between them not being cut off by the natural formation of rocks.

“Hey.” Jackson caused them to halt so he could face Mark properly. “So I’m going to be in a sailing competition tomorrow. It kicks off right from the main beach and if you feel like it, would you maybe want to come?”

“Yeah.” Mark was too quick to answer his tone sharp and coming off more eager than he wanted. But by the way Jackson sunk back on his heels and radiated joy was enough to muffle his embarrassment.

“Good. Cool.” The grin Jackson gave him made his pulse leap. “It’s at uh- at four.”

“Perfect.” 

 

It wasn’t even really a question. He felt supporting Jackson in a sailing race was a perfectly acceptable afternoon activity. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for Jackson to want to compete in this kind of race. Jackson was naturally competitive and found much pleasure in sports. He hasn’t had a real sports outlet since he left Hong Kong so sailing naturally became his Italy support. 

The beach was quite crowded for this event, it was always something that brought even locals to the crowded beach. The sun was high and hot and the waves calm, no delays for the competition. 

Mark tried to weave his way to the front of the crowd and to where the competitors were. He really just wanted to find Jackson before so he could wish him luck. However the way that everyone had already set up various chairs and little beach camps for watching obstructed his view. 

The atmosphere was loud, filled with unfamiliar voices and excitable families. Mark had to walk along the outside of the crowd to the docks where he finally saw the man he was searching for. Alongside the grey stone wall that hugged the sandy beach was Jackson in the middle of a story with the other competitors. As he used his hands to describe something the Hong Kong boy caught a glimpse of Mark and started to smile, acknowledging him but still continuing to talk.

Possibly one of Mark’s favorite things was catching Jackson’s eyes from across the room.

Not only did Mark remember falling for every inch of his skin, the way his eyes and smile lines crinkle, the dip of his lips, the big round eyes, the perfectly arched nose, he knew other people also fell. Found themselves in quicksand, never being able to pull themselves out of the alluring nature of Jackson. Mark was a firm believer that he is lucky to know Jackson, the fact he is or was able to be someone in his life, in any way, he was lucky. 

After muttering something to the circle of people around him Jackson popped out from the crowd to jog over to where Mark was standing, arms crossed and smiling.

“You came.” Jackson said breathless as if it was an incredulous thing for Mark to do.

“Wouldn’t miss it. I hope you haven’t lost your touch.” Mark raised his eyebrows to poke a little fun at the other.

“Well it’s good thing I have a partner in this competition then isn’t it? But hey! With these I think i’ll be just fine.” Jackson then held up his arms with a goofy grin.

Mark can’t help but shake his head, not that he disagrees. Not with the impeccable condition Jackson is in.

“But seriously, thanks for coming. I think I could use some motivation. I haven’t won this competition in a long time. Third and fourth place consistently really gets to someone.” Jackson’s voice suddenly getting lower revealing the nerves he is feeling. 

“I’m sure there are professionals in this competition, it’s hard.” Mark tries to soothe but it just appears to make Jackson even more jumpy.

The younger boy starts to ring his wrist and bounce on his heels at the thought, distractedly scanning the crowd. Maybe that wasn’t that exact right thing to say. Mark is really trying to put up boundaries in favor of giving Jackson the space he deserves but the need to comfort him is overwhelming.

Stepping forward and closing the aching space between them Jackson’s eye snap to Mark, slightly taken aback. The sudden closeness feels more familiar than anything, makes more sense than anything Mark has been trying to sort out.

With every ounce of sincerity Mark gently grabs Jackson’s shoulder and pointedly looks into his eyes, “I believe in you.”

The way Jackson’s eyes look so concentrated and round at that comment just makes Mark want to hold him close and reassure him a thousand times over. Jackson barely nods and Mark squeezes his shoulder encouragingly. They don’t need to even voice the mutual understanding, it’s there, between the space.

There’s then a breeze that comes to ruffle the edge of Jackson’s soft hair as he looks intently at Mark, it’s a very intimate stare and Mark knows he is looking right back at him the same. The hand on his shoulder seems to burn and it’s not from the sun. They always knew how to read each other's eyes, it makes something deep in Mark stir.

“You got this Jackson.” Mark breaks the intensity trying to hype him up instead. He is trying to ease away from their feelings, their connection. As Mark goes to step away Jackson halts his movement.

“Thank you Mark. Really.” The softness in Jackson’s voice strums Mark’s heart strings.

“Of course.” 

“Can you distract me momentarily?” Jackson asks and Mark hates the initial dirty thoughts plaquing his thoughts when all the boy wants is a change in topics.

“Uh well... I tried that mocha I remember you never stopped raving about. I was always hesitant about drinking coffee with chocolate but I cannot deny…”

Jackson’s grin grows in a sly way, “Yeahhh?”

“It was good.” 

Laughing loudly Jackson stumbled from his laughter and did a little victory move. The excitement was enough for Mark to be content with the confession. Whatever would help calm the other’s nerves worked for Mark.

“You always questioned my taste and look where we are now. I never thought I’d see this day.” Jackson states proudly.

Then in the back someone, presumingly Jackson’s boating partner, called his name. The race was about to begin and the nerves seemed to return to Jackson’s features.

“You won that coffee battle Wang.” Mark said finishing up their conversation. Jackson grinned hesitantly as he began to hype himself up for the race. 

Just as Jackson began to turn to go back to the group of competitors, Mark quickly grabbed his arm and put his lips right up to ear so only he could hear. “Remember. I’m betting on you.”

And with that Jackson took a deep breath, gave Mark a beholden expression and turned on heels ready to take on the biggest of waves. 

Finding a spot along the side of the dock where he could sit and watch the whole event, Mark nestled in between two separate couples. He couldn’t help the secondhand nerves he felt for Jackson. He wanted him to do well, his best actually. It wasn’t like he wasn’t competitive either, but Mark truly believed in Jackson’s athleticism. He wanted more than anything to see this boy content. 

Luckily Mark had a hat on so he didn’t have to squint, the sky cloudless and sun bare. The waves seemed to get slightly more choppy but the race was definitely still on as all the contenders started to line up their sail boats near shore. Three bright red buoys, with one pretty far in the distance, were lined up as the course in the water.

Along with the nerves ran excitement for Mark. It was quite thrilling watching someone he cared for compete in a serious race. He felt like a fan, and with everyone else bustling with excitement around Mark was washed with a sense of pride.

The man Jackson was paired with was unfamiliar to Mark but he seemed a little older, at least in his forties. They sat side by side in their life jackets ready for the competition to begin. It was easy while he was alone to overhear the murmurs of who everyone was rooting for. 

Suddenly the announcer was silencing everyone and the race was being counted down. The various boats full of colorful sales with balent numbers so the announcer could narrate their progress lined up. Mark could see where Jackson was positioned as all the boats floated out to get in a line as best as possible. 

When the announcer started counting down Mark felt every bit of anticipation, he was hoping his words gave Jackson any courage he needed, even if only a little. Then every bit of hair stood up on Mark’s arm as the horn blared and echoed throughout the beach. All the sail boats were off.

Soon becoming a mess of shouts and blur of colors, all the boats tried to catch the wind using different techniques and skills. Eventually as they sailed forward the line of boats thinned out and Mark searched around for Jackson’s boat. 

He then found the number of his boat 03. The pair seemed to be hovering around fourth but the race had just begun. It was a three buoy course that was just two laps. The sail boats were easing away from the beach at quite a speed, soon it was hard to catch anyone’s face. Mark, to the best of availability used his ear to scope out who everyone was rooting for. The verdict seemed to be either 02 or 05. But Mark had a different number in mind, and he wasn’t giving up. 

A lot of the chatter was in Italian in which Mark couldn’t really make out what they were saying. But then he overheard one comment from a tourist that sparked his interested

“Hey didn’t you see that one really cute guy that helps load the ferry ships? I think I saw him on one of the sail boats?” 

“Oh no way. Wait shit. Which boat?” Another voice replied. 

“I think number three. Yeah wait do you see the boat coming back this way, that’s him.”

It struck some weird pride in him to know they were talking about Jackson and he couldn’t help the slight smirk that he had to contain. If only they knew how much Mark really knew that handsome man who helped them at the docks.

As the boats lapped around the far buoy they began to come up towards the other two and Jackson seemed to be gaining speed. But the waves weren’t as merciful as they began to become more choppy. It seemed a few boats were struggling and threatening to lean too far and tip over.

As they rounded towards the bay for the final lap everyone cheered as the boats swung around and the people turning sharply. Jackson’s boat then came into view. The way he hung off the side pulling it around harshly worried Mark as it looked like their boat was about to completely tip over. But that worry was quickly stiffened as Jackson hung so far over he lightly skimmed the water with his fingertips. The way the wind swept up through his hair and the waves crashed around him was quite striking. And then the boat was upright and blowing forward again.

The move had him on edge, terrified, but very impressed — smooth motherfucker. Everyone cheered as the last of the boats went onto their final lap and Mark was suddenly so into the idea of Jackson winning he never felt this much competitiveness even when he participated in sports himself. To sooth the sudden drop in his stomach he reached into his pocket and ran his fingers over the piece of beach glass Jackson had given him earlier.

Adhering to the excitement around him Mark leaned over to see past a group of people standing up as the boats sailed on the last bit of stretch. 

Two boats now have tipped as the rough waves sprayed and pushed up onto the boats causing difficulty for many of the sailors. But Jackson was sailing past third, now in second and gaining speed. Mark held his breath, worried and anticipating the finish.

He definitely felt his heart leap as the two boats became head to head and the shouts became louder, closer. Everyone stood up as it was tight with third place also gaining incredible speed and the race no longer just between two boats. But with a quick pull of the rope Jackson and his partner found a better gust of wind and raced just ahead enough to cross where two other buoys made the finish line.

Mark hadn’t felt that intense rush of pride and excitement in a while as he practically gushed at Jackson winning the race. It wasn’t that Jackson was his, or that he was a best friend, but the history stuck so hard in his brain. The past feelings overwhelming and encompassing him with joy and pride. He just wanted to run up to him and hold him, yell and praise him with endless affection. That emotion he was feeling currently really hit him, it really started to put his priorities in perspective. 

As the competitors practically swam to shore everyone who was friends with Jackson and that other man ran up to them and started to hug and congratulate them. And as much as Mark wanted to do the same, he hung back with an adoring smile on his face.

However that celebration quickly came towards him as Jackson jogged over right to where they had been standing previously and then spotted Mark. Without much thought Jackson came rushing up to him so Mark hopped down from the ledge of the big stone dock and met Jackson halfway with a hug. 

Jackson was laughing so happily it was soothing every worry in Mark’s mind. Glazing over the trial and filling it with that sound. Soon he felt himself being lifted and spun, a move Jackson was no stranger too and then with one last tight squeeze Jackson put him down.

“God you did it!” Mark punched his arm playfully and Jackson beamed at him so bright he swore he could see the diamonds in his eyes. 

“Mark I-” 

Then someone came up behind Jackson and grabbed him by the neck ruffling his hair roughly. 

“Congrats bro!” Some boy Mark vaguely remembered congratulated. And whatever was on the tip of Jackson’s tongue died and he went on to thank another group of people who came up to him.

“Jackson Wang.” The announcer called to him as the other teammate was already up by the tent where the trophy was and Jackson had to quickly go over to receive his award, exiting from the excitable group. And suddenly the warmth of him was no longer there and the hug too fleeting. There was a part of Mark that really wished he could experience even that little moment again.

Everyone cheered and clapped as they held the trophy up, got their picture, and then shook the hands of the other competitors. As the cheers died down everyone around the beach went back to conversing and some kind of music played over the speakers set up around the tent.

More than anything Mark just wanted to find Jackson again and bask in his glow. But he was only a fish in the sea of people that wanted the same thing. So he happily observed as Jackson came back and started to talk to the group of friends that waited for him. Mark only got a few stares, as well as a few glares, from the few in the group that ended up remembering him. 

He decided that maybe he was out of place and that this was no longer a circle he belonged in, he was fine with it. It hurt a little to have to leave but he assumed that they would all want to go celebrate with Jackson and that the invite was not extended. 

As Mark started to walk away, a remincist smile on his face because hell, he loved that boy so much, he heard his name being called.

“Mark! Mark wait up.” Jackson called after he broke away from the group of people he had been laughing with to walk over to him. “We are probably gonna get a pretty early dinner then there’s this uh after party. Only if you want.”

How could he say no, “Sounds great actually.” 

The comment gave Jackson some relief as he sighed excitedly, the adrenaline from the swim still apparent. His hair was dripping wet and his skin glistening and tan in the midst of midsummer.

“Really you did so well. I knew you could.”

“Thank you.” Jackson said really taking the compliment with weight.

There was a bit of silence before the rest of the group walked over to Jackson again all chattering amongst themselves.

“How about you just tell me where you guys decide to eat, I forgot my wallet at my suite.” Mark encouraged as he felt around for his wallet that wasn’t there. 

Semi distracted by a new conversation Jackson turned back to Mark “Oh sure! Okay I’ll text you.” 

Jackson was loved by so many and it was apparent to Mark that he could truly have anyone in the world. As Mark went to weave back towards the main entrance of the beach he ran into someone unexpected, someone he desperately didn’t want to see. But oh how he was a fool to not predict he might see him, at Jackson’s event nonetheless.

There was no stopping the inevitable either as he was walking right towards where the man was talking to some family, happily. Even the most intimidating of people weren’t intimidating to everyone apparently.

Trying to slip past them and up to the stairs Lucio was quick to catch him before he had a chance. Just as Mark started to climb a gruff voice called up to him.

“Mark Tuan. Did you come to watch the competition?” 

Slowly turning around and acting clueless he looked down to the man who stood every so casually against the big limestone railing.

“Oh hi. Uh yeah. I heard about it so I came to watch.” Mark said carefully worried about revealing his true motivation in case he was being monitored by the man. He hated how constantly worried he had to be around him. He wished more than anything he didn’t have to play nice.

“Are you going somewhere? Do you want me to walk you back?” The way he spoke always sounded not like a question but a statement

No he absolutely didn’t want this man to walk him anywhere ever.

“Really I was just running up to grab something thank you though.” Mark tried to sound as casual as possible.

“Good to see you guys.” Lucio says in a gentle tone to the others next to him and they politely walk away. The action simple yet terrifying in Mark’s mind as it feels like he did or said the wrong thing for no particular reason at all. 

Climbing a few stairs the man stops right in front of Mark and even being down a few stairs he seems almost as tall. “Why do you seem so nervous Mark?” He questions as if he isn’t the answer.

“I’m not. I was just leaving.” He tries to exit the situation but as he does Lucio follows.

“Then I’ll walk you at least half way.” He insists and this time Mark gives up in favor of trying to get to away quicker.

The two walk in awkward silence as they slowly dodge all the vendors and displays of open window shops along the stairs. The sound of laughter and the smell of various food is pleasant yet the uneasy presence of Lucio next to him plumments his mood.

“Are you enjoying your stay Mark?” Lucio questions looking to the other with curiosity. Always assuming he isn’t genuine, Mark cannot tell what his intent is.

“It’s a lot to take in. A lot to process. But I think I’m learning some mistakes I’ve made.” The message underlying and Mark keeps his tone neutral trying to test the waters, no matter how rough the sea might be.

Lucio hums and nods at his answer, seemingly weighing it heavily. “I do not know what mistakes you are referring to but maybe this is a time to...fix them?”

This statement makes Mark’s heart beat faster but he swallows his anxiety quickly maintaining an equally unreadable expression.

“The mistakes are pretty irreversible. But I’m no longer letting myself down.” Mark states, voice uncharacteristically steady for the nerves clawing deep within his chest. 

Lucio looks thoughtful, really absorbing the way Mark said what he said. He doesn’t look angry or agitated neither disappointed. It really is hard to read if Lucio immediately thinks he is talking of Jackson. Or does he think the mistake is something else. 

The next words really are what pushes Mark over the edge. “I hope the mistake isn’t a person.” 

“No. It’s a decision.” Mark quips back firmly. It was never Jackson who was the mistake, it was leaving him. 

Mark needing to find the quickest way out stops them both and turns to Lucio smiling as forcefully as he can. They reach a landing space before another set of stairs that go up and around a few buildings.

“It was good to see you Lucio. But I think I better hurry up and grab what I needed to.” 

“Of course.” Lucio nods as he subconsciously touches the watch on his wrist. 

And just as they both go separate ways Lucio turns back around to add “Oh and Mark...Hope that fiance of yours is doing well.”

The punch to the gut, and the sly smirk all send Mark into a slight shock but he hides it by turning around and walking away as quickly as he could. The bile in his throat edging up. He couldn’t let it get to him, if he did, he wouldn’t know where to turn.

 

It was a loud dinner full of stuffed mouths and inside jokes, Mark silently watched completely enjoying the conversations even if he only contributed a few words. It wasn’t his spotlight but Jackson’s who happily described the event in great detail and exaggeration. Even his partner tagged along for dinner, he seemed like a great guy in all truth. 

After a dinner of observation, he really wanted to just tuck him and Jackson in a corner and listen to him talk endlessly. He wanted to listen to his drunk voice and how it got all raspy and slow. 

But first he stopped back at his place to drop off some leftovers for Natalie because he knew she loved tiramisu. She didn’t end up being there but he left it still with a note.

After that Jackson picked him up on his scooter that he used to get to and from work efficiently. It always charmed Mark to ride on the back of it and to look up at the mountains as striking as they were. The large rolling hills of green trees and grey exposed rock was always so breathtaking. And five years later it was just as stunning, time after time it amazed him and made him feel safe somehow. Feeling the wind rush up under his helmet and the view of the waves only to his left as they coasted along the thin and winding roads, arms locked tightly around Jackson’s waist, he felt a chill. With goosebumps littering his skin, he was beginning to feel alive once again.

They arrived at someone’s house he didn’t know but it was further up the hill which meant it allowed the place to be bigger and not as compacted as someone of the homes right in the heart of the town. This particular house even had a small backyard with a pool and big large trees framing the outside. 

Jackson was really excited as this was essentially being thrown for his victory as well and something about Jackson wanting to take Mark with him made his heartbeat a little more prominently. The way the other kept looking back to Mark to make sure he was right behind him made him feel wanted by the other and not just a pity invite.

It was already loud and crowded as the two waltzed in to the house. Thick cigarette smoke was apparent as well as it seemed most people were smoking about space. The lighting was low and the sun had already set. Mark could see how someone that was claustrophobic would hate this place with the amount of people, smoke and low lighting. 

Jackson quickly grabbed Mark’s wrist as they made a hard left into a different room where someone then yelled “Jackson! Wang! Legend, Legend!” 

Jackson laughed as he grabbed the other person’s hand and brought him into a tight bro hug. At that everyone seemed to pull their attention toward Jackson. Soon various people were lifting him up on their shoulders and parading him around as if he was a king. 

The true joy and laughter erupting from Jackson’s chest was anything but hypnotic as he was a treasure to the whole room. Feeling himself blush Mark went to go get some drinks for them as Lucio had already offered to come by later and drive them back. The scooter/moped would be fine for now. Jackson had expressed how he hasn’t let loose in a while, so tonight was the night.

Mark was really unsure how far he was pushing it and if Jackson needed more space apart from him. But as soon as Jackson was let down he immediately wandered in the kitchen to find Mark and take his first shot with him.

“Golden boy.” Mark joked as he handed him a shot. And Jackson shrugged at that with his tongue in his cheek before throwing back that shot like it was nothing. The gentle light from outside becoming a backlight to the kitchen as Mark looked outside to see people jumping in the pool.

“Thank you.” Jackson coughed a little before gripping Mark’s shoulder and pouring himself another. 

“I really just want to find a corner, sip a lot of whatever that is,”Jackson then pointed to a suspiciously large stash of liquor just sitting on the counter of the checkered kitchen. “And enjoy the taste of victory.”

“Nothing would sound more perfect.” Mark urges, wanting to find a time to just be one on one with Jackson.

But again before he could whisk the boy away someone else Jackson knew wandered into the kitchen. “Bravissimo!” 

Jackson spoke something back in Italian that Mark had no idea what it was and the way that Jackson’s voice seemed to drop even lower as he spoke the language was beyond a turn on. It was time for more alcohol.

Except on the way to more alcohol he had lost Jackson. And then on the way to find him he had ran into Naomi and her boyfriend who would not stop talking to him. It was a very polite conversation and he thoroughly enjoyed it but there was always this nagging to go search out for Jackson. And once he finally excused himself he ran into some girls who somehow pulled him outside to dance with them and as he did he thought maybe he would run into Jackson yet, he still didn’t.

That endless loop of him searching soon turned into him losing an hour or so. Mark was starting to think that every time he went to look for Jackson the boy would move somewhere else. Until he finally heard the unmistakable high laughter in the living room they first went into.

After walking through a cloud of smoke from someone leaning against the door frame he finally saw Jackson leaning against the back of an old green couch, legs spread comfortably wide and another man’s arm behind his head and his leg tangled with Jackson’s.

It was initial shock and jealousy that spiked in Mark yet he quickly stifled it as Jackson was most definitely single and free to do as he pleased. But he still came with Mark so he didn’t want him to be talking to any other stranger. But here the man was breathing in the company of someone other than Mark.

Walking right up to the man, Jackson from afar seemed to be laughing light hearted but as he got closer, his eyes were completely bloodshot and smokey. The boy was drunk, maybe high.

“I’ve been looking for you.” Mark stated plainly, trying to gauge whatever was displayed before his eyes.

“Mark. Markiepoo. Mark-y. Maark.” The man slurred his eyes fluttering open and shut inconsistently. It was really obvious he wasn’t thinking very clearly.

The man basically snaked around Jackson kind of just chuckled bluntly. He then raised an eyebrow to Mark. 

“Maark. Is that you? I swear it’s you but my eyes are even more blurry than nor-mal. Shit.” Jackson then rolls his eyes slightly back to rescue his sight as he always does but the little trick doesn’t work for his drunk tunnel vision.

“You are really drunk aren’t you?” Mark states trying not to get worried quite yet. But he still stands firmly in front of the other, arms crossed and sweatshirt sleeves cupped around his palms, hood up.

The other man says something in Italian to Jackson in which the other replies back in Chinese and then says another “Shit. Uh-“ not remembering the Italian language while he is more than a little intoxicated.

“Why don’t we go somewhere a little less crowded?” Mark urges trying to get Jackson a little sobered up. But then Jackson shakes his head at that, laughing loudly again.

Jackson playfully throws back his head “Nooo just one more drink dad. Gee. Whatever.” 

“Okay Jackson come on we can have fun but let’s get some water first.” Mark pleads this time as if he’s talking to a disobedient child.

Jackson leans forward out of the man next to him’s hold so he can gaze up at Mark dolefully. 

“God it’s really you. I missed you.” Jackson then slurs full of such deep emotion it startles Mark. But as the younger man in front of him starts to spill unrealized tears it takes it all in Mark not to just impulsively cuddle the other.

So as gently as he can Mark kneels between Jackson’s legs and puts his hands on his knees.

“Hey. It’s all good Jackson. I’ll give you space but why don’t we get some water first? Or I’ll go get you some?”

And Jackson just sniffles and nods sinking right back into the couch as if he already moved past their conversation, eyes dazed.

As quickly as he can so he doesn’t lose the boy again Mark runs into the kitchen and grabs an empty cup from a pile on the kitchen counter and fills it with water. Shuffling back to the living room Mark walks right into Jackson now in that Italian Boy’s lap completely making out with him.

“Hey!” Mark yells a little too harshly at the two causing Jackson to whip around. He’s not really sure how it happened but now Jackson is repeatedly saying sorry in Mark’s ear and he is getting yelled at aggressively by that Italian man on the couch.

He doesn’t care, and Jackson is way too drunk to be rationally making decisions so Mark isn’t appreciative of the attitude of this random dude. Mark can’t really respond back in Italian but he sure hopes the middle finger is universal. 

They run into the owner of the party and Mark again can’t really express properly that he needs to take Jackson somewhere away from the chaos of loud music and bustling people. But all the man has to do is look at Jackson leaning into Mark’s shoulder to realize how obliterated he is. 

“Andare di sopra.” The man points upstairs and Mark nods.

“Grazie.”

And then Mark is lugging Jackson and all his muscle weight up some stairs as the boy was stringing together really random sentences that were a mix of languages. With all his remaining strength Mark found a random bathroom that was luckily unoccupied.

“You are mad? I didn’t mean to get drunk, I mean like drunk-drunk. I just was celebrating, ya know? Sorry babe.” That last pet name stung hard for Mark, more than he wanted to admit. Just the casualty of it really was salt in Mark’s wounds.

“I’m not. Just drink this water.” Mark tried to hand the boy but instead Jackson slid down the wall dramatically and onto the tiled floor in a slump.

“I kissed someone didn’t I?” The way Jackson looked at him through his eyelashes with drunken remorse really hurt Mark. He tried to smile reassuringly at the other to ease any pain he felt sitting down right beside him and forcing the water into his hand. 

“You did.”

“It didn’t mean anything.” 

“Jackson it’s okay. You’re single, it’s okay please don’t worry about it.” Mark soothed as he closed his eyes and tried to rid the imagine from him mind. Somehow seeing Jackson with another guy was worse than seeing him with another girl.

After finally taking a large gulp Jackson pouted and mumbled, “But I only want to kiss you.”

And even though he was drunk and not thinking straight the comment immediately grabbed at Mark’s heart, and squeezed it like a stress ball, crushing every bit of sanity left in him. He hated himself so much right now, if Jackson really meant that it only furthered his suffering of leaving him behind. It was such a simple little comment but it caused a complete catastrophic breakdown in Mark’s mind.

Screwing his eyes tightly Mark thought if he tried hard enough he could erase everything that just went down. He thought he could ignore and drown out the subtle breathing of Jackson. But he couldn’t and then he felt something wet and soft press onto his lips. Snapping his eyes open Mark pulled away from Jackson’s kiss as quick as he realized it was happening.

“Hey don’t do that. You are incredibly drunk.” Mark retorted sternly causing the other to retreat. But just as Jackson was about to say something he then instead turned and vomited directly into the toilet. 

Mark wanted alone time with Jackson and he sure was getting it now.

Instinctively Mark went right up to Jackson to rub his back as he literally vomited his guts out. “Hey, hey. Shhh.”

And every once in a while Jackson would lift his head back only for it to lull to the side, out of it and then once again forward to vomit. He hated to see Jackson sick like this, he knew it was because of the ridiculous amount of alcohol he consumed but he really wished he could take all the pain instead. 

As Jackson went to lean over the toilet again Mark held back the long hair from Jackson’s forehead and continued to sooth a hand over his back.

Finally feeling like he got a good chunk of it out Jackson slumped back against the wall, “S’thanks. M’sorry.” The man mumbled.

“Always.”

There was an extended heavy period of neither saying anything, both completely zoning out and then an idea sprung on Jackson.

“Hey.” Jackson smiled half ass, a hint of mischief lingering. “Remember when you turned the shower on last time I was this drunk-drunk.”

“You remember that but barely remembered that I came to this party with you?”

Jackson dismissed the comment and stood up only to walk over to the shower against the back wall, sit in the tub and turned the shower on before Mark could yell at him to stop. Completely baffled Mark gaped at the fool. There Jackson was, being drenched by the shower, laughing like an idiot and stealing Mark’s heart once again while doing it.

“You’re an absolute fool.” Mark shook his head but he too couldn't contain his laughter. It was like every painful thing disappeared and it was replaced with irony. Holy fuck his life was mess, he was in a random bathroom with his ex, who he cared about more than anyone in his life, and he’s a complete fool too, a complete fool for the boy giving himself a shower in his clothes. So like any completely sane and not drunk fool he was Mark took his socks off, still fully clothed, and climbed right into the shower to sit next Jackson. 

The only sounds other than laughter were the distant muffled music and the sound of the water gently pattering against the porcelain tub, collecting around their feet.

No matter how out of it he was Jackson still looked to Mark with the laziest of smiles, “You care about me don’t you?”

And as sure as ever, as he felt Jackson’s head lean on him, Mark uttered a soft, “Always.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry for my absence...school got me busy but I love you all!! (ps this chapter contains heavy sexual content if that's not your thing)

_The sun sat high in the sky, light angled downward shining through the various tall plants. Mark was zoning out in the midst of Jackson’s garden, haphazardly poking at some tomato plant that was overgrown on the tall wire cage it was weaved through. Suddenly Mark felt a wet sensation on his right cheek as Jackson left a kiss walking past the other. Whipping his head to the left Mark gazed at the boy waltzing right by him. He had this big wicker basket full of vegetables and a dorky white hat with strings he wore upon his head._

_“You should stop teasing that plant with foreplay and just cut it already.” Jackson called over his shoulder a clear grin on his face.._

_Snickering to himself Mark finally focused in on the plant clipping the fuzzy green stems and dropping the ripe tomato into the basket by his feet. Jackson had asked for some help tending the garden because he felt bad that there was so much work for the gardener which, in theory, was their job. But to Jackson it was easing the workload so when the gardener got around to his house he had a break. To Mark it was another chance to hang out with Jackson._

_Behind him Mark felt Jackson settle in another row back crouching down to pull at some weeds. Abandoning his assigned post Mark ducked under some bright colored hanging fruit to join the other._

_Crouching down Mark wiped his dirty hands on the knees of jeans, “Pesky weeds huh?”_

_Jackson turned to the man gazing to him with gold dust in his brown eyes, the sun bouncing off his tanned features “Peskiest...I don’t know how to uproot this one correctly.” The look of actual concerned warm Mark’s heart as it was far from Jackson’s responsibility to worry about this._

_“Just leave the harder stuff to the guy that comes on Tuesday, he’ll know.” Mark shrugs._

_Jackson sighs now sitting back so he no longer is balancing on his heels but he is seated in the dirt of the path looking defeated. Mark gently nudges his knee at him and steals the white sun hat from him to place on his own head._

_“Hey, just a weed.” Mark says softly, enjoying the way the trees ruffle in the wind and the sun picks up red in Jacksons hair. The ambience is very calming, a soft glow to the whole scene in front of him. This time Mark leans forward and leaves a gentle kiss on Jackson’s cheek._

_“Do you think it’s hard to uproot from somewhere?” Jackson asks absently rocking slightly back and forth._

_It was almost an empty question one that Jackson knew himself but he didn’t want to admit his longing for home. He a lot of the time would brush off questions of his home, his family, Mark assumed it was too painful.  
“I’d say so. Depends on the person I guess. Some people like to experience different areas, some really like to stay planted, some roots just go deeper.” _

_Jackson looks over to Mark with a kind of wonderment, he looks as if he’s slowly focusing in, like a camera, on how Mark really is right next to him. Taking the opportunity Jackson lays right into Mark’s lap closing his eyes in contentment allowing the sun to paint a yellow lemon glow on his cheekbones._

_“Philosopher Mark huh?” Jackson jokes trying to shake the rut he tends to flow in and out of when he gets too in his head._

_Leaning forward Mark gently kisses both of the boys eyelids. “Something like that.”_

_And then Mark threads his fingers deep into the thick locks of Jackson’s hair combing them through over and over and over again. He combs his fingers through like waves, pulling in and out in repeated motions. Jackson’s soft hair calms them both, they both fall into something that feels like home. The flutter of Jackson’s eyes, the closeness of the two. Mark realizes you don’t just root yourself somewhere but also to someone. And Mark is rooting himself to Jackson, deeper and deeper and deeper._

 

Mark moved the plant in the center of the table off to the side so he could set up his laptop. Sitting by himself in a coffee shop Mark set out to answering various work emails. Quite frankly he has been ignoring the appending responsibilities linked to his work. The fact that he was about to take over this company was becoming more daunting with each tick of the father clock in the corner of the café.

His father had called him once per week since he got to Positano. Each call was brief and not at all reassuring. Mark felt like he was speeding down an unmarked road with no signs in sight, unsure of how fast he was suppose to be going. 

Passion is a luxury for some people and Mark didn’t feel it was his. He was becoming increasingly more anxious at the idea of heading a family company. Computers were barely his thing, he could tell you everything there is to know about the type of computers the family builds but also could not tell you that he feels particularly passionate about them. You set up ideals in life but the path to those ideals isn’t always straight. The path to learning about his sexuality wasn’t straight either.

Clicking through the emails a particular odd one came up from Jackson Wang titled Important: Respond immediately. A little panic endures in Mark until he opens it to a simple message.

To: Mark Tuan  
From: Jackson Wang  
Sorry about last night, I do in fact remember it, or pieces...I do remember you and me taking a shower in our clothes. Wanna go on a hike tonight? If you don’t read this I’m going on a hike after work regardless.

Chuckling to himself Mark replies back simply.

To: Jackson Wang  
From: Mark Tuan

It’s no problem. And sure, I’ll go on a hike :).

 

Mark exercises on occasion, he has been getting more fit in recent years teetering away from his naturally skinny build. Natalie tended to go to the gym with him and they would work out together to spend time together and to also get good results physically. Jackson on the other hand is particularly a gym nut, he has unparalleled proportions and always is aware of his carb intake along with his workout schedule. Hiking this path with Jackson sure as hell is going to wear Mark out. 

The pathway of gods is a famous hiking trail that goes along the top of the mountainous ridges of the Amalfi coast that run from town to town. The view and the exercise takes away your breath, it’s absolutely stunning. Taking the bus to the Bomerano stop Mark waited anxiously for Jackson to meet up with him. The trail usually dumps you right near Positano so it is a perfect two hour hike back. 

Kicking a stone Mark draws vague patterns in the gravel with his foot. Sitting on the bench for about 20 minutes listening to the various songs of the birds another bus finally rolls in. Feeling his stomach drop slightly Mark watches as each stranger walks out until a Chinese man with round eyes and perfectly sloped nose grins dopey at him.

They began their hike. Jackson already energized and going at a steady pace up the nearby stairs. Mark could assume the man has been on this hiking path more than a few times from the duration he’s lived here. Mark had also been on this path but that was a one time thing five years ago.

By the way that Jackson handed over a water bottle generously making sure Mark was hydrated, and by the way he slowed his pace subconsciously to match Mark it just all felt like a dejavu daydream. It felt so right to walk along side by side that it felt wrong.

Every night it always felt awkward to lay next to someone you were taking a break from. Laying at night next to Natalie felt suffocating no matter how civil they tried to be. There still was this stiffness to climbing under the covers with someone whose trust you breached. But with that Natalie become more honest. She wanted answers and she was not to blame for that.

Every time Natalie would finish her nighttime routine she would sit on the edge of the bed, apply lotion everywhere and ask Mark a question. It started with simple things like what did you do today? Who did you see? But then it became how did you meet Jackson? How much do you see Jackson? What are your favorite qualities of Jackson? It was hard to blame her for her curiosity as much as it unnerved Mark.

He would answer back each time. There was a part of Mark that knew he could opt out of these questions but there was a bigger part of him that felt he owed her honesty. The thing was, no matter how harsh his answers were it never ended in a fight. It was as if Natalie was just trying to piece together a mystery, Natalie Drew. 

The questions in all honesty were helping Mark sort through his own convoluted thoughts as well. He was so wrapped up in the complications it was hard to see the true core. As long as Mark only saw Jackson and avoided the wicked creep still lurking around Positano, he might be fine.

The only times Mark grew uncomfortable however were the questions about sex. It sparked quite a conversation when Natalie decided to reveal something on her own one night. Sitting out of the deck they both decided to drink coffee way too late at night so they were aimlessly awake and enjoying the sound of waves and the gusts of night wind.

Mark felt infinitely bad that Natalie was stuck in a city barely knowing anyone while he had past friendships to branch out to. He hated that he basically put her in a corner. Trying to pay for her flight home or asking if she wanted him to stay somewhere else repeatedly never evoked an agreement. She wanted to stay and never budged on that fact.

However when she confessed she had been sleeping with Enzo it all made sense. As much as it stung initially, Mark was not mad. He was almost glad that she had someone to be with, that she had companionship of any kind. It felt really sour and odd to hear, but he swallowed any jealousy for the unfairness of the situation. He really disliked Enzo but Natalie must really be disliking Jackson in the same way.

The thing was Jackson and Mark weren’t sleeping together, they were practically at square one and that’s okay. Mark was fine with being in arms reach. 

Him and Natalie both just sat in silence after the confession, confused but not angry just a really thoughtful silence before crawling back to opposite sides of a shared bed.

Now as he accidentally brushes Jackson’s arm the familiar spark grounds him from the dark tunneled thoughts he gets lost in. The way Jackson’s ruffled floppy hair and unshaven bare face looks with just a tank top and shorts really threatens a blush from Mark, the attraction has never simmered.

Mark feels pretty bad that Jackson packed this heavy bag with all the essentials to hiking safely and Mark just found a drawstring to shove his water bottle and wallet in.

“We can take turns with the backpack. I don’t want to make you carry that the whole way.” Mark suggests wholeheartedly ready to take it.

“I carry this backpack every time I do the hike it would feel weird without the weight.” Jackson shrugs and Mark puts up no fight already feeling his calves start to burn.

“We can take a break whenever you need.” 

“Do you already need a break Tuan?” Jackson smirks to himself effortlessly weaving around a cluster of rugged grey rocks.

Mark, not as gracefully, maneuvers around the rocks as well. “In twenty minutes, oh hell yeah I will.”

Jackson lets out his loud giggle reaching back to grab Mark’s hand and pulls him up a particularly steep edge.

“Last time you nearly passed out I was ready to piggyback you the rest of the way home.” Jackson reminisces.

“Hey now. I’m in better shape this time around.”

“Yeah I can see that.” Jackson punches Mark’s bicep playfully, taking extra time to observe Mark’s arms before squinting and playing it off like he wasn’t blatantly checking him out.

Mark treads lightly, afraid of falling off the side of a cliff or falling back into Jackson with zero resistance. The magnetic field in the space between them is strong. The way they are forcing themselves to restrain is causing a weird tension in the air.

“Hey about last night. I should have know my limits. I’m sorry you had to play babysitter to a drunk grown man.”

Mark waved it off not wanting to get into how good it felt to not have a barrier between them, the alcohol washed away any bit of forced space.

“I’ve been there too. Everyone has.”

Jackson is silent mulling over something behind his neutral expression. The sun has been getting lower, about forty five minutes to sunset. It will probably be breathtaking to watch the colors from that high up even if that means part of their journey back home will be in the dark. 

As they climb more scenery is revealed, the trees begin to disperse and towns in the distance on the edge of the deep blue water. It’s just as awe striking as before. When the path really clears up Mark beams to himself at how the gods really did carve out this path. Mark looks to Jackson but when he turns the man is already smiling at him fondly.

“It’s even more beautiful than I remember...truly.” 

“Yeah.” Jackson nods pulling at the straps on his bag. “I sometimes come up here to clear my head. It’s a good long walk.”

They keep walking at that, maybe this will help both of them clear their heads. “When’s the last time you did that?”

Jackson smiles at the ground as if he’s laughing at an inside joke with himself. “A few days ago.”

“Oh.” Mark realizes.

“Yeah, oh.”

Mark has a thousand things to blurt out and none at the same time. He wants to articulate something comforting or honest but neither idea formulates into a sentence correctly.

Jackson swallows thickly before switching subjects with ease, “Do you think your business could use a headquarters in Italy? You still work there correct?”

“Yeah I do. And is that a business suggestion because that sounds like a lot of paperwork.” Mark pokes fun at him as if being wishful was easy.

“Do you...do you still like the business of selling computers?” Jackson asks carefully dancing around a potential touchy subject as they march along the gravel pathway the mountains in the distance beautiful and terrifying at the same time.

“It’s a job. If everyone followed their passion the world would stop spinning.” Mark was a realist, he didn’t have time for theories.

“Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.” Jackson started to walk a few paces ahead admiring the way the sun was glaring down harsher turning the sky bright orange.

“Jackson.”

“Mark.”

The sunset was dawning on them like a thick color of tension leaking through their cracks. The air felt more dense, more hot Mark was starting to feel his skin scratch.

Walking a little quicker Mark caught up with the man walking at a blistering pace. “I’m not having this conversation. What even is my passion? Sometimes people don’t just know what they want to do from day one. I’m fine with what I’m doing, okay?” 

Jackson refused to look Mark in the eyes which only added to the tension. “You have to try things out. You might think it’s one thing but it ends up being something entirely different. Your twenties are a perfect opportunity-“

“And waitressing is your passion?” Mark spit back not pleased with the assumptions Jackson was making as if it was easy to drop his family responsibility put on him that went back generations. Jackson stops suddenly to spin around and glare right at Mark.

“It’s a job Mark.” His words had bite, he knew that Mark was trying to spin the conversation away from the truth.

“Okay but you still have it after five years? You don’t want to do anything else? Why are you trying to put me in a corner.” Mark was now in front of Jackson inhibiting him from briskly walking away, the bright sun was now directing behind Mark shadowing his features from the light. 

“I’m not trying to fight Mark. I’m just saying you have time to explore what your passionate about before you make a very major career decision.” Jackson then side steps Mark continuing to hike along the sky now littered with pinks and purples. The mountains had casts of shadows draping down the sides, hiding their own truths.

“Passion has never lead me down a safe path.”

“Just because it isn’t the safe path doesn’t mean it’s wrong? If you aren’t happy-“

“I’m happy!” Mark shouts this time, shaking a little.

Jackson then pivots around, walking right up to Mark and clenching his teeth “I’m not sure you are!”

The two boys are now toe to toe breathing heavy and spiteful of the other’s words. So much is hidden behind the daggers appearing in their eyes.

“God. Why are you so infuriating.” Mark hates how easily his blood boils, how the exhaustion in his body is producing adrenaline and the urge to cry. 

“Just because I want you to follow your passion Mark?” Jackson throws his hands up in irony laughing at the prospect of the situation, “Just because I’m pushing you out of your comfort zone and making you actually think about life altering decisions.”

The way Jackson is talking down to him is making Mark see red he has been holding so much sorrow and weight from his family, his fiancé, even the menace that holds Jackson’s livelihood over his head like a carrot in front of a rabbit. Jackson has no context for Mark’s responsibilities.

“I’m not staying here. I’m not staying in Positano Jacks. I can’t and I don’t want you to think I’m going to drop my job just to play around in Italy.” It’s harsh and perhaps uncalled for in the heat of the moment. True anger instead of frustration washes over Jackson’s features as his nostrils gently flare.

“Fuck you.” The delivery of the words does the job in sinking Mark’s heart into his stomach.

“Fuck you! I care about you a lot Jackson but it’s not that simple” Mark is so beyond frustrated at this conversation as it tears his mind in all different ways pulling him and leaving scars. 

Jackson begins to walk as if he can just leave the situation like they aren’t trapped high above ground level and surrounded by nothing but rocks, trees and a steep cliff. Mark begins to walk too not letting the other just stroll away.

“I wasn’t asking you to move in Mark. I was telling you to just consider that you don’t need to give into your father's pressure. You are your own person.” Jackson stated bluntly as if Mark hasn’t considered that. He’s just so muddled in everyone’s opinion of his choices that he can’t untangle himself clearly.

“I am, but the person I am is afraid of disappointment.” That's the truth, that’s honesty.

Jackson shakes his head, only looking forward to the painting the sky is creating. His eyes glimmer, his face is illuminated by the bright setting glow. “I think you’re just afraid.”

A gust of wind pushed Mark off balance making him have to steady himself.

“What?”

“Afraid of your father, afraid of Natalie, afraid of me. You just don’t want to ever settle because who is good enough for Mark Tuan.” Jackson sneers clearly not holding back for the sake of Mark’s feelings. Bring it on.

The seagulls call as they fly past over head. Mark stops in his tracks muttering to himself, “You got it all wrong.”

Jackson pushes back he starts to move towards Mark forcing him to lean towards the rocks and trapping him against the rugged edges of the wall of limestone behind them.

“Oh yeah? Tell me why you left then? Was I not good enough? Jackson says between his teeth hovering right in front of Mark.

Mark eyes go wide and he shakes his head, “Don’t say that Jackson. That’s not at all why I left. I wasn’t good enough for you so don’t think it was at all that. It never was that.” 

Jackson doesn’t move just corners Mark more in.

“I never was supposed to fall in love with you. I blame myself for hurting you Jackson I always have.” Any fire that was burning in Mark cells was now just burning his perception.

Jackson’s hand places right by the side of Mark’s head as he leans in close enough for his breath to ghost Mark’s jaw. The sun was the only witness to their heated moment.

“You are blaming yourself for passion again. Don’t you want passion Mark? Don’t you want to feel something?” With that Jackson leans in close enough for his words to dance right against his eardrum. Mark’s heart feels as if it’s going to burst right at the last symbol of Jackson’s words.

“Stop.”

“I know you do. You are too scared. You always have been.” Jackson then spits pushing himself off the wall of the mountain and trudging through the long grass to go back to the gravel path.

“Don’t walk away. Jackson don’t walk away!” Mark’s voice breaks, demands the rush of adrenaline and thin air suffocating Mark from his own truth once again. He feels so heavy so wound tight that the coils are grinding against each other.

The sound of his heartbeat in his eardrums and the way his stomach keeps dropping at every fleeting moment he doesn’t know what to do to stop the heavy breathing and rush of frustration.

Jackson stops in his tracks and Mark stays where he’s at feeling only grounded against the heavy rock wall and the way the grass area in front of him was rough against his ankles. He tries to root himself. He tries to dig his roots into what matters.

Still turned around Mark watches as Jackson looks ahead at the view in front of him. The grand and ancient cliffs, the trees along the path that just grow endlessly about the coast, the way the distance is greyed out, the heavy water rolling in. And then, ever so slowly, Jackson slips his backpack off to toss it into the grass. He then turns to Mark with the same heavy breathing, his jaw clenched tight and another gust of wind racking through his brown hair, combing it back off his forehead.

Mark’s knees start to buckle and he’s aching for it. He’s aching for the release of tension, the devour of passion he keeps running from. He’s not running this time, he’s finally rooting himself back into what he refused to let go. He needs to let go.

And Jackson’s eyes flicker at the same time Mark’s do, the danger of letting out what they can’t control. The sun burns even brighter it blinds Mark’s morals and it causes Jackson to stride forward and claim Mark’s lips as strong as the force of the wind.

Mark is sinking into the feeling of Jackson plush lips burning wildly against his. They are pushing against each other so intently, teeth clashing in the process. Mark gasps into the force of their passion that knocks his knees out and pulls him harshly away from his suffocating thoughts. 

Jackson is kissing Mark like he’s never felt desire before, like it was painful to not feel his lips hungrily against Mark. Mark has not felt this pressure from a kiss since the last time he slept with Jackson. They kiss and kiss more. With the way Jackson’s tongue swipes at his desperate lips and pushes itself deep into Mark’s mouth, he feels freed. 

Mark feels the brunt force of them clashing, the feeling of his back grinding slightly into the hard rock and upon another gasp, it in all honestly makes him feel more aroused. But then Jackson is grabbing him off the harsh surface and sliding his hands under his shirt caressing his back and pulling him forward tight against his body. The roll of his hips is making Mark moan and push forward until they tumble messily into the grass area. 

Mark pulls back from Jackson’s lips as he straddles his thighs groaning at the contact of their short clad crouches. Jackson smirks up at Mark devilishly, a fiery light in his eyes brighter than the sunset. Using the brute force of his hips Jackson presses further up into the boy gyrating his hips and pulling out a strained grunt from Mark “that’s what passion feels like Mark.”

“Shut. Up.” Mark says between heavy breaths, the pleasure is releasing much needed endorphins and he has no intentions of stopping. He has every intention of jumping Jackson’s bones in the rough and wild grass.

Deciding to push back Mark uses his hips to grind down moving their bodies in time together and running his hands under Jackson’s shirt to feel the naked skin. The way Jackson makes tiny noises in the back of his throat is so hot. He feels his skin blush as Jackson pulls him down so he can start sucking at his pulse and tracing his nails against the skin on Mark’s hips.

“Jackson.” Mark groans and then he feels him nip at his neck and scratch deeper his fingernails dancing closer to the edge of his shorts. The fact that his gym shorts were so much thinner than jeans made the contact feel so much more intense rubbing up against each other.

It’s too much, Mark feels himself rocking like the waves and his eyes rolling back into his head as Jackson speeds up thrusting up into him to prolong the teasing. Mark uses his fingers to push down into the roots of Jackson’s hair pulling and pushing his head into the grass as he leans back. This time Jackson moans and Mark swears he’s going to lose it right now.

There is no holding back, he cannot believe he is here in this moment with a past lover. Mark is then throwing his shirt off just from one bleed of a moan from Jackson’s plump lips, the moan centers and thrills him more. He throws his shirt somewhere and grabs at Jackson’s too who helps him peel it off while still kissing at whatever inch of skin he can reach.

“Lube.” Mark breathes and Jackson detaches his lips so he can stretch over to where he dropped the bag. The younger quickly rummages through the heavy backpack until he pulls out a bottle of lube with pride. Mark laughs at how Jackson was already prepared.

“That’s why the bag was so heavy.” Mark joked as he started to dip his fingers beneath the band of Jackson’s own gym shorts.

“Preparation is key.” But the last syllable of his word goes high as Mark curls his fingers around the base of Jackson’s dick forcing him to shiver and grip the lube bottle tighter. The reaction is satisfying to Mark as he starts jerking him off from under his shorts. He can feel the boy slightly shaking from under the material as if he’s been yearning for it as much as Mark has.

Mark leaned down to kiss Jackson’s lips before whispering into them “Make me feel something Jackson.” Jackson’s eyes flick with such determination it makes Mark tense. 

It was another spark to the flame already burning hot between them, quickly Jackson pops the bottle open with just his teeth and pours a lot onto his rough fingers. Mark is hyper aware that anyone could walk down the path and see them in the grass but it makes it all that more exhilarating. Not another person in sight but the birds flying by and the light slowly disappearing behind the horizon.

They don’t lose any time as Mark takes the liberty of retracting his hand to stand up and pull off his own shorts so Jackson can get right to work. The other sits up off the ground, hair a mess and lips abused and red. Mark doesn’t take any more time sitting directly in Jackson’s lap and kissing him with all he has, pulling and sucking at his lips was such fire that Jackson is taking very heavy breaths in between each pluck of their lips.

Jackson tugs at Mark’s dick a few times before trailing his warm fingers lower across Mark’s thighs and then under the sensitive area of his balls so he can start teasing his rim with the copious amount of lube. Mark falls apart in his arms at the feeling of Jackson rubbing between his balls and his rim over and over again.

“God.” Jackson mumbles between kisses and Mark is trying to hold back the obvious moans clawing up his throat ripping through the tension created between them. It disappears in the lewd situation they share together, the dirty secret that is theirs. 

“Say it with words.” Jackson says low, he is teasing him to the brink of collapsing. Kneading at Mark’s balls and then up his dick to swipe over the head, Mark whines at the feeling instead of forming any word.

With another groan Mark feels his throat tighten as he feels Jackson retract and starts to go lower so Mark reacts instead by pushing the boy back on the grass. Shocked Jackson looks up in concern as if he made the wrong move but Mark just lowers himself in between Jackson’s partly spread thighs so he can pull down the man’s shorts. As soon as he tosses them amongst the overgrown nature around them Mark takes Jackson all the way into his mouth. 

Throwing his head against the ground Jackson moans so loudly it seems to echo down the open space of the cliff side. He is now withering at the feeling of Mark sucking him off after so long. Mark revels in the embarrassment and vulnerability of the moment his misses this deep and unashamed arousal that takes over. 

His tongue feels hot against the vein of Jackson’s cock, the other man’s length thick and heavy. It is so slick and foreign as he has not done this in a long time but the way that he has to breathe deeply through his nose is weirdly comforting. To be giving a blow job right now and not eating a girl out is strange. But Mark feels even more comfort when he looks up and sees not just anyone but Jackson coming undone.

Working his mouth and tongue along the underside of the other’s cock Mark feels himself grow stiffer with Jackson gasping and twitching against his tongue. Jackson is reaching out for anything as Mark sucks sloppily on the tip and the other then threads his veiny hands so deeply into the grass blades he pulls them up by their roots.

“Mark. Mark s-” 

But he responds by the dipping lower and licking and sucking at his balls in return. He needs to giveback to Jackson and each gasp and moan it feels like a thank you.

“Mark I’m gonna cum. Mark.” Jackson was shaking and barely holding on as Mark then dipped even lower and stuck his tongue around and then through the puckered skin of the Chinese man’s rim. That alone making an evident dirty sound from the eerily stilled air.

Jackson was not ready to cum yet so he shot up grabbing a hold of Mark and pulling him up into his own lap again so he could in turn go right into shoving one finger past Mark’s rim. Mark laughed at the abruptness, breathless at the feeling of suddenly being fingered in arousing pain, maybe he was a masochist.

With one finger still curling up into Mark’s heat Jackson reached for the discarded lube bottle with the other hand slicking up the fingers not protruding inside of Mark in a clumsy but still incredibly hot fashion.

Jackson retracted the one thrusting in and out to then more carefully slip in two. And by the way Mark tensed up Jackson could tell he would need to open him up a lot more. Although they slept together recently Mark was really not prepared for this as he was when they had sex regularlly. But the pain was bearable for the promise of pleasure. Jackson kissed at the boy’s jaw as he gently rolled his hips up in time with his fingers slipping in and out shallowly.

“Relax.” Jackson soothed in his deep voice. Mark shivered at just the voice, head lulling in the mix of pain and pleasure. “I got you babe. I got you, let go.” Jackson mumbles into Mark’s jaw and up to his ear. 

And Mark knew that he was tense not just from the invading fingers but the ever pressing responsibilities. And as he felt Jackson in all his natural form rubbing so exquisitely against him, so filthy, he knew, he could let go. They could keep making love in the dark, in the shadows, in the whispers, in the mountains that framed Positano.

With a bite to his earlobe it distracted Mark so Jackson slipped in a third finger and Mark let his whole body succumb to the burning stretch. “God. Jackson.” Mark clawed at him moaning so deep he felt the hot air surround and elevate his clouded state of mind. He felt the pleasure rip and tear his body.

Jackson sped up the thrusts of his fingers as he felt Mark’s body accept the invasion. The younger started pushing and threading his fingers against Mark’s walls. Mark’s whole body jerked at the fast pace and he then looked down to Jackson’s eyes finding them in comfort, in pleasure.

When he saw the half lidded and aroused expression on the other’s face, his hair messed up and his cheeks flushed, Mark swore he could have cummed right there. He felt so beyond worry at the moment, he felt safe, he felt planted. And then as Jackson licked his lips groaning at the feeling of Mark’s insides he thrusted his long fingers even deeper till they curled and hit _that_ spot.

Mark could not stop the overwhelming flash of white in his vision but he didn’t look away no matter how he shook, he kept ahold of the round brown eyes. The red bitten lips. The freckle by the other’s nose.

“Jackson please.” Mark begged he ached for it, but the bastard just responded by kneading at his prostate again sending him into a fit of breathless moans that made him shake so hard he was questioning how he was holding on. Jackson just grinned with endless ecstasy enjoying how much he was pleasuring the other, feeling out so much lost time.

Taking control Mark grabbed at Jackson’s own cock and roughly jerked in time with Jackson’s unforgiving fingers. Reaching for the lube Mark searched blindly around to grab at the plastic cap and messily pouring some on his own so he could slick up jackson’s cock sloppily and then gently tug at Jackson’s wrist on the hand that was working hard inside him.

“I’m gonna to ride you.” Mark said voice heavy with lust. As Jackson’s eyes go wide he doesn’t properly register it. Mark feels prepared enough and pulls off the fingers to grab at Jackson’s long and thick length and guide it towards his tight heat. 

Before he sinks Mark takes a moment to just look at Jackson to look at him with sorrow, remorse for how he ever strayed from him. Jackson’s eyebrows crease but he also reads all the things between the line Mark is trying to communicate. Mark reaches forward for one fleeting and selfish moment so he can just brush the stray hair from the youngers eyes. Jackson’s eyes get bigger and more sentimental.

And then as the biggest apology he can muster Mark completely sinks all the way down on Jackson’s length causing the other’s big eyes to roll back in his head as he practically shouts. It is so painful for Mark but he feels he needs the pain to know he is there, to realize this is not a dream, he deserves the pain. This feeling between them so intimate, he loves how Jackson’s mouth gapes and his eyes go to another place as he contreates on lasting through the warmth.

“Mark. S’tight. Jesus.” Jackson’s voice is so rough and strained it drops octaves lower than his already deep voice. This sends Mark to gasp, Jackson’s own heavy breathing encouraging him to adjust and take in the painful stretch. It’s like being underwater muffled to your environment but hyper aware of the dense water encompassing you.

Mark takes the liberty this time of control. He keeps his thumb along the vein on the underside of Jackson’s length that throbs as it disappears up into Mark’s tight rim. Once he rise up and finally bottoms out again Mark shudders for another moment. What makes this hotter is just the idea of taking what he loves and making them feel _inside_ him. It’s completely a connection behind description.

Both groan as they just sit there Mark on top of Jackson and Jackson withering in the grass. He feels the brush of the grass blades against his knees, his hole dripping with lube and the quiet groans spilling from them both.

But then the fire ignites no longer is Mark letting the moment simmer, he ignites it with a hard rise and fall as he bounces right down harshly onto Jackson’s dick. Jackson whimpers grabbing blindly at Mark’s hips guiding him to do the sinful action again.

“You like that? You like how I feel around you don’t you? Huh?” Mark edges him on grinding down so he can feel how Jackson’s cock claws at that itch Mark has been needing to scratch. 

“Fuck,” Jackson breaths completely unaware of his surrounds just enraptured in the way Mark is taking control and now bouncing quicker on his cock. Jackson grips, bruises into the older’s hip bones and Mark is pressing his palms tightly to the other’s chest observing the way Jackson is abusing his own lip, biting so hard the skin is turning white.

“It’s you Jackson. Jackson, ah.” Mark chants totally liberated. He is now grinding down and bouncing only heaving breathing and squelching noises raiding into the environment around them. They are doing such a filthy act out in nature, becoming so animalistic by the rough fucking. 

His own thighs burn as Jackson’s thick muscled thighs force Mark to spread his own even wider. Taking an opportunity to feel up the trained muscles of Jackson’s thighs the man beneath Mark goes feral. The pace speeds up as Jackson cannot be stilled from violently thrusting up into Mark.

Mark can’t speak, he can’t breath even properly at how fast Jackson is thrusting up into him. Suddenly his prostate is being hit several times in a row and Mark is still not breathing choked on the moan ripping through him. Then Jackson himself has to slow to not cum in that moment. 

“More. More, make me feel what I haven’t. Please. Jackson. Embed in me.” And in moments of passion Mark didn’t even understand what he meant he just knew he needed to have Jackson keep bringing him to the edge of rapture. Crickets come out in the distance, the wind howls making everything more potent.

“Fuck me, hard.” 

Then he felt the other rise up and flip them so Mark’s back was pushed into the grass and he was grunting at the action. Jackson wasted no time then spreading the man’s milky thighs far apart and thrusting into his gaping hole. Mark was moaning uncontrolled at the feeling, mouth falling open and head lulling backwards. He felt like he was floating. 

It felt like such raw passion, they were tearing each other bare. Jackson kept thrusting into him with such force Mark could not close his mouth. And then, in his gut, Mark felt it coming as Jackson took the opportunity to spit directly into Mark’s mouth with no second thoughts on the dirty act. Mark’s gasped turned into a moan which in turn caused Jackson to smile pleased at the crude desire. Challenging him back Mark swallowed the man’s spit in lust, racking his fingernails into the thick muscle of Jackson’s thighs egging the younger on.

Feeling the way Mark pulled him deeper Jackson was now drilling into him with all his strength, feeling every inch of Mark’s walls and kissing him with such force Mark was completely his in that moment. The pressure was so intense that Mark could release at any second. But he held on, he felt himself root.

Jackson was thrusting and grunting so deeply in Mark that his prostate was being hit every single time. The sound of skin slapping and the lube squelching was such a turn on to Mark that he felt the pleasure double. They were both just high, completely gone and only focused on the pleasure of each rough pound of Jackson’s cock.

“You feel. So...so fucking good Mark.” Jackson was groaning so lowly that it sent shivers down Mark’s entire spine, tickling all the right pleasure points. Jackson threaded his fingers very tightly into his Mark’s hair that Mark’s head rose off the ground. It only caused Mark to smile up sinfully.

“Cum. Cum Jackson. Cum hard.” Mark demanded and with that the man again thrusts so far into Mark that his whole body convulses at the force and then Jackson is pulling out and cumming all in the green blades of grass, hard. 

The way Jackson was basically weeping at the force of his orgasm combined with the force of the last thrust caused Mark to also cry out violently as Jackson’s hand shot out from next to him to milk Mark through his own orgasm. And he was cumming. It was so intense that Mark was cumming all over himself and then he rolled over to cum even more into the grass where Jackson just had. The absolute vulgar of the situation was what made Mark finally feel what he had needed, pleasure exploding and electrifying every cell.

In that moment, Mark finally felt rooted, he felt pleasure from this combined act of human desire amongst the path of the Gods. This perverted act had been out on display for all the eyes of the world and yet Mark couldn't care less. He felt freed. Jackson took what was blocked in his brain and he alleviated the pressure, he liberated him.

Jackson saw the way Mark was breathing out ruggedly and he crawled up to where Mark lay completely worn out in the grass. Taking him into his arms Jackson let Mark ride out the intensity of his orgasm cuddled to his own chest. The feeling of Jackson’s hard muscles wrapped securely around Mark’s shivering body made him sooth into bliss. Mark felt so sedated, free of worry. Nothing else mattered to him in that moment but the glazed brown eyes that rack over his face and the gentle kiss placed upon his temple.

“Don’t recoil Mark. Please stay.” Jackson mumbled into his neck feeling comfortable just lying in their rapture, a subtle breeze nipping at their bare skin.

Mark knew what he meant, knew how they spoke more with the sex and then afterwards the tension always seemed to always flood back. 

“I’m not leaving. I’m here.” Mark took the chance to kiss the apples of Jackson’s cheeks soothing him and feeling the mutual vulnerability. “I’m glad you let me in.”

Jackson’s eyes sparkled in the dim light as rolled off Mark to gaze over at him from his side. It felt like just them too, laying in the grass, no one to interpret the magnetic pull of the moment. Mark could tell Jackson was examining every detail of Mark’s flushed face, he had to remember the moment, hold on in case it was fleeting.

“I swear I’m here-” But Jackson just closed the space between them sweetly pressing his lips into Mark’s so tenderly. As Jackson’s plush lips pulled back Mark’s eyelashes fluttered along with his heart.

“I’m here too. I care, you care. I’m terrified Mark. I feel my life completely spiraling out of my grasp but- I won’t have someone like you again. You coming back makes everything harder, god it does but I need it. I need the imbalance, I need to understand what it is to feel, like _this_ again.” Jackson confesses his features so delicate and serious Mark feels himself ache with longing, with a fire that has slowly been building.

Mark almost blurts out I never stopped loving you. But Jackson’s beauty stunts his words.

“I will do right by you. I swear.”

The sun had now completely disappeared behind the mountains and dipped under the water. It was dark aside from the slight leak of light that gave them some visibility. Birds sang, the wind howled and there they lay as if time was there’s to control. It no longer mattered what was happening around Mark and Jackson in that moment, they just held each other tightly — they became rooted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> crying infinitely. I really almost had them re-say the L word but that will come soon enough. How did you guys like?? I'm not use to smut so I do apologize if it isn't up to par but I always put smut with a purpose in this story. I feel like these two have a lot to say within the boundaries of sex. But UGH markson for the win. Please make an author happy and comment and leave some kudos and also comment!! I love reading your theories and opinions of what happened in the chapter thank you so much for everyone that checks this out, truly.


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